#eleksha

i never really thought this day would really come.
i mean i have imagined it.
imagined what i would say.
imagined how i would say it.

but all these times, i thought it would never come.

no matter how much i have thought about it.
half of the time i kinda believed they wont come.
because let's face it, that's just how everything works anyway.

but lo and behold,
today that day has come.

i actually saw that brengsek again.

and ironically at the same place where it all fucking began.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha ah aH..

thankfully i had Adlina with me.

we were sitting for half a day course.

and it's so funny.
like i knew we were going to be in that place
but prior to this day i never really felt any anxiety.
unlike before.
because i was so sure that he won't be there.

like what are the odds?
pfft.

but unfortunately
Adlina didn't remember how he looks like
that we ended up sitting
exactly next to his table and his group of friends
during morning coffee break.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha

but the point for this post is
to remind you,
yes - future me,
regardless how you ended up here - twitter/timehop/blog reading,
that you are fine.

Throughout what had happened today,
you were okay.
freaked out a little
(well a lot but only for a little while but that's understandable and forgiven)
but eventually you are A-okay.

So okay, maybe all thanks to Eqah.
i called her straightaway out of my panic attack
the minute that i believed i wasn't seeing things.
that that stupid guy who was looking at us
in all smug and smiling face was really him.
she kinda cooled my anxiety down
and told me to just toughen up hahah.

#bestadviceever #peptalk

What i have also realised is -

nothing.

Everything = nothing.
i felt nothing at all.

okay lah

still a little mad and i threw some curses at him too
but yknow whatever.

BUT THE THING IS
i think everything just kinda make sense now.
these things happened because maybe
Allah wants to show me that
there are people like him
and you don't wanna end up with him.

i know that sounds kinda mean.
but what i'm trying to say is
there are guys like him that will throw
sweet nothings at you
and have like zero sense
and act like a douche
and are mostly stupid

but will act they are cool

they will act as if they are noble

and doing things just because the other guys are doing it too.

because that's just how guys are.

stupid and disappointing.

and i don't want that for me.
like nauzubillah.

and because i deserve better.

and maybe things happened because
it is one of the contributing factor that
can make me return to Him.

(this is so cliche and typical it hurts. i am that girl that i always read in fb that i loathe)

but i honestly can't be grateful enough for this.

like i know things are like bad
during that time or
maybe on someone else's perspective
but i am actually glad now.

Allah still loves me that He helped me dodged that bullet :')

like imagine the horror if i actually be with him?
*shudders sheesh nauzubillah jauhpalisss

i mean who else would know me better than i am?
right?

sigh
thanks Allah, You're the best.

وَلاَ تَكِلْنِيْ اِلىَ نَفْسِيْ طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

Dan janganlah Engkau serahkan aku kepada diriku sendiri walau sekelip mata

so i will not be regretful
for whatever had happened.
that includes all the episodes i had.
the manic, depressed and crazy ones.
not to mention the events prior to all of this
and events which i called the aftermath.

because eventually everything just lead right up to

where i am now.

hashtag blessed y'alls

wedding bells

what is it with people around me lately

everything just revolves around...weddings and marriages.

my colleague friend at work is planning to have hers next year in July/August!

although it was quite fun to help her with researching and finding weddings things hahaha

and then
last weekend was Lynn and Duan Wedding day <3
i was one of the bridesmaid
and it was actually quite fun!

that's a first for me.
to actually take wedding as fun.

maybe it had to do with whom i was with.
and who i got to see.

:)

i actually turned 25

hahahaha

but really though, 25??

T W E N T Y - F I V E

the age where you should get married.

the age where everyone starts throwing you questions.

my mom got married when she was 25, so there's that.

it is also at this age where people assume you got it all figured out.

your career.

your life.

your partner.

your financial.

erk all the big adult words.

but what REALLY is to be figured out?

when actually here i am just taking the days as it comes lol.

well i stop figuring out all the (supposedly) necessary things.

try to, mind you.

because all that are in the hand of the Almighty.

yes, efforts are to be put in but leave the rest to Him.

for someone who is a control freak, i'm still learning the process and the idea of redha.

actual redha.

knowing there are things you can't handle and

letting go of what you can't handle.

accepting of whatever He had/has planned.

i decided i had enough with whatever happened in the past.

that includes everything that wont benefit me.

for example, liking people.

