Hello From Graveyard

Hi!
Just wanna let you know I'm still alive
Though I can't say the same for this blog lol.

A lot has changed since my last post.
new people, new job, new environment
and friends lost (ok drama, they just got married)

things that have not changed:

• my status
• my spending status
• my emo, dramatic self
• me acting as if anyone ever reads blogger anymore

Change my mind by dropping me asks:

https://curiouscat.me/zzfrh

But anyhow,

Here's a picture of my bebe:

To The Rescue

yalls
i have decided not to do it.
i mean you kinda know that i was struggling before.
but just letting you know that im not gonna do it.

the feeling hasn't totally gone yet.
it's still here.
the idea is still kicking and lingering somewhere at the back of my mind.

but i just did myself a throwback blog reading.
and i just...
*relieved*

i read my previous post on (#eleksha)
and i just can't thank my past self.
*katip bibir

thank you for clearing up my doubts.

i still got my own back afterall.

On The Edge

a lot of things have happened since the last post below.
the main highlights that i got on top of my head right now are:

1. My month long leave for UK Vacay
2. My best friend got married

i have been meaning to write the post as they happened

but i just cant get myself to do them.

even more so now that i handle "new work scope"

i'm still doing IT in my department

but as Bapak A wrote up in his email to the LTs  (which making it all official):

i'll be doing 70% of the new work and 30% on IT

and i have been doing this "new job" ever since i got back from my leave.

like, exactly after two days coming into work.

quite big surprise smack into my face after the long "rest"

but im not really complaining though

for me this is "good stress"

i love that i am actually doing something.

i love the feeling that i'm contributing to the big picture.

i love the feeling that i'm needed.

k cukup.

--

sheesh i'm all over the place right now.

i have so many things to write up.

i need the structure!

lol as if i have been doing that in all of my post.

but really there are so many things in my head now.

but guys

i already know where this post is going.

i just need to do it so i can clear my head from it.

and i hate that i have to write it up in here.

because the main laying reason is from the same person.

ugh

like why do i give this much privilege to this useless person?

as if i haven't been moving on *rolls eyes

and everytime i need to clear things up

it just seems like im being defensive

which eventually leading up the assumption that i havent been moving on.

*rolls eyes even harder

i mean

my life is sailing on just nice yknow.

not until he came up.

again.

i know if i have moved on, i shouldn't feel bothered by it.

I KNOW.

but this is my safe space.

so i wanna talk about it.

so you see

i should feel happy.

ecstatic even.

because HE came to ME.

even from Lukman's POV, i won.

but im not gonna dwell on that.

because it's petty and childish.

just like the way he tried to slide into my life again.

hahaha but really though.

it was so funny and a little annoying too.

like, you can't tell me this isn't annoying?

SERIOUSLYYYYY

A.

FUCKING.

DOT.

after a year and a half.

annoying?

yes.

fucking hilarious?

100%

i didn't reply it fyi.

because i didn't receive the notification.

i mean even if i did, i'd probably freaked out first. 

and then rage hahaha.

only noticed it when i opened the app to text Adlina lol.

which was the day after it was sent.

and if i did reply, that'd be like totally going against everything i said.

although (uh-oh!)

there was/is a tiniest fraction of myself that wanted/wants to reply. (herrrgh!)

i mean, not just because Lukman told me a good point.

but sometimes, i do feel like doing exactly what he did to me is the only way i could actually feel satisfy or done about everything that happened. #realtalk

which is crazy.

and useless.

and pointless.

yes im doing two verbs there.

because i'm struggling right now to stay in line.

trying not to do things i might regret.

so you see,

that tiniest fucking voice inside my head is a fucking cunt.

of course she would go against the majority.

regardless the nature of the situation.

because her argument is "just curious"

or

"i wonder"

"you know you wanna do it"

a real fucking cunt.

and during times like these

i really NEED the reminder that

HE AIN'T SHIT!

stop making like he is.

like fucking seriously get it into your head girl.

but payback sounds way better (and easier) than holding yourself girl.

