the after party

waking up the next morning

feeling content.

and just heave a blissful sigh.

i love it.

but the  w i t h d r a w a l

*cries

--

the past two weeks have been tiring.

roller-coaster.

*rolls eyes

but seriously.

i know this is just like the usual.

my usual drama hahaha

but ugh.

whatever.

and i don't let myself think.

if i don't think,

then i won't remember.

then i will be fine.

so don't think.

don't even try to remember.

my emotional roller-coaster had also led me

to take a not-so-spur-of-the-moment decision.

i just feel like i had to.

nothing major - i just cut my hair short bahahaha.

cut off the weights (literally and figuratively) on my shoulders.

and this is my first time to ever have this short short hair.

never been this short in a long while

that it's so awkward to see me like this.

heh.

--

the same past two weeks,

i had been spending my weekends outside Brunei.

the first week i was in Singapore and

just last weekend i was in KL.

crazy, i know!

but so so tiring.

but at the same time so so worth it.

i mean

i am so "jet lagged" that i tried to get off from the seat belt 

in my friend's car like you got off of it in a plane.

i literally put my hands on my stomach, searching for metal flap,

instead of pushing the button on my right (passenger side)

-_________-"

lulz. Dumbass.

--

this also happened last Sunday:

SHEILA ON 7'S 20TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT!

THE reason why I was in KL.

holy shit you guys!

where do i even begin??

like, this is was in my bucket list!

even tweeted about wanting to go for their concert like 2 years ago??

just holy goodness in life and everything in it!

the opening was by Noh Salleh (um major love!)

i felt like i was the only one singing along to him.

hahaha perasan but seriously though

AND Duta you guysss!

D U T A

does he ever age at all?!

although it was *kinda* suck

because we had purchased the wrong ticket :(

should have bought the Duta zone which was closer to the stage.

but pretty happy nonetheless for being there.

at one moment,

i literally put my hands on my face

and thought "i'm actually here watching this"

the feeling when i was there

and the feeling afterwards

and the withdrawals, the everything

those are just what i am so grateful right now.

xx

screwed

so ok
on second thought
on an umpteenth thought,
maybe I shouldn't wait for you.

fuck,
i shouldn't wait for anyone.

i shouldn't wait at all!

i guess
i was so blinded by the fact that
i really like you.

like really really REALLY like you!

(this is why i am so screwed but that doesn't matter now)







WELL MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO MOVE ON NOW THEN!

Welp!

I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I guess none of it ever really matters.

Everything has just been nothing.

And all of this is on me.

It's my fault.

And my head.

sigh

But i feel like

we were moving two steps forward,

and then a whole eon back with you.

That's how bad this really is.

And this confuses the shit out of me.

And i hate being confused.

And i hate of not knowing what to do.

I hate of not knowing.

But you know, it's ok.

Ball is in your court, boy.

Imma wait for you to do something about it.

Imma let you get whatever is it you need to do before you do something about it.

Imma let you get however much time you need to do it.

Imma wait

But i might not wait forever for you, yknow.

What is it about you

What is it about you

That i find it hard to speak properly

What is it about you

That i find it hard to muster up courage

What is it about you

That makes me so confused

What is it about you

That makes my thoughts incoherent

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to figure you out

What is it about you

That nothing ever in my control anymore

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to forget

What is it about you

That i just cant get enough of 

What is it about you

That nothing makes sense anymore

I actually even consider to do things that I thought I will never do. 

But here i am constantly thinking about doing it. 

*cries

Fuck You - I Am Fine!

I mean,

I really shouldn't feel all this right?

I mean,

I hate that person. 

I do. 

But somehow,

Fucking somehow!

My mind just wont shut up and:

"Ah! What a shame."

"Ah what could have been"

"Ah sayang"

One second, i do feel like that.

*cries

But the next second I'll be like,

"The fuck! No! You are way better than this."

Pfft!

I am the best thing that will never happen to him. 

All of this is his loss. 

Do not. 

Do not be like this. 

Do not succumb to this fuckery.