Butterfly vs. Moth

As much as I claim to be an introvert,
I can't help but sometime feels invisible.
Don't get me wrong.
I still appreciate of alone time and/or being alone.

But sometimes I just can't help but feel...invisible.


Just like what happened today.


Most days I would appreciate it.
But today, it just got me thinking hard.
Because all throughout what had happened,
Along the way I just noticed/felt like most attention were only to one person.

Most days I would appreciate it.
But today, I felt...neglected.
Which was ridiculous because I don't even know those people.

And what's even sad is at one time
I felt the sudden urge to make them to notice me.
I was even slightly angry at them.
Like "Uhh HELLO? I'M HERE TOO. LOOK AT ME!"

Sigh.
Unbelievable.

But then right after that,
A sudden realisation hit me.
What am i doing?
I do not need this.
I do not need this person to see me to receive information.
This is not important.
This person is not important.

I calm myself right after and
Slowly told myself you are far better than this petty feeling.

So I ditched it.
And then I walked the whole thing through breezily.

I was there.
Even if hidden behind invisible wall.
I was there.
Even if the others didn't seemed to see me.

I know I was there.

I chuckled to myself over this.
Like I know why this happened.
Why they were giving more attention to one than the other (me).

Because it's the way that person presents themselves.
How they carry themselves.
You may not understand how they do it.
But that effortlessness comes naturally to them.

Just like how people would react to butterfly.
As oppose to moth.
Far better than the other.
Naturally.

But then a thought hit me.
From all of this,
All I ever wanted was just to be acknowledged. 
No matter who or what I am.
No matter how introverted I claim to be.
Being acknowledged is nice shit, yknow.
It gives you that sense of fulfillment.

Which is also why it's fucking sucks.

Almost 2AM Story

I was busy typing and looking at my computer screen when it happened. I actually didn't know what i was doing. Except I wanted to look as if I'm busy and that seemed to be the skill I learned to perfect as far as I'm working.

And then suddenly he came.

Just casually resting his hands on my cubicle and said hey and asked how I'm doing.

I froze for a while and then somehow remember my hair looked bad.

I tried to toss it but it just wasn't working with me well so i left it. And i looked at him and smile and said hey how can i help you.

I know he's leaving. Wait, I thought he already left. What's he doing here? Gahd he looked so handsome.

He said something and i just straight up looked at my computer again, trying to get the answer for him. The sooner i got it, the sooner he'd gone I thought. I couldn't take this; he's standing in front of me. Smiling. He's making me awkward.

I fumbled my words and my head won't stop talking. And then at the corner of my eyes i saw he shifted. He was moving. He was taking off his necklace. He was wearing tshirt and jeans as opposed to the usual i saw him.

"Here" he said and laid the necklace on my table. I stopped typing and stared at the necklace. That's a lot of pendants i thought that I couldn't even make out what it was.

And then i looked up at him - puzzled. He smiled again, widely this time, and told me it's something for you to remember me of.

I gaped.

Wait is this for real I thought . And then several other thoughts assaulted me. I couldn't accept this.

I opened my mouth, trying to tell him just that but all i ever could was just incoherent voices. Because i couldn't hide my smile. I was happy. I couldn't believe this.

And he saw that too.

"Wait, is this a dream?" I said out loud while beaming ear to ear.

Then everything froze again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And then i saw it.
.
.
.
.
.
It is. 
.
.
.
I saw myself laying in bed, dreaming. Of this whole thing. And then my subconscious even realised that i saw myself in the dream looking at me dreaming.

And I remember my smile faltered.

And I remember feeling disappointed.

inner conflict

it's almost half of the year

and so far this space here only showed

how manic and borderline crazy i could be

lol

i am fine. really.

i will take whatever this is as my learning process.

process of taking it in.

process of understanding it.

process of digesting it.

process of letting it go.

and i knowwww

it's gonna take time.

most probably in a long while.

and it's ok.

imma let myself take the time it needs.

so whatever episodes that i might have,

if they ever get out of hand,

i will just gonna retreat.

more happy stories next time!

.

.

.

my inner bitch:

hahahaha

whatever bullshit this is,

i dont really care.

imma just gonna have it as it goes.