Butterfly vs. Moth

As much as I claim to be an introvert,
I can't help but sometime feels invisible.
Don't get me wrong.
I still appreciate of alone time and/or being alone.

But sometimes I just can't help but feel...invisible.


Just like what happened today.


Most days I would appreciate it.
But today, it just got me thinking hard.
Because all throughout what had happened,
Along the way I just noticed/felt like most attention were only to one person.

Most days I would appreciate it.
But today, I felt...neglected.
Which was ridiculous because I don't even know those people.

And what's even sad is at one time
I felt the sudden urge to make them to notice me.
I was even slightly angry at them.
Like "Uhh HELLO? I'M HERE TOO. LOOK AT ME!"

Sigh.
Unbelievable.

But then right after that,
A sudden realisation hit me.
What am i doing?
I do not need this.
I do not need this person to see me to receive information.
This is not important.
This person is not important.

I calm myself right after and
Slowly told myself you are far better than this petty feeling.

So I ditched it.
And then I walked the whole thing through breezily.

I was there.
Even if hidden behind invisible wall.
I was there.
Even if the others didn't seemed to see me.

I know I was there.

I chuckled to myself over this.
Like I know why this happened.
Why they were giving more attention to one than the other (me).

Because it's the way that person presents themselves.
How they carry themselves.
You may not understand how they do it.
But that effortlessness comes naturally to them.

Just like how people would react to butterfly.
As oppose to moth.
Far better than the other.
Naturally.

But then a thought hit me.
From all of this,
All I ever wanted was just to be acknowledged. 
No matter who or what I am.
No matter how introverted I claim to be.
Being acknowledged is nice shit, yknow.
It gives you that sense of fulfillment.

Which is also why it's fucking sucks.

my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3

#eleksha

i never really thought this day would really come.
i mean i have imagined it.
imagined what i would say.
imagined how i would say it.

but all these times, i thought it would never come.

no matter how much i have thought about it.
half of the time i kinda believed they wont come.
because let's face it, that's just how everything works anyway.

but lo and behold,
today that day has come.

i actually saw that brengsek again.

and ironically at the same place where it all fucking began.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha ah aH..

thankfully i had Adlina with me.

we were sitting for half a day course.

and it's so funny.
like i knew we were going to be in that place
but prior to this day i never really felt any anxiety.
unlike before.
because i was so sure that he won't be there.

like what are the odds?
pfft.

but unfortunately
Adlina didn't remember how he looks like
that we ended up sitting
exactly next to his table and his group of friends
during morning coffee break.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha

but the point for this post is
to remind you,
yes - future me,
regardless how you ended up here - twitter/timehop/blog reading,
that you are fine.

Throughout what had happened today,
you were okay.
freaked out a little
(well a lot but only for a little while but that's understandable and forgiven)
but eventually you are A-okay.

So okay, maybe all thanks to Eqah.
i called her straightaway out of my panic attack
the minute that i believed i wasn't seeing things.
that that stupid guy who was looking at us
in all smug and smiling face was really him.
she kinda cooled my anxiety down
and told me to just toughen up hahah.

#bestadviceever #peptalk

What i have also realised is -

nothing.

Everything = nothing.
i felt nothing at all.

okay lah

still a little mad and i threw some curses at him too
but yknow whatever.

BUT THE THING IS
i think everything just kinda make sense now.
these things happened because maybe
Allah wants to show me that
there are people like him
and you don't wanna end up with him.

i know that sounds kinda mean.
but what i'm trying to say is
there are guys like him that will throw
sweet nothings at you
and have like zero sense
and act like a douche
and are mostly stupid

but will act they are cool

they will act as if they are noble

and doing things just because the other guys are doing it too.

because that's just how guys are.

stupid and disappointing.

and i don't want that for me.
like nauzubillah.

and because i deserve better.

and maybe things happened because
it is one of the contributing factor that
can make me return to Him.

(this is so cliche and typical it hurts. i am that girl that i always read in fb that i loathe)

but i honestly can't be grateful enough for this.

like i know things are like bad
during that time or
maybe on someone else's perspective
but i am actually glad now.

