The Year of Just Chilling

one day i came across a tweet by someone

who outlined their achievement/milestone in 2017.

and i was impressed.

mostly about scoring A in semester exams.

despite her midnight long ass tweets about struggling,
revising and emo-ing about someone.

and i was like

damn, what have i achieved this year though?
what have i been doing lol

but here are some things that i can "brag" about:

1. i went hiking...voluntarily and actually had fun
2. Adlina and Nisa got married. Both had same nikah date.
3. speaking of married, my bestfriend is too.
4. went to UK (London, York, Manchester)
5. went to Paris, France
6. went to Amsterdam, Netherlands - FAV!
7. went to Cairo, Egypt
8. said that line from Ayat-Ayat Cinta in front of Nile River (video to Adlina but wasn't saved because it was on ig story)
9. had one month leave from work because of the UK trip
10. didn't celebrate raya
11. had job progression at work :)
12. dealing with new things at work - involved with leadership team a lot!
13. all of my closest friends (4) have job now
14. found the one thing i think i could love forever but lost it - i miss you Fuji

that's pretty much i can think about now.

and i wanna write about our UK trip for the longest time.

because there are sooo many things happened worth writing

and remember for.

so many MasyaAllah moments.

and please, disregard my moments last year.

despite all that had been written in here were mostly about org atu.

they were just that, lapse moments.

inda lagi me fikir kan tu.

and i can't think of any resolution for 2018.

except im just gonna chill out yknow.

just gonna go wherever the flow is going.

just, chill.

To The Rescue

yalls
i have decided not to do it.
i mean you kinda know that i was struggling before.
but just letting you know that im not gonna do it.

the feeling hasn't totally gone yet.
it's still here.
the idea is still kicking and lingering somewhere at the back of my mind.

but i just did myself a throwback blog reading.
and i just...
*relieved*

i read my previous post on (#eleksha)
and i just can't thank my past self.
*katip bibir

thank you for clearing up my doubts.

i still got my own back afterall.

On The Edge

a lot of things have happened since the last post below.
the main highlights that i got on top of my head right now are:

1. My month long leave for UK Vacay
2. My best friend got married

i have been meaning to write the post as they happened

but i just cant get myself to do them.

even more so now that i handle "new work scope"

i'm still doing IT in my department

but as Bapak A wrote up in his email to the LTs  (which making it all official):

i'll be doing 70% of the new work and 30% on IT

and i have been doing this "new job" ever since i got back from my leave.

like, exactly after two days coming into work.

quite big surprise smack into my face after the long "rest"

but im not really complaining though

for me this is "good stress"

i love that i am actually doing something.

i love the feeling that i'm contributing to the big picture.

i love the feeling that i'm needed.

k cukup.

--

sheesh i'm all over the place right now.

i have so many things to write up.

i need the structure!

lol as if i have been doing that in all of my post.

but really there are so many things in my head now.

but guys

i already know where this post is going.

i just need to do it so i can clear my head from it.

and i hate that i have to write it up in here.

because the main laying reason is from the same person.

ugh

like why do i give this much privilege to this useless person?

as if i haven't been moving on *rolls eyes

and everytime i need to clear things up

it just seems like im being defensive

which eventually leading up the assumption that i havent been moving on.

*rolls eyes even harder

i mean

my life is sailing on just nice yknow.

not until he came up.

again.

i know if i have moved on, i shouldn't feel bothered by it.

I KNOW.

but this is my safe space.

so i wanna talk about it.

so you see

i should feel happy.

ecstatic even.

because HE came to ME.

even from Lukman's POV, i won.

but im not gonna dwell on that.

because it's petty and childish.

just like the way he tried to slide into my life again.

hahaha but really though.

it was so funny and a little annoying too.

like, you can't tell me this isn't annoying?

SERIOUSLYYYYY

A.

FUCKING.

DOT.

after a year and a half.

annoying?

yes.

fucking hilarious?