HAHAHAHAHA!

but seriously,

my days of having crush on/liking someone are over.

i wanna put it behind me.

pasal inda pedah y'alls

hahahah

this also means that i won't be writing the follow up on my previous post on

if i were to be blatantly and completely honest

even though i promised that i would.

pasal inda pedah y'alls

no matter how funny that post i structured it to be.

(lol perasan cali)

this year's birthday also made me realised

how i don't really care about the amount of people sending in text messages/greetings.

quality over quantity lettew.

but seriously no matter how many messages you received, 

when you didn't get the ones from who really mattered then

apakah maksud semua ini?

hahhahaha

but seriouslyyyy

messages/greetings from people who are important to you is actually important.

you'd actually feel heartbroken and sad when they don't.

menyamal lol.

but since you're 25 (!!), sikit saja lah.

which brings me to these bunch of people:

MY ITB GANG!

(except for the guy in the middle. he was the host at one of the house we went raya to lol)

we went for a very short raya trip together to Lumut yesterday.

bear in mind, none had greeted me that day.

truth to be told, i was kinda expecting for them to throw surprises.

expected them to throw one during one of the houses we went to.

but none.

they didn't even pull one when they sent me back home.

-___________-"

so i was like "oh well. it doesn't really matter anyway"

and i said bye to them and shooed them since it was already late.

didn't invite them in even if they wanted to because they said alang2.

but i said no because i don't know (more like don't like) to entertain guests hahahah.

but my mom was welcoming them in (which apparently came cause they cried help)

so it was all kind of rushing, here and there.

i was flabbergasted and when things finally settling down,

that's when i turned around and saw Karen came in with a cake!

-____________-"

sigh

these people ah.

they never failed to pull one every year for me.

it's annoying hahahaha.

but i am very grateful.

the time and effort they put into :')

so thank you Allah for lending me

all of these lovely people.

love you.

the after party

waking up the next morning

feeling content.

and just heave a blissful sigh.

i love it.

but the  w i t h d r a w a l

*cries

--

the past two weeks have been tiring.

roller-coaster.

*rolls eyes

but seriously.

i know this is just like the usual.

my usual drama hahaha

but ugh.

whatever.

and i don't let myself think.

if i don't think,

then i won't remember.

then i will be fine.

so don't think.

don't even try to remember.

my emotional roller-coaster had also led me

to take a not-so-spur-of-the-moment decision.

i just feel like i had to.

nothing major - i just cut my hair short bahahaha.

cut off the weights (literally and figuratively) on my shoulders.

and this is my first time to ever have this short short hair.

never been this short in a long while

that it's so awkward to see me like this.

heh.

--

the same past two weeks,

i had been spending my weekends outside Brunei.

the first week i was in Singapore and

just last weekend i was in KL.

crazy, i know!

but so so tiring.

but at the same time so so worth it.

i mean

i am so "jet lagged" that i tried to get off from the seat belt 

in my friend's car like you got off of it in a plane.

i literally put my hands on my stomach, searching for metal flap,

instead of pushing the button on my right (passenger side)

-_________-"

lulz. Dumbass.

--

this also happened last Sunday:

SHEILA ON 7'S 20TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT!

THE reason why I was in KL.

holy shit you guys!

where do i even begin??

like, this is was in my bucket list!

even tweeted about wanting to go for their concert like 2 years ago??

just holy goodness in life and everything in it!

the opening was by Noh Salleh (um major love!)

i felt like i was the only one singing along to him.

hahaha perasan but seriously though

AND Duta you guysss!

D U T A

does he ever age at all?!

although it was *kinda* suck

because we had purchased the wrong ticket :(

should have bought the Duta zone which was closer to the stage.

but pretty happy nonetheless for being there.

at one moment,

i literally put my hands on my face

and thought "i'm actually here watching this"

the feeling when i was there

and the feeling afterwards

and the withdrawals, the everything

those are just what i am so grateful right now.

xx

What is it about you

What is it about you

That i find it hard to speak properly

What is it about you

That i find it hard to muster up courage

What is it about you

That makes me so confused

What is it about you

That makes my thoughts incoherent

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to figure you out

What is it about you

That nothing ever in my control anymore

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to forget

What is it about you

That i just cant get enough of 

What is it about you

That nothing makes sense anymore

I actually even consider to do things that I thought I will never do. 

But here i am constantly thinking about doing it. 