Allah still loves me that He helped me dodged that bullet :')

like imagine the horror if i actually be with him?
*shudders sheesh nauzubillah jauhpalisss

i mean who else would know me better than i am?
right?

sigh
thanks Allah, You're the best.

وَلاَ تَكِلْنِيْ اِلىَ نَفْسِيْ طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

Dan janganlah Engkau serahkan aku kepada diriku sendiri walau sekelip mata

so i will not be regretful
for whatever had happened.
that includes all the episodes i had.
the manic, depressed and crazy ones.
not to mention the events prior to all of this
and events which i called the aftermath.

because eventually everything just lead right up to

where i am now.

hashtag blessed y'alls

walking on egg shells

you know who you are,
you know what you feel,
you know where you stand.

and that's really good for you.

but!

sometimes,
you get caught up so much on where you are standing,
that you can't actually see your surrounding.

clouded.

sometimes,
maybe you should swat that cloud.
or stop that train of thought.
or stop wherever you are going.
and stop whatever you are doing.
and actually see and listen.

not everything is a white noise.

not every little things that go against you is a negativity.

because when your sight get clouded,
you don't really know where you are going.
even though in your heart you know,
you are going the right way.

but the thing is, darling,
you might step on someone's toes.

and i know you really don't mean it.
but if you keep going with that cloud of yours,
you will keep on stepping people's toes.

you might get annoyed by their yelling or yelping,
because you don't really feel like you are bothering them.
like what's wrong with going after something good?
and moreover, doing it the right way.
and you know you are going the right way.

your right way.

do you see it now?

sometimes,
when you get so caught up on where you are standing,
caught up in your feeling,
you kinda get...self-centred.

and that's very rude.
to other people.

like what gives you the right to dismiss someone else's feeling???




p.s. this serves as a note-to-self and well, who knows maybe for you too.

Happy Hour

So ok

Im just gonna do this quick

Cause it's already waaay past my bedtime

(Yes, i have a bedtime)

I dont know what i got myself into.

But i just logged into my fb out of boredom.

And yooo this shit is not cray.

hahahhahaa

Probably the best idea eveerrr.

I mean, 

Stuff we posted there?

When we were like, what?

Early 20s.

The era where i would called it as

"The time when everyone had been a poklen once"

Seriously.

Don't fight me on this.

But thank god we grew out of it

Just as quick!

Phew. 

Ahhh

We were so cool back then

(still are)

Only then,

It was as if the life was...easier?

I dont know.

But im pretty sure, teenage hormones and angst were raging at the time.

We knew so little

Yet act like as if we have already known so much.

kids

hahahahhahahah

But above all,

It's a treasure choke-full with stupid/funny/bad/good times and/or memories.

And here is my favourite of all (i could find) :

2010

And I am so glad that we are still together :

                        

                          2015

Thankful even! <3


This shit is emotional. hahahaha

Fak.


#hormonesss
#thattimeofthemonth

"Will I get married before 30?"

Pre-day

I didnt feel anything at all. 

No anxiety. 

Or excitement. 

Although at one point,

I kinda felt like...sad?

For not having someone to make a big deal out of it.

Pokoknya, sorry for myself.

Pfft. 

But i shoved it all away. 

And then forgot about the whole thing. 

Midnight

Woken up by my phone's constant ring. 

Annoyed by it. 

But when I checked, saw all this balloons and cakes and party hats emojis. 

And i went "oh"

Bahahahaha!

I forgot!

And then i locked and silent it. 

Yep! Cannot trade a good night sleep with mushy messages. 

Before i went back to sleep, i smiled and said

"Happy birthday ka :)"

Sigh.

I admit, I've come so far and learnt many things, yet there are so much more to discover. 

For now, I know I dont need anyone to feel appreciated.  

I can appreciate myself.

*Self hi-five! :)

And to clarify for this post's title,

That was the question i asked to the Book of Answers to which i got:

Finish Something Else First

Now, if only i know what that 'something else' is? Hmm. 

One fine Saturday

Create a goal.