What is it about you

What is it about you

That i find it hard to speak properly

What is it about you

That i find it hard to muster up courage

What is it about you

That makes me so confused

What is it about you

That makes my thoughts incoherent

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to figure you out

What is it about you

That nothing ever in my control anymore

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to forget

What is it about you

That i just cant get enough of 

What is it about you

That nothing makes sense anymore

I actually even consider to do things that I thought I will never do. 

But here i am constantly thinking about doing it. 

*cries

Fuck You - I Am Fine!

I mean,

I really shouldn't feel all this right?

I mean,

I hate that person. 

I do. 

But somehow,

Fucking somehow!

My mind just wont shut up and:

"Ah! What a shame."

"Ah what could have been"

"Ah sayang"

One second, i do feel like that.

*cries

But the next second I'll be like,

"The fuck! No! You are way better than this."

Pfft!

I am the best thing that will never happen to him. 

All of this is his loss. 

Do not. 

Do not be like this. 

Do not succumb to this fuckery.

never ending same old sad story

i really don't get it though.
i really shouldn't be doing all this.

get a fucking grip!

like seriously,
all of this aren't really worth it.
like sheeesh,
you should know better!!!

i mean,
why am i so hell bent, wrecking my brain, figuring thing out,
just so i can see you?
like, just see you!
literally just at the sight of you.
and i am okay with that.

like asdfghjkl?!!

when in reality,
pfft,
when honestly,
i'm not even sure if you even realise i'm there.
i'm not even sure if you even have the slightest idea about this.
i'm not even sure if you even have the same feeling as i do.

eurgh.
cliche shit.
and i hate this.
like seriouslyyyyyyyy

and i really hate it
because i can't figure this out.
and i can't figure you out.
and also i can't stop thinking about it.

am i that dumb or am i just that delusional?
dumb that i can't even read your signals?
or delusional to think that there are even signals?

like ugh i give up okay!
like pshfft!

fuck all of this.
fuck you.

train stop

ok for starter,
this isn't related from the previous post.

but yooo,
the feeling of doing what you actually want to do,
what your heart really wants to do
is so so liberating!

and somehow even though doing it
might not exactly how you actually pictured it,
the main point is,
you're doing it.

for this case though,
i'm not sure of what i'm feeling.
maybe i haven't thought this through.

or maybe i just don't exactly know
what i'm expecting from doing this.
what i'm expecting from him for doing this.

so yeah,
haven't actually thought this through.

sheesh.
everything about this one person is just...
i don't know.
i can't figure it out.
at best, i most probably ignore it.
ignore him.

you know, the usual.
ignoring my problem until it goes away by itself.
hahahahaha

so yeah,
i'm just gonna pretend this never happened.

Message Seen

sorry for the last couple (angry) posts.
never intended to be so...spiteful.
that was just pure raw emotions and
just letting it all out.

because i really needed to.

hoping for more better stories next time!

hoping for more "heart confettis" posts.

like this one here.

although,
it's kinda leaning towards to "my hati is like pacah"
but also "head in the cloud"

damn.

oh nothing new you guyss,
just seasonal crush hahahaha.
but maaaaann, this one is so hard though.
(or this too also seasonal?)

(or am i just too delusional to even talk about this?)

i like it this time.
because i said it straight up.
and i'm actually proud of it.
freaked out a little bit in the beginning.
but then i was just like "eh fuck it"

i mean,
come on you guyss.
it's just feeling.
and i want it to be known.
i just want you to know.
you don't really have to reciprocate to it.
or have a reaction about it.
just, well, i just want you to know about it.

because if you know then that's enough for me.
like really!
it's a comforting thought that i know that you know it.
and then you just do whatever you wanna do with that.

it really isn't that hard, right?
























now if only you read that message i left though...

It's Not That Deep

stop trying to find the "deeper meaning" in everything.
sometimes there aren't any.

stop doing
"what does this/that mean?"
"it must have been something"
"it must have mean something"

sometimes
things are far simple than you imagine
and it's okay



it's okay
that they don't have meaning

or logical reason behind it

sometimes
things just happen.

this will help greatly in your "goal" this year
which you forgot to mention in previous post btw, which is;

Do Not Complicate Things

lost soul

something just hit me.

a sudden thought i had while i was driving back home.

and i'm not sure where is this going though.

or if i actually want to lay it out here.

i know i will probably not gonna remember what the hell i'm talking about in years to come when reading this back.