*cries

Message Seen

sorry for the last couple (angry) posts.
never intended to be so...spiteful.
that was just pure raw emotions and
just letting it all out.

because i really needed to.

hoping for more better stories next time!

hoping for more "heart confettis" posts.

like this one here.

although,
it's kinda leaning towards to "my hati is like pacah"
but also "head in the cloud"

damn.

oh nothing new you guyss,
just seasonal crush hahahaha.
but maaaaann, this one is so hard though.
(or this too also seasonal?)

(or am i just too delusional to even talk about this?)

i like it this time.
because i said it straight up.
and i'm actually proud of it.
freaked out a little bit in the beginning.
but then i was just like "eh fuck it"

i mean,
come on you guyss.
it's just feeling.
and i want it to be known.
i just want you to know.
you don't really have to reciprocate to it.
or have a reaction about it.
just, well, i just want you to know about it.

because if you know then that's enough for me.
like really!
it's a comforting thought that i know that you know it.
and then you just do whatever you wanna do with that.

it really isn't that hard, right?
























now if only you read that message i left though...

Kotak Hati

Haaaiii

My weekend was such a delight that I don't want to waste my feelings. 

I am in such utter happiness and just, content :)

I mean it was not really good all the way.

I still had some moments where the dark clouds got me to just lay down and stare at the ceiling. (Seriously)

But good nonetheless.

Managed to shove the clouds away.

And yo,

#Hujan10Tahun

This weekend was definitely my

Best. Decision. Ever. 

Although it was kinda crazy considering the week before I too was in KL for one week hahahaha. 

This is the YOLO I'm not regretting.

Met some new people too hahahaa but this one is all thanks to Lukman.

But yeah youknow, whatever. 

The only thing about all this though...

The withdrawal. 

*cries a fucking ocean

But whatever. 

Not tonight.

Just not tonight.

To many moreeeee times like this ❤️

#bucketlistscratched

p.s. Noh Salleh was so so good singing live and cute and funny and everything

Revel in, Fellow Dorks!

We have been planning for this since forever

Although it was kinda incomplete

So so proud we have come this far.

Can't believe we have grown so much

(even though sometimes inda berakal)

*sheds a single sorrowful tear

Everyone with their own path but

we still have time for each other

Like we could go on not talking for months

without drifting apart

because we are lowkey like that

I don't even know/remember how we are friends bahahahaha

but we are

we just kinda are

I mean

I still remember the time when we smuggled nuggets

to the library in high school.

stashed inside pencil case!

unbelievable 

To many more successful stories and adventures fellow dorks!

Like can we all just agree that us three scored full points in that

#relationshipgoals

#squadgoals

Happy Hour

So ok

Im just gonna do this quick

Cause it's already waaay past my bedtime

(Yes, i have a bedtime)

I dont know what i got myself into.

But i just logged into my fb out of boredom.

And yooo this shit is not cray.

hahahhahaa

Probably the best idea eveerrr.

I mean, 

Stuff we posted there?

When we were like, what?

Early 20s.

The era where i would called it as

"The time when everyone had been a poklen once"

Seriously.

Don't fight me on this.

But thank god we grew out of it

Just as quick!

Phew. 

Ahhh

We were so cool back then

(still are)

Only then,

It was as if the life was...easier?

I dont know.

But im pretty sure, teenage hormones and angst were raging at the time.

We knew so little

Yet act like as if we have already known so much.

kids

hahahahhahahah

But above all,

It's a treasure choke-full with stupid/funny/bad/good times and/or memories.

And here is my favourite of all (i could find) :

2010

And I am so glad that we are still together :

                        

                          2015

Thankful even! <3


This shit is emotional. hahahaha

Fak.


#hormonesss
#thattimeofthemonth

Forever Crush

Remember the time 

When i accept (more like embrace)

The fact that i will always have a 

Crush on him who cant be named?

Yeah. 

Still do. 

So i swore off Starbucks Beribi

Because I know he's working there. 

But as "fate" would have it

My friends brought me there today. 

I was a second too late to realise this. 

Because i was too busy being emotional, telling them stories. 

Like i couldn't be a brat telling them

No we cant be here because someone i know works here. 

(Actually I did tell them that)

I tried to be nonchalant about this. 

Telling myself he wont be working today.

It's ok. You're gonna be ok. You'll be fine. 