Set up means to achieve it.

Those are seem easy to write.

So achieveable.

Yet it would be a lie to not face any struggles.

I learn that the hard way.

I promised myself to buy something.

As a reward.

For all the hard works i've put into.

Because i believe we all deserve something decent in the end.

You finally step out of the tunnel and see and feel the light.

I even put up more reasons to motivate me:

• As graduation gift

• As birthday gift

• As a good-job-well-done-you gift

Now, the struggles.

Hahaha what set me back up was when I went to KL sometime last year.

2 months saving - poof!

So now you know how I've been saving up since last year!

The feeling of 'should've not done that' constantly nagging though.

But meh.

I started again right after that.

More discipline this time.

Mesti. Kuat. Hati.

So on this particular day,

The time had finally came!

And I bought...

My very first, my very own iphone.

Bahahahaha!

This is a big deal to me because

All my life I have never to actually own handphones ok.

Like own, own.

It was always from a family member who got a new phone.

And because i don't mind.

When people were so busy with the latest messaging technology called whatsapp, I was still using windows phone.

When people were so busy with all screentouch smartphones, I was still using qwerty keypad Nokia phone.

(But that one got whatsapp ok)

And on this particular Saturday,

I finally showed myself...

I'm not a loser!

Hahahaha

Because I told myself every end of the month,

If I cant achieve this small thing,

I am officially a loser.

And a loser, I am not.

Now,

If only i can switch this motivation/discipline to shed some weight.

Bahahahah!

xx

grown up pants and hat

I change my blog's name!

it's a really big decision for me. *choke on tears and katip bibir

scrolling down the archive of this blog is a journey down to (embarrassing) memory lane.

"this is only a photoblog" - 17 year old me

girl, please.

but i guess this right here is my learning process.

and as years gone by, it seems my blog and i have gone into transitions.

bless your kind heart, maturity!

im sorry for you who have to deal with all my talking and shits.

so recently something just hit me.

being a grown up is hard man!

conscience is damn hard.

i guess, the time really has come.

the time to actually grow up and be adult.

ugh.

it's time to take into account of somebody else's feelings before your words, actions and feelings.

recently i was pushed into this responsibility kinda thing.

more like shit just got real thing.

maybe its because now im actually the one who is responsible to take care of family now.

its that kinda phase.

i sometimes wonder whether there is more to life than those general, socially recognised transitions of life.

yknow, the learn and get good grades in school - excel in uni - get a good high paying job - get married - have babies - have midlife crisis - be grandparents - enjoy life with your whole life-savings.

sigh

people would never take me seriously in any way.

and that's fine.

it hurts but its fine.

because i believe they are wrong.

and for that i will always look forward to that day where it finally hit them.

so for this responsibilishits, it actually kinda scary.

you tell this and that, how this is wrong and such, how that is not how you would do it...

and that's the thing!

how can you compare how you would do something with how somebody else is gonna do it?

i don't wanna kill their individuality!

heck, i can have my own "words of wisdom" shove back to my face!

can't you seeeee?

i have so many insecurities here. Damn.

im gonna be a bad mother. CRIESSS

.





.





.





that escalated very fast.

my point in here is i hope i do fine with this.

mind you, im still adjusting to wearing this grown up pants and hat.

x.

discipline and determination for 2014

[One Republic - If I Lose Myself]

Remember when I said I want to set up a tradition of writing up something every new year's eve?
Yeah, still no.

Things to be thankful for in 2013:

• little bundle of joys was born on 30th March :)

• received 3 months worth of allowance from ITB, supposedly for graduation. The cause which made me broke down and bawled my eyes out.

• got a job offer as an apprentice in Anduki after 5 months of being an unpaid driver which had made me an anti-social and official kermit and after went through several interviews, depression and emotional breakdown episodes.

• what the fuck did i buy for my very first paycheck?

• finally found closure on something that had been going on at least 4 years. It's all in my head after all.

• lesson learnt: DO NOT GET HUNG UP ON THINGS/PEOPLE!

