The Year of Just Chilling

one day i came across a tweet by someone

who outlined their achievement/milestone in 2017.

and i was impressed.

mostly about scoring A in semester exams.

despite her midnight long ass tweets about struggling,
revising and emo-ing about someone.

and i was like

damn, what have i achieved this year though?
what have i been doing lol

but here are some things that i can "brag" about:

1. i went hiking...voluntarily and actually had fun
2. Adlina and Nisa got married. Both had same nikah date.
3. speaking of married, my bestfriend is too.
4. went to UK (London, York, Manchester)
5. went to Paris, France
6. went to Amsterdam, Netherlands - FAV!
7. went to Cairo, Egypt
8. said that line from Ayat-Ayat Cinta in front of Nile River (video to Adlina but wasn't saved because it was on ig story)
9. had one month leave from work because of the UK trip
10. didn't celebrate raya
11. had job progression at work :)
12. dealing with new things at work - involved with leadership team a lot!
13. all of my closest friends (4) have job now
14. found the one thing i think i could love forever but lost it - i miss you Fuji

that's pretty much i can think about now.

and i wanna write about our UK trip for the longest time.

because there are sooo many things happened worth writing

and remember for.

so many MasyaAllah moments.

and please, disregard my moments last year.

despite all that had been written in here were mostly about org atu.

they were just that, lapse moments.

inda lagi me fikir kan tu.

and i can't think of any resolution for 2018.

except im just gonna chill out yknow.

just gonna go wherever the flow is going.

just, chill.

my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3

Hold Your Heart

ok i'm trying to do this as fast as i can
because let's face it,
tomorrow is the day everyone getting back to reality.
time to keep our nose to the grindstone!

so far though
i don't really know what to write here.
but i got to.
need to keep that tradition alive!
hahahaha

ok time to reflect and improve.

--

i have decided what's the best thing happened to me in 2015.
i have been racking my brain, trying to remember on what.
and every single time i have come to the same thing.
so, the best thing ever happened in 2015 was

#HUJAN10TAHUN

hahahahaha

but really though

it was the best feeling i have ever felt.
the best content feeling i have ever felt.
the best enjoyable time i have ever experienced.
the worst withdrawal i have ever felt.

i still occasionally think about it
and actually miss it

*wails

i couldn't even take a proper or decent
or instagram worthy picture of that night
because it was that good.

i didn't have the time to take a perfect picture to sum it.
i just kinda let it soaked in me.
embraced all the feelingsss maaan.

god! i miss it

--

try to change myself for the better.
be more a pious muslim.
insyaAllah

i hope i can do this.
effort is all that matters.
insyaAllah.

kinda nervous for declaring this.
but at the same time, i think it's good for me.
insyaAllah.

stay istiqamah.
trying to seek seeking redha from the Almighty.

--

boys aren't really worth it.
i realised that.
after what happened
*rolls eyes so hard i might go blind

but seriously you guys.

they are not worth it.
they are not worth your time.
they are not worth your effort.
they are not worth the space in your mind.
let alone your heart!

so do yourself some favour,
do not lose yourself over someone else
who doesn't even know what to do with you.

get a grip!!

--

another goal for this year is
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY!

like really fucking serious now.
must be from now.
or else, fucking die maaan.

really really really really need to save money.
suffer a little while this year.
promise it'll be worth it.

and please know, that money will be used
for your next year UK trip ok.

so hold on!

--

i'm sorry for this short post.
but i think i hit a wall now.
i seriously don't know/have anything to write now.

but write soon!

May this year brings more kindness and good things to everyone.
More success stories!

xx

Try to love myself first

The tradition stands still. 

Of not writing anything on New Year's Eve. 

Hahaha.

And now i got a tad bit too late.

I mean, on 2nd Jan?

Hold on, what time is it? Oh well. 

Ok. How am i gonna do this?

--

Always remember the One for He has given you so much. Always pray for strength. To repent. To be grateful. To be on His rightful path. 

--

Remember your own inner strength. It is far more powerful than you could imagine. 

--

You are so much more than everyone has so far discovered. Do not lose yourself. Everyone may forget that. And that's okay as long as you do not.

--

Be true to yourself. This is far more harder than it may sounds. People always say this. But apparently be yourself isn't actually BE yourself. Some people can't handle it. Nevertheless, be you but easy on the swearing and the cold truths. 

--

It's time to actually embrace yourself fully. I know it's hard. But that's what you gotta do. Don't fight your demon. Face it. If you don't like something, then be brave enough to face it. Or change it. Your rule. For yourself. 

--

Give yourself a break. Do not go overdrive with your thoughts. 

--

Remember that thought you locked in a box and buried? Yeah well, be proud because now you have decided to dig them up and embrace it. Just gotta deal with the fact that you will forever have a crush on him. And that's ok. So now you dont have to feel sorry if you act like a fool whenever he's around :)

--

Time is a strange thing. And the universe works strangely. Remember that you once convinced that one thing won't happen to you? Yeah, it happened. (To have someone to like you. Be interested in you. Yeah, YOU) And you freaked out. 

--

I am still a work in progress.

--

You already have a goal for this year. Save up money for the vacation in December!

--

Be kind. To yourself. And to others. 

--

Be sincere. 