--

i'm just feeling down lately.

everything just feels like monotonous.

and everything is so tiring.

and i'm tired.

tired of thinking.

tired of feeling confused.

as much as i don't wanna think about it,

as much as i hate thinking about it,

i do still occasionally  think about it.

and it's tiring me.

i no longer have any strength to stop it.

like, fuck it! come at it.

come as you are. as a whole.

--

didn't i tell the one thing i hate the most about this fucking thing we have?

it's the mindfucking.

What's good?

Everything. 

It's kinda nice to be back to normal. 

Previously was kinda rollercoaster-ish. 

The ride which I particularly did not enjoy mostly. 

Although there were some confusing times and moments. But that's ok. 

You were confused. 

At least now you get your head straight. 

Get your feeling out of the gutter. 

It was pretty hard though. 

The recovering.

And not to mention, the withdrawal. 

(I'm referring all of these to three different things at the same time. You just gotta remember which is which, future self. I know you're reading this)

But it's ok. 

At least you are fine now. 

You got yourself out. 

Just don't play around that fire again. 

But yeah. 

So good to be back. 

So good to be at the bystander of the game again. 

Hahahahaha.

But seriously though. So good. 

Heh. 

On another note,

I'm not really sure if i even like you. 

What i do know i think you're cute. And you're tall - which is a bonus. 

What I don't know is if I actually want anything to do with you. 

Or do i even want you to do with it. 

So confusing and mengelabah. 

So ok, it'll be kinda nice if you do. Hahahaha

But then it'll cause wrath of someone. 

So i pretty much don't want you to. 

And so maybe we can just continue playing this whole game.

(Stop saying so. English apeniha?!)

It's kinda fun too.

But it's kinda nerve wrecking that it takes so much to crack you. 

Theeeen again, I probably the only one who is playing the game. 

Whatever it is, im just glad things are...

Average. 

Of All People And It's You

Don't play around with idiot.

Don't let idiot plays around you.

Don't you grab idiot.

Don't let idiot grabs you.

Because obviously,

I D I O T.

But the biggest idiot in all of this would be is

you

Thinking everything would be fine.

Thinking nothing would happen.

Thinking everything is just as it was.

But it's not.

Idiot.

Uncalculated Risk

"Well if you know, then let me know

We don't have to keep running in these circles"

Are You Okay?

The thing you once wished so hard
now it's finally coming true.

but now you're not really sure
if this is what you really wanted.

not when everything just spiral around
and everything moves in the speed of light
yet you're still there in your place.

unable to move.

because there are so much going on
because there are so much to take in
because there are everywhere
because you don't really know to start where.

give me some peace.
give me my pace.

if you're not strong enough
then i'm not asking you to wait.

i never really want you to do anything for me.
never really want you to put any effort on me.
never really want you to bet on me.

because if things go south,
do not hold it against me.

if things go south,
should i be sorry?
should you?

if things go south,
and we never really did have anything,
then i'm sure we'll be fine.

right?

.

.

.

shit.

why do i feel like
i don't want you to give up the fight?
don't give up on me yet.

cause when i do find my pace
and i finally crack some space
i want you to be the one who sees and fills it.

is this slowly and surely?

.

.

.

but this is only in my head
cause i'm still afraid.

i'm not sure i'm ready for forever.

yet.

and i'm not sure you can keep up anymore.

cause now every time i look back,
you aren't looking back.

dark place

there are just so much going now.
i dont know if it's because it's in the middle of the night.
or just something kinda trigger this.


i'm a control freak.
mild, i guess.
but the point is there are a lot of things that slipping through/from me.
it's freaking me out.
so much that
it's making me...



sad.


like
how you think that you are always that one person that they always look up to
but not anymore.
how you think that things would start looking up
but it hasn't.


i can't really think right now.

do you ever feel like you have so many things in your mind?
just one thing after another just pops into your mind.

i kinda have that right now.

there are so so so many things that i even feel amazed with myself how i can even handle it.

---

like do you know how hurt it feels like
when i feel like you'd rather be with someone else than me?
when i feel like you're looking up to another person than me?
when you see that person as the one that you can rely on than me?
when you treat that person as someone special to you than me?
when you feel like your life is brightened by that person than me?


like do you know how it feels like when you know you're being replaced?

