Almost 2AM Story

I was busy typing and looking at my computer screen when it happened. I actually didn't know what i was doing. Except I wanted to look as if I'm busy and that seemed to be the skill I learned to perfect as far as I'm working.

And then suddenly he came.

Just casually resting his hands on my cubicle and said hey and asked how I'm doing.

I froze for a while and then somehow remember my hair looked bad.

I tried to toss it but it just wasn't working with me well so i left it. And i looked at him and smile and said hey how can i help you.

I know he's leaving. Wait, I thought he already left. What's he doing here? Gahd he looked so handsome.

He said something and i just straight up looked at my computer again, trying to get the answer for him. The sooner i got it, the sooner he'd gone I thought. I couldn't take this; he's standing in front of me. Smiling. He's making me awkward.

I fumbled my words and my head won't stop talking. And then at the corner of my eyes i saw he shifted. He was moving. He was taking off his necklace. He was wearing tshirt and jeans as opposed to the usual i saw him.

"Here" he said and laid the necklace on my table. I stopped typing and stared at the necklace. That's a lot of pendants i thought that I couldn't even make out what it was.

And then i looked up at him - puzzled. He smiled again, widely this time, and told me it's something for you to remember me of.

I gaped.

Wait is this for real I thought . And then several other thoughts assaulted me. I couldn't accept this.

I opened my mouth, trying to tell him just that but all i ever could was just incoherent voices. Because i couldn't hide my smile. I was happy. I couldn't believe this.

And he saw that too.

"Wait, is this a dream?" I said out loud while beaming ear to ear.

Then everything froze again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And then i saw it.
.
.
.
.
.
It is. 
.
.
.
I saw myself laying in bed, dreaming. Of this whole thing. And then my subconscious even realised that i saw myself in the dream looking at me dreaming.

And I remember my smile faltered.

And I remember feeling disappointed.

my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3

screwed

so ok
on second thought
on an umpteenth thought,
maybe I shouldn't wait for you.

fuck,
i shouldn't wait for anyone.

i shouldn't wait at all!

i guess
i was so blinded by the fact that
i really like you.

like really really REALLY like you!

(this is why i am so screwed but that doesn't matter now)







WELL MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO MOVE ON NOW THEN!

Welp!

I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I guess none of it ever really matters.

Everything has just been nothing.

And all of this is on me.

It's my fault.

And my head.

sigh

But i feel like

we were moving two steps forward,

and then a whole eon back with you.

That's how bad this really is.

And this confuses the shit out of me.

And i hate being confused.

And i hate of not knowing what to do.

I hate of not knowing.

But you know, it's ok.

Ball is in your court, boy.

Imma wait for you to do something about it.

Imma let you get whatever is it you need to do before you do something about it.

Imma let you get however much time you need to do it.

Imma wait

But i might not wait forever for you, yknow.

What is it about you

What is it about you

That i find it hard to speak properly

What is it about you

That i find it hard to muster up courage

What is it about you

That makes me so confused

What is it about you

That makes my thoughts incoherent

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to figure you out

What is it about you

That nothing ever in my control anymore

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to forget

What is it about you

That i just cant get enough of 

What is it about you

That nothing makes sense anymore

I actually even consider to do things that I thought I will never do. 

But here i am constantly thinking about doing it. 

*cries

never ending same old sad story

i really don't get it though.
i really shouldn't be doing all this.

get a fucking grip!

like seriously,
all of this aren't really worth it.
like sheeesh,
you should know better!!!

i mean,
why am i so hell bent, wrecking my brain, figuring thing out,
just so i can see you?
like, just see you!
literally just at the sight of you.
and i am okay with that.

like asdfghjkl?!!

when in reality,
pfft,
when honestly,
i'm not even sure if you even realise i'm there.
i'm not even sure if you even have the slightest idea about this.
i'm not even sure if you even have the same feeling as i do.

eurgh.
cliche shit.
and i hate this.
like seriouslyyyyyyyy

and i really hate it
because i can't figure this out.
and i can't figure you out.
and also i can't stop thinking about it.

am i that dumb or am i just that delusional?
dumb that i can't even read your signals?
or delusional to think that there are even signals?

like ugh i give up okay!
like pshfft!

fuck all of this.
fuck you.