• bumped into another wall when i didn't pass the assessment (Mini SRD) Actually, i only needed 0.5 to pass it. (I KNOW!)

• after some (more) emotional breakdown, i finally let go and accept things. Weeks later, after some confusing emails and several assumptions later, I apparently am given another/second "chance" So yeah, another assessment to kill and score.

• understand that as you go further, you'll meet some people who are worth your time and some worth your fist. It's so much like high school, only now you cannot act so juvenile.

• went to KL for the very first time! With best friend to visit another best friends. Because doing things on impulse is exhilarating. and fun.

• I WAS ACTUALLY SCRATCHING SOME THINGS OFF OF MY BUCKET LIST!

• "Fuck it! I'm young!" (as bold as this may sound, it actually helps. use and apply to any other (appropriate) circumstances)

• realised some of my school mates are now either married/engaged/have kids. And here i am and be like "I'm perfectly happy where I am now"

• also, i already asked my mom to be a matchmaker. I literally hand over the job to "search good-guy-good-husband material for me" to my mom. hahahahahaha but seriously.

I think that's pretty much it.

or maybe i'm just so malas to think now.

mind you, it's now almost 4:00 AM.

so for this new year of 2014,

i am looking forward to what i can do/achieve more.

also lastly,

for every questions i have now

that cannot be answered by logics or common sense 

are now only come to one answer.

I just have to focus and discipline myself more towards that.

bye for now :)

x

Clearing up heads, acts and intentions

Open House, Hari Raya 2013, 7th Syawal

I need to be serious next time, for real.

For next year, it will be seriously seriously just us lepak at home.

I cannot handle anymore of this joke of us being surrounded in my crowded and loud family.

It was onerous! 

Funny, my joke backfired at me. 

Nonetheless, this year event was remarkable.

Reuniting lost friendship, bonding with new ones and strengthening the ones I have now.

I try not to sound so cliche but thats what happened.

Changes may be difficult but sometimes its necessary and sweet.

I never thought maturing up can be so satisfying! Hahaha!

Ok, back to reality.

Justifikasikan benda yang remeh

Forewarning: profanity.

So recently i got asked the same questions by a lot of people.
Considering the fact now that i've already got a job.
"Job"

And it's all the usual drill.

"Keraja kau sudah?"
"Mana kau keraja?"
"Ah? Di mana tu?"
"Eh bisai tu eh di sana!"
"Berapa tah kau kana bayar?"
"Baik sudah tu. $400 dalam seminggu. Siapa membagi?"
"Apa keraja mu tu di sana atu?"

Now.
That last part.
That's when thing gets interesting.

So when i answered them;

"umm...arah admin nya."

Most of the time,
They would try to hide their taken back face. (Notice the word 'try')
Some would just nodding their heads.
Some would look confuse.
But they will always end up asking the same thing:

"So kira macam...kerani/secretary kah?"

I dont know why,
But thats when i start to feel like...I dont know.
Mcm pissed off jua.
They said that like its a bad thing yknow.
Like most of the time i want to say back to them;

"What the fuck do you know about administrating?"

So I got defensive and start explaining MORE about my works.

Trying to justify that my work does mean something.

Yknow, see the fucking big picture.

Just because im not wearing some big ass orange coverall and not in operation or whatever,
it doesnt mean my work isnt as fucking important or significant as the rest.

Kan?

But then i remembered my conversation with my mom.
And so i stop trying and remember instead what ive said about "trying to be the same as others"

So you see,
Why would i even bother?
Why would i even care?
Because i dont.
I dont have to compete with anybody else.
I work and i earn my fucking money from that.
Nothing else matters.

Not even society's higher fucking status.

and that's it, i believed i was just an option

[Neon Trees- Animal]

Guten Tag!

(thats hello in German, as i googled it)

so there was that day,

i was so depressed knowing how people making me as just their second choice.

i dont know why this is such a big deal

but it hurts...so bad.

I am just no good to anyone.