---

i guess some things aren't meant to happen to everyone.
just because everyone says it will happen, it doesnt mean it will happen to you.
just because it happened to everyone, it doesnt mean it will happen to you.

to me.

heh,

---

ugh i just dont feel beautiful today/tonight.
and right now i feel guilty for all those days that i did.

i mean, it just feels like kinda...unreal.

so...phony.

like were i just delusional during those days?

hahahaha i'm crazy

---

now
this thought right here comes rarely nowadays.
close to none.
if i allow it.
because i know deep down i should bury it deeper than this self reminder.
but right now i just wanna think, ok.
and i really really really think that i wish that night didn't happen.
i dont even exactly remember how it happened.
i think those shouldn't have happened.
because if it didn't then none of this will happen.

then i would never know you.
then i would just be in a different place right now than here.
then i would never have those...whatever it was when i see you or merely the thought of you.

ugh feelings.

sooo...wasting.

but here i am,
occasionally thinking about it.
about you.
and still feel butterflies about it.
about you.

every.

single.

time.




so pathetic.

sigh.

gonna put this in a box, lock it and bury them again.
deeper than the usual this time.
and also, i always feel like if he gets married,
then all of this will be gone.

for real this time.

like gone gone.
the never see you again kinda gone.
i kinda long for that day to happen.






i think.

ughhhh.

---

dont you just sometimes feel like you dont know what are you going to end up like?
doesnt it scare you?
like if i were someone else, i'd be asking what happened?
and right now, the only answer is

i dont know.

:(

---

fuck it!

imma sleep it off over this whole thing.

"Will I get married before 30?"

Pre-day

I didnt feel anything at all. 

No anxiety. 

Or excitement. 

Although at one point,

I kinda felt like...sad?

For not having someone to make a big deal out of it.

Pokoknya, sorry for myself.

Pfft. 

But i shoved it all away. 

And then forgot about the whole thing. 

Midnight

Woken up by my phone's constant ring. 

Annoyed by it. 

But when I checked, saw all this balloons and cakes and party hats emojis. 

And i went "oh"

Bahahahaha!

I forgot!

And then i locked and silent it. 

Yep! Cannot trade a good night sleep with mushy messages. 

Before i went back to sleep, i smiled and said

"Happy birthday ka :)"

Sigh.

I admit, I've come so far and learnt many things, yet there are so much more to discover. 

For now, I know I dont need anyone to feel appreciated.  

I can appreciate myself.

*Self hi-five! :)

And to clarify for this post's title,

That was the question i asked to the Book of Answers to which i got:

Finish Something Else First

Now, if only i know what that 'something else' is? Hmm. 

R E C K L E S S N E S S

I wish my

"Fuck it! I'm young"

would have

helped me

in reassuring

that it's actually okay

right now.

Bahahahaha!

So right now

it's more like

"Jalanin aja. Udah dipikirin"

Because this is me right now

Feelings.

So

Many

Feelings

Right

Now.

I can't even breathe properly.

Do you ever just have this warm, fuzzy, tingly feelings inside, and then you go mushy

and then it changes

to leave-me-alone-i-have-heartache-and-imma-emo-myself-to-sleep

in one second flat?

Bathos

Don't give me bullshits like

"the one"

Or love, for the matter.

I don't belive in one.

Apa itu forever?

Forever is such a long time.
Yet time does not exist.
It's an illusion.

But I do feel like I want things between us
will not be dead or maimed through time.
By time.

I know it takes effort and work.
You said you will always have my back as I have yours.
We're doing this without verbal agreement.
We just knew.
We acknowledged.
Because that is just how we roll.

But then as time goes by,
How do I know you still have my back?
Or is it wrong of me to even question this?
Is this such blasphemy?

Yet I dont dare to question this upfront.
I'm so afraid to hurt you.
To hurt what we have.
So I let it go.

And maybe its wrong.
Because now I don't seem to care anymore.
With the knowledge that
we would always get/continue it on where we left it off.

I'm fine with this.
I guess.
I'm not so sure.

Do I have the right to want more though?
Because I seem like I just need something.
To reassure me.

Because I feel like I'm...
Losing this.
Losing you.
Losing us.

Because I have this fear
Of giving up without me knowing.

It sounds crazy, I know.

But dont you just sometimes feel like you dont care about anything anymore and then in time you realised you're actually giving up?

It's true when they said
Nothing worth ever comes easy.

But what if im the only one who making this work?
It is after all,  not a one way street.