--

Finding someone who's worth breaking the wall is hard. Because a) you have trust issues. And b) you just don't bother of actually finding one

--

People will always, always, always see you second/third. Fuck it, the last one. (Or rather none at all) and you're ok with that and continue living with it. In fact, make use of it. 

--

Start whatever you have in mind.

    • sports (hahaha but seriously though)

    • diet (HAHAHA but seriously though)

    • your own business

--

You're ok. 

You're ok being you.

In fact, you're fucking amazing!

Here's to another year. 

To another achievement. 

To another adventure. 

To another found new happiness. 

To another breakthrough strengths. 

Peace and love. 

xx

discipline and determination for 2014

[One Republic - If I Lose Myself]

Remember when I said I want to set up a tradition of writing up something every new year's eve?
Yeah, still no.

Things to be thankful for in 2013:

• little bundle of joys was born on 30th March :)

• received 3 months worth of allowance from ITB, supposedly for graduation. The cause which made me broke down and bawled my eyes out.

• got a job offer as an apprentice in Anduki after 5 months of being an unpaid driver which had made me an anti-social and official kermit and after went through several interviews, depression and emotional breakdown episodes.

• what the fuck did i buy for my very first paycheck?

• finally found closure on something that had been going on at least 4 years. It's all in my head after all.

• lesson learnt: DO NOT GET HUNG UP ON THINGS/PEOPLE!

• bumped into another wall when i didn't pass the assessment (Mini SRD) Actually, i only needed 0.5 to pass it. (I KNOW!)

• after some (more) emotional breakdown, i finally let go and accept things. Weeks later, after some confusing emails and several assumptions later, I apparently am given another/second "chance" So yeah, another assessment to kill and score.

• understand that as you go further, you'll meet some people who are worth your time and some worth your fist. It's so much like high school, only now you cannot act so juvenile.

• went to KL for the very first time! With best friend to visit another best friends. Because doing things on impulse is exhilarating. and fun.

• I WAS ACTUALLY SCRATCHING SOME THINGS OFF OF MY BUCKET LIST!

• "Fuck it! I'm young!" (as bold as this may sound, it actually helps. use and apply to any other (appropriate) circumstances)

• realised some of my school mates are now either married/engaged/have kids. And here i am and be like "I'm perfectly happy where I am now"

• also, i already asked my mom to be a matchmaker. I literally hand over the job to "search good-guy-good-husband material for me" to my mom. hahahahahaha but seriously.

I think that's pretty much it.

or maybe i'm just so malas to think now.

mind you, it's now almost 4:00 AM.

so for this new year of 2014,

i am looking forward to what i can do/achieve more.

also lastly,

for every questions i have now

that cannot be answered by logics or common sense 

are now only come to one answer.

I just have to focus and discipline myself more towards that.

bye for now :)

x

but everything happens for a reason. it must be.

[Rihanna- We Found Love]

so here is what i gotta say before 2011 ends.

im not gonna whine how the time flies. that is so cliche!

1. the end of 2011 marks the end of my attachment. finally!
   
2. the end of 2011 also marks the start of new semester in one week times. blerrrgh!
3. staying true to yourself is a hard job
4. when surrounded with a lot of people with a lot of different attitudes makes point no 2 even harder to do but its not impossible.
5. when someone says something bad to you, the saying 'it takes one to know one' is definitely true. (like when someone is saying that you're a bitch. Go figure!)
6. when two parties are in a fight, being the neutral is never the best idea. In fact, its a huge pain in the ass.
7. its funny when everything seems to fuck up
8. i can never be a friendly person. no matter how hard i try.
9. people amazes me though this never really help me in point no 8.
10. the only advantage i get from point no 8 is i have refined my skill in eavesdropping.
11. i just realised point no 8 is the pain in my ass for most of my 2011
    
12. first impression still is a taboo to me.
13. good looking person always brighten more of your day.
14. i can always find funny things when everyone is in tensed situation
    
15. im a skeptic for the jolly good feelings and things and all.
    
16. i will always be amazed and awed to people with amazing thoughts and logics.
17. i think faster than i type. hence the second sentence up there where i forgot to put in the word 'fast' after how.
    
18. and i am easily influenced. hence the way im doing this.

Are you really expecting me to tell everything in here?

thats a whole 12 months of experiences and flashbacks!

but have a good year everyone.

z.

good things come to an end

somehow, maybe i miss school.
(not the red line on my school tudung though)
or maybe i just miss the times I've spent with my bebehzz :)

I LOVE YOU GUYS!
KAMU ARE THE AWESOMEST, MOST WEIRD AND LOUD KINDA PEOPLE THAT IM GLAD I KNOW YOU LIKE WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE FOREVER!


anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone.
but, i got to say that new year isn't really my thing and that's just weird for me to say it.
new year celebration makes me...entah!
macam at one point, i feel like there's nothing new in life so why bother to celebrate?
i mean, shouldn't we be afraid for what's coming ahead in our life?

then again,
who wants to live with fear or anxious of nothing actually?
tomorrow hasn't come yet, so stop worrying.

buduuuh!
this shit is scattered and it's everywhere
but what's my point again?

new year

5:55 and counting...

Happy New Year 2009
family, friends and all the people in the world. sorry if i've been such a real jerk.
god! have a blast-more EVER than 2008
kami miss kamu semua...afiq, ka echah and amin :)
sure have fun kamu in London,yeah?
loveesssssssssss...............