I dont even meet up to any one's expectation.

and now we come to today!

i said something to my friend

and she went like "sudah kana buang baru tah aku kana guna..."

and thats when it hit me;

why did i even bother myself, going mad, for i am just an option to everyone or

how they are making me as their second choice,

when i just did the same thing to another person?

even if it was just absent-mindedly.

it makes you think, right?

on another note,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVELIES!

(who am i kidding? i made plans that backfired right at me but oh well, at least everyone is happy)

FOREVER ALONE

i envy people who can see themselves doing what they like as a living

hi!

as of now, we're celebrating Irfan Bachtiar's 2nd birthday.

and they all are now currently singing Sahara.

srsly? yeah.

but here i am,

writing this with a whole lot of grey clouds!

im gonna shove them off in a bit.

but right now, sigh.

i have trouble with my lecturer.

well, i guess, all my mates are having trouble.

i is sungguh susah hati ini!

bah ok bye!

oh yeah, happy February!

have faith

[Boyce Avenue- On My Way]

it has been a while.
well, what can i say?
i got nothing to tell or rather share with you anyway.
unless, you want to know how fun it is to learn programming concept or internet programming.

it is, though. HEHEHE!

yesterday, marked with me being an ITB student for a month now.
oh wow, one month has passed.
and the stress of juggling with things and to sort it all out is slowly coming to me.
assignments and courseworks and tests.

Baby, you are so full with elements of surprises!!


June result was out the other day.
heh!
maahn, i'm just so grateful for getting into ITB already.
sure, i'd asked for more than this but this route is for me now.
maybe it has something for me in miles ahead.
something far more better than i could ever imagined.
as of now, i'm just gonna enjoy the ride until i find it.

we're the at the end of August already.
which reminds me this:

yaaaah! inda lagi batah :(
if come to think of it, like, really hard, i would probably end up crying.
so...yeah


we've come to this point already ;
us with our own way,
carry on with life and taking it beyond our own little world.

but hey,
im gonna miss us!

walking down the pavements

[Glee Cast- Bohemian Rhapsody]

DAMNIT!
i lost the very last 5 minutes before midnight strikes by showering.
i should have posted something so that the date im writing this is on the day of my birth.
so people, let's pretend that it's still the 10th of July.
moreover, it's still 12-something-AM and i considered the next morning when i wake up as the new day with a new date.

so!
another year has gone and now, (i really hate to say this out loud) i'm 19!
time flies when you're having fun! myyy goddd!
all im going to say is that even though being 19 for me is really hard considering the fact that im closer to the end of "teenage", im happy that i have been living my life!
(i think)
i am now for almost 6 months in holiday mode, unemployed and broke!
it's the life that ive been dreaming about when im in school back then, though not on the unemployed and broke part.
it's like life...is taking on a vacation :)

but it all starting to come down when i, finally realised that there is more to life than just having it your own way. i know because at one point, i forgot that i have responsibilities and i've also come to the point that i must go on with life independently.
things REALLY started to change.

maybe that's what they called it as growing up or maturing.
Though i dont see myself as one and honestly, for me, growing up is hard.
because we are expected to act this certain ways when we reached at this certain age.
it's the social expectation and the norms and values we've internalised.
i mean, i dont see the point. it's like, the more we grow old, the more bitter we get.
the more serious we get. the more stressful we get.
that is not something i wanna be!
heck, the thought of it too isn't welcoming enough.

and for that, birthday is gonna be so easy if i have the will to accept.
and i'm reaching to it ssssssslowlyyyyyyyy

but then, maybe things gonna change its course again. maybe, one day.
and maybe that day is going to prove me wrong for saying all of this.
maybe.



p.s. Thank you to everyone for the effort or even any extras one to make me feel blessed for having you guys around. i feel loved! ♥!


p.p.s. Thank you Elle for the fighting fish, Qiellah for the most exotic cupcakes. Thank you to both of you for the surprise and Elle's two cousins too. Thank you to Haziqah Azari, Hazirah Hamid and Lukman Hakim for the day. YOU GUYS ARE THE MOST AWESOME!


p.p.p.s. HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAAY, ZULFA ZAFIRAH ZULKIFLI!
LET'S ROCK THIS 19 OUT!