Message Seen

sorry for the last couple (angry) posts.
never intended to be so...spiteful.
that was just pure raw emotions and
just letting it all out.

because i really needed to.

hoping for more better stories next time!

hoping for more "heart confettis" posts.

like this one here.

although,
it's kinda leaning towards to "my hati is like pacah"
but also "head in the cloud"

damn.

oh nothing new you guyss,
just seasonal crush hahahaha.
but maaaaann, this one is so hard though.
(or this too also seasonal?)

(or am i just too delusional to even talk about this?)

i like it this time.
because i said it straight up.
and i'm actually proud of it.
freaked out a little bit in the beginning.
but then i was just like "eh fuck it"

i mean,
come on you guyss.
it's just feeling.
and i want it to be known.
i just want you to know.
you don't really have to reciprocate to it.
or have a reaction about it.
just, well, i just want you to know about it.

because if you know then that's enough for me.
like really!
it's a comforting thought that i know that you know it.
and then you just do whatever you wanna do with that.

it really isn't that hard, right?
























now if only you read that message i left though...

It's all in my head.

In the end, it's all in my head.

Pondering ponds

I seriously took a lot of time thinking, contemplating, pondering on what to write.

About this.

About me on this.

About what I feel about this.

About that book.

I cannot read, concentrate on another book until I figure it out.

"It demands to be felt"

It surprised me.

It surprised me many times.

I thought everyone would get better as the story develops.

I thought everyone would survive.

But nooooo.

And thats what suprised me.

And it kills me.

This the same like Heart-Shaped Bruise.

Or the Devotion of Suspect X.

The story surprised me.

It really was a page turner that when I came to the climax,

I was...shocked.

Literally jaw-dropped.

But this one.

This one is special because, it has the privilage to be the first to make me cry.

First book I ever read that made me cry.

Excuse me while I bawl my eyes out kinda cry.

So yeaah.

I mean, I thought I want to take things slowly because I want to savour them.

Apprehend each words I read.

Understand each sentence I read.

Understand the emotion they convey.

But nooooo.

I just cant stop myself from turning the pages.

You know that feeling you get when you downloaded full season of a tv show,

That you can watch the entire season in one night

Cause you cant wait to know what will happen next

And you keep telling yourself "one last episode before bedtime, one last episode"

But nooooo.

It never really was "one last episode"

I mean I spent half of my day finishing this book!

From the moment I woke up, I grabbed and started reading it.

I dont even care if my puasa is makruh.

Thats how good this book is!

Seriously.

I need to take a breath.

Things got pretty escalated up there. (Hah!)

Sigh.

Maybe thats the thing with books yknow.

You never really know whats going to happen until you actually read it.

I mean, you think you got it all figured out but boom!

You dont.

You think you know what will happen next but boom!

You dont.

And i love that.

Maybe thats why i love thriller/psychological/crime-solving books.

Or books in general.

They surprise you.

Lack of Faith and Everything Else

There will come a time
where I believe we will all be facing failures.

There will come a time
where I believe we will all be standing on a crossroad,
confused and bewildered.

I once believed failure only comes in the form of education.
But now, it all has changed for
I've never felt so like a failure as much as I am now.

I thought things will get easy once you have overcame the hurdles.
Because thats what all they said, right?

'Pass this exam and your life will be fine'
'Overcome this and you'll go far. Trust me'

But the truth is, it never gets easy.
The more things you have gone through, the more tougher it gets.
Well, they never actually, literally said it was 'easy'.
I guess, I should've read between the lines.

But what if, this is it, for me?
What if, this is all I ever can do?
Aren't we supposed to know our very own strength and capabilities?
I feel like I don't have the strength to continue anymore.
I need a new...directions.
But then why don't I believe everything I just said? said the head.
What if all of this is just because I'm too afraid?
Of things.
Of uncertainty.