But as "fate" would have it,

HE INDEED WAS THERE. 

And that's how it would start. 

Just at the sight of him had me a panic attack.

And could you imagine how I feel when I was at the counter and he was behind it? 

*cries a fucking ocean

I mean, all this might be happening because I haven't seen him in a long while. 

(Hasn't it always like this? Everytime?)

It was everything.

I...

My heart. 

Ugh, my heart couldn't contain itself. 

Flabbergasted. 

Hyperventilating. 

It was #jiwakacau at its best. 

It was almost as if like i was in high school. 

OMG YOU GUYSSSS. 

I know this is nothing new. 

But how long has this been going on?

Since high fucking school?!

Crazy!

But ugh. That guy. 

Why was he acting all that? 

I mean,

I get it,

You like the attention. 

But fuck it,

Have mercy 

Milestone

Last weekend was awesome. 

I never thought it would give me some note-to-selfs. 

So here's the thing,

I never hike in my entire life. 

Like ever. 

I would probably laugh when people are offering me to join them.

Aren't they crazy?

Me? Hiking?

Yeah I'll pass. 

But on one Saturday, everything just changed. 

Boy did i walk in for a surprise. 

My friend said we would be going for a short hike at the Anak Krakatoa. 

"Short hike"

My ass!

I was certain I have never ever felt that way when i was going up the volcano. 

So many crazy thoughts on my way up. 

"What are we doing?"

"Where are we going?"

"Is there something up there?"

"Omg. I cant do this"

"Urrgh. I didnt sign up for this!"

"Panass!"

"Oh god. Im gonna kill you Adlina"

So you see, i wasnt even dressed properly for the hike!

I was wearing a maxi dress!

But the thing is, i kept going you guysss. 

Half of the reason was i couldn't actually stop and rest for a while because the ground was too hot. 

(Volcano. Go figure!)

The point here is

That journey i took to hike up the volcano was something. 

I kept saying to myself that i couldnt do it. 

But my feet kept walking and dragging. 

My breath was unsteady. 

My heartbeat was insane. 

I felt like it was trying to get out of my chest!

But I listened to my body. 

Whenever i felt like blacking out,

I stopped and drank water. 

Took few breathes. 

And start again. 

I'm not writing this as some cheesy cliché of "trying to get fit" journey post.

But i just wanna say that i made it!

And because of the satisfaction.

Oh god. 

The satisfaction.

(Sigh of content)

There was something pure about it and just...very raw. 

No wonder people get high on it. 

Thing from bucket list - scratched! :)

Also,

This happened in Jakarta too:

#jakartailoveyou

O

I think we are all dysfunctional. 

In one way or another. 

Just because we rarely show our affections,

It doesn't really mean we don't love each other. 

This is hard because we never really did go separate ways before. 

Didn't we?

Ah rindu. 

I just want you to know that

I am so proud of you. 

So proud that you are the first among us to be the one who are going abroad. 

To chase dreams. 

To grasp opportunities. 

To have unbelievable experiences. 

Be safe always.

Du'as for you all the way. 

xx

 

P.S. I Love You

I didn't even remember the first time we met.

Only bits and pieces.

Seeing you the first time with that hair of yours. *chuckles

And then from there, you just stormed your way in.

And change everything.

Literally.

So thank you...

For the effort you've made

For taking good care of us

For every meals you've cooked

For every lessons you've taught us

For every pep talks

For getting through us with care

For every advices that you've given

For your patience throughout the whole 15 years

For changing us from a brat to a good decent person

For being funny

For the littlest things you've done

For showing us about compassion, sabar and rezeki are all from Allah

For praying so we could be blessed by Allah

For putting up with us

For showing us the real perseverance after all the ups and downs you've gone through

For keeping it together for us during worst times

.

.

.

Honestly there are a lot of things that you've done for us that a simple thank you is never enough to make up for it.

You're like a mother to us.

And that is why this parting is so so hard.

Even the thought of you not living with us anymore breaks my heart <\3

(When actually you were so excited to fly back home that you couldn't sleep -___-) 

Thank you for everything.

As much as it breaks our hearts,

What rights do we have in keeping you from going back to your own home and family?

Thank you, bibi Dewi :')

❤

Withdrawal Syndrome

Weekends are killing me man.

I just cannot stop thinking about going out on holidays.

Mind you but im on withdrawal syndrome.