Don't you just feel at loss thinking if I choose this now, what will ever happen to me if i choose the other one?

At crossroads.
Where the choice you'd make will change the course of your life.

Tough Love

I guess it's asking too much

Will it hurt to just simply ask?

I mean, it would've been NICE to ask yknow. YKNOW!

So ok, I may not always be available but at least have the fucking courtesy to ask! 
At least I feel better or maybe later have a little bit of guilty for not be able to join!

SIGH!

I guess its kinda tiring to ask me when all of you know what my answer would be.

I guess you guys are jaded. 

I realised that. 

But hey, I guess I also kinda realised that you just give up on me. 
I guess Im not worth fighting for anymore.
Or I never was and never will as it seems.

I guess we are all jaded with everything.

I guess we are all stop fighting




p.s Selamat Hari Raya 2012/1433

never ending

and my heart dies a little

its like, someone's just ramping into me with a truck or something heavy falls from the sky!

[Bunkface- You and Me]

"why do you have to change your plans for tomorrow, brother?"

(i look like some psycho in disguise cause my smile is weird and scary!)

just got home from itb.
was this happy cause i drove Gyrah's car (baby nya) from itb until i reached home.
though i was late in the morning and rushing and all that,
everything was fine
but not until something ruined it.



and thinking of it makes me go:

AKU INDA JADI PEGI ARAH BUNKFACE!!!!

sedih ku.
kuyak hati ku.
hancur musnah mimpi ku.
kan menangis ku.

i mean, i was feeling really excited even from a week before!
in fact, since the news broke that they will be coming to Brunei.
and now...SEDIHH KUUUUUUUUU!!!! :(
sedih

i know, i never should have put on soo much hope on it
and feeling all giddy about it
but fuck it, i couldnt control myself.


so,
sia-sia pun saja laaaah! :(

though im still hoping there will be
something extraordinary to happen in the turn of event.

when things aren't going out the way you would have expected it to be

i just don't know how and what should i feel?

result is out!

and my result is not what i have expected but i passed!
maybe i should feel frustrated for the grades aren't that good enough. sigh.

thanks to my mom and dad ♥!
they have been very supportive, since the message received.

and my siblings too!
♥!


i wanna do something but i just don't know what yet.

bawa aku ber-PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!

rove is quitting his show :(

Selamat Hari Raya, Apiqahtul!

God! Aku rindu kau berabisan ni time nya malam before raya. tsk.tsk.

Tane main badil sama bunga api macam apa! Padahal duit tu yang hangus!
Inda apa, durang adele sama ajim yang selalunya membali. Kan? duit drg tu eh. Inda apa. haha

And then tane dua, inda pun tiga, sama Nana (inda tantu ni, psl banyak org suka ya. haha) dalam rumah tau tutup telinga and menunggu badil melatup aaand sama-sama tekajut. hahaha. yes! tane inda pandai kan aga dapur. well, pandai, kalau lapar. hehe.

malam before raya, indeed the siuk-est of all raya days or moments. siuk eh!

On the first day of raya itself, mesti kau yang menyambut kami datang kalau ke rumah Nini Layong :)
and then satay!inda pun, cheesecake. hahaha

sigh.

sorry if all of this makes you sedih tapi rinduuuuuuuuuuuuuu

anyways, happy hari raya di sana
and you take care there yee?

tear drops

aku somehow miss all of this
new year celebration with them guys via oovoo :D

we were singing together, even the songs were actually "lanat pait nya!"
the last one is an exception though
songs like:
Samson - Kenangan Terindah
Widuri (well known for me babah punya favourite.HAHA)
Bryan Adam - Everything I do, I'll Do It For You ♥
but the lyrics...sigh.

"CD ani namanya LAGU SEDIH kah?!?"

♥ ♥ ♥

don't ask

you come to the light now...your oh-that-that-that and that life destroyer is just a plain human. but most of all, he's the most faker you've ever know.