We went to KK last weekend.

It was the first after like 8 years or so.

Damn.

We went on road trip.

So most of the time we were all in tourist mode.

I mean, our foreheads most probably looked like a fucking billboard with 'TOURIST' written across it.

But honestly, the trip was still a pain in the ass.

Even with all the renovation to be hassle-free.

Thank god for my pills!

(Quick note: we were all having flu but who cares?)

We went to Sapi Island for some sun and beaches and wind and fish aaaand pigs.

Kidding.

But no seriously though.

There were pigs coming out of nowhere.

The pig and its...babies were eating somebody's kfc.

Having a picnic also lah, oink oink.

Heh.

Note to self:

Whenever you are on holiday and encounter something that you have never done before, DO IT!

Why?

Because why not loh!

Trust me, it will most probably be worth it.

Dude.

We went parasailing and snorkeling.

It was Ahmaazing!

(Except when you accidentally swallowed the sea water. Blekk!)

And snorkeling...it was like looking at an aquarium!

Only now you got to touch the fish!

And the coral reefs!

We also had a crash course on swimming by this guy we just met who I am now still not sure whether he's a lifeguard/tourist guide or just plain stranger.

Or all of the above. (Hahaha!)

But anyway, i am proud to tell i could swim myself onshore that day.

Without life jacket nor snorkel gear.

:8)

You know when you go to Nando's, the workers will greet you enthusiastically?

Yeah that.

We went to Nando's at 1Borneo after pulau.

So we were all curious on what they were actually saying.

And we came up with something like

"Welcome to Nando's!"

"Ibuuuuu"

I know. Ridiculous.

But we were all joining them shouting 'ibu' whenever new customers arrived.

So fun. 

Guess who ended up SO curious to find out?

Me.

Guess who ended up to confront the workers?

NOT me.

Hahahaha i asked my sister to do so.

.

.

.

I dont know what to write anymore.

Thank god for my pills.

Im dozing off now.

x

It's all in my head.

In the end, it's all in my head.

Clearing up heads, acts and intentions

Open House, Hari Raya 2013, 7th Syawal

I need to be serious next time, for real.

For next year, it will be seriously seriously just us lepak at home.

I cannot handle anymore of this joke of us being surrounded in my crowded and loud family.

It was onerous! 

Funny, my joke backfired at me. 

Nonetheless, this year event was remarkable.

Reuniting lost friendship, bonding with new ones and strengthening the ones I have now.

I try not to sound so cliche but thats what happened.

Changes may be difficult but sometimes its necessary and sweet.

I never thought maturing up can be so satisfying! Hahaha!

Ok, back to reality.

Tid bits of memories

Does anyone remember during the 2nd term of school holiday in 2009 was extended for another week making it a 3 weeks holiday due to the H1N1 disease?

I KNOW RIGHT!
That was some good time.

Heh.

I was so cool back then.

Feelings are just so raw.

Everything was so good.

Despite all the hurts, nothing can compare the good times.

And now everything has changed.

I forgot

To mention that

I passed my final semester's exam.

I'll be graduating next year.

InsyaAllah.

I'll be having my HND certificate.

InsyaAllah.

Two and a half years - gone!

Like snap!

:)

Here Comes The Sun

Hello!

so today we had our one-day-only exam.

yep, you got that right.

one day only.

and now, hellooooo long vacation!

Heard some rumors that we would be having our graduation in September!

9 fucking long of vacation!

MUAHAHAHAHA!

Here's a picture of our happy faces:

ok anywaaaay,

so right now i got nothing to do.

 I promised to continue my Breaking Bad

but promises, promises.

And here I am writing this while browsing through Yuna's tumblr.

Eugh!

It's not enough that she is talented, has a REALLY good voice, has good sense of fashion, has some good life now, 

I can't believe she is SO GOOD in photography too!

I wonder what it's like to be Yuna right now?

like a never-ending nightmare

[30 Seconds to Mars- Closer To The Edge]

I somehow miss si Haziqah Azari.
which then makes me to miss Gyrah and then si Lukman.
and Ade.
but i just miss talking to him lah cause i see his face everyday masih at itb!

i miss the good old times!


but i gotta push this feeling to the side cause i got many assignments and works piling up
and the due date is getting nearer.
(you're getting faster each day,universe!)

and it gets interesting too;

IT KEEPS SHOWING UP!