100%

i didn't reply it fyi.

because i didn't receive the notification.

i mean even if i did, i'd probably freaked out first. 

and then rage hahaha.

only noticed it when i opened the app to text Adlina lol.

which was the day after it was sent.

and if i did reply, that'd be like totally going against everything i said.

although (uh-oh!)

there was/is a tiniest fraction of myself that wanted/wants to reply. (herrrgh!)

i mean, not just because Lukman told me a good point.

but sometimes, i do feel like doing exactly what he did to me is the only way i could actually feel satisfy or done about everything that happened. #realtalk

which is crazy.

and useless.

and pointless.

yes im doing two verbs there.

because i'm struggling right now to stay in line.

trying not to do things i might regret.

so you see,

that tiniest fucking voice inside my head is a fucking cunt.

of course she would go against the majority.

regardless the nature of the situation.

because her argument is "just curious"

or

"i wonder"

"you know you wanna do it"

a real fucking cunt.

and during times like these

i really NEED the reminder that

HE AIN'T SHIT!

stop making like he is.

like fucking seriously get it into your head girl.

but payback sounds way better (and easier) than holding yourself girl.

my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3

#eleksha

i never really thought this day would really come.
i mean i have imagined it.
imagined what i would say.
imagined how i would say it.

but all these times, i thought it would never come.

no matter how much i have thought about it.
half of the time i kinda believed they wont come.
because let's face it, that's just how everything works anyway.

but lo and behold,
today that day has come.

i actually saw that brengsek again.

and ironically at the same place where it all fucking began.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha ah aH..

thankfully i had Adlina with me.

we were sitting for half a day course.

and it's so funny.
like i knew we were going to be in that place
but prior to this day i never really felt any anxiety.
unlike before.
because i was so sure that he won't be there.

like what are the odds?
pfft.

but unfortunately
Adlina didn't remember how he looks like
that we ended up sitting
exactly next to his table and his group of friends
during morning coffee break.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha

but the point for this post is
to remind you,
yes - future me,
regardless how you ended up here - twitter/timehop/blog reading,
that you are fine.

Throughout what had happened today,
you were okay.
freaked out a little
(well a lot but only for a little while but that's understandable and forgiven)
but eventually you are A-okay.

So okay, maybe all thanks to Eqah.
i called her straightaway out of my panic attack
the minute that i believed i wasn't seeing things.
that that stupid guy who was looking at us
in all smug and smiling face was really him.
she kinda cooled my anxiety down
and told me to just toughen up hahah.

#bestadviceever #peptalk

What i have also realised is -

nothing.

Everything = nothing.
i felt nothing at all.

okay lah

still a little mad and i threw some curses at him too
but yknow whatever.

BUT THE THING IS
i think everything just kinda make sense now.
these things happened because maybe
Allah wants to show me that
there are people like him
and you don't wanna end up with him.

i know that sounds kinda mean.
but what i'm trying to say is
there are guys like him that will throw
sweet nothings at you
and have like zero sense
and act like a douche
and are mostly stupid

but will act they are cool

they will act as if they are noble

and doing things just because the other guys are doing it too.

because that's just how guys are.

stupid and disappointing.

and i don't want that for me.
like nauzubillah.

and because i deserve better.

and maybe things happened because
it is one of the contributing factor that
can make me return to Him.

(this is so cliche and typical it hurts. i am that girl that i always read in fb that i loathe)

but i honestly can't be grateful enough for this.

like i know things are like bad
during that time or
maybe on someone else's perspective
but i am actually glad now.

Allah still loves me that He helped me dodged that bullet :')

like imagine the horror if i actually be with him?
*shudders sheesh nauzubillah jauhpalisss

i mean who else would know me better than i am?
right?

sigh
thanks Allah, You're the best.

وَلاَ تَكِلْنِيْ اِلىَ نَفْسِيْ طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

Dan janganlah Engkau serahkan aku kepada diriku sendiri walau sekelip mata

so i will not be regretful
for whatever had happened.
that includes all the episodes i had.
the manic, depressed and crazy ones.
not to mention the events prior to all of this
and events which i called the aftermath.

because eventually everything just lead right up to

where i am now.

hashtag blessed y'alls

i actually turned 25

hahahaha

but really though, 25??

T W E N T Y - F I V E

the age where you should get married.

the age where everyone starts throwing you questions.

my mom got married when she was 25, so there's that.

it is also at this age where people assume you got it all figured out.

your career.

your life.

your partner.

your financial.

erk all the big adult words.

but what REALLY is to be figured out?

when actually here i am just taking the days as it comes lol.

well i stop figuring out all the (supposedly) necessary things.

try to, mind you.

because all that are in the hand of the Almighty.

yes, efforts are to be put in but leave the rest to Him.

for someone who is a control freak, i'm still learning the process and the idea of redha.

actual redha.

knowing there are things you can't handle and

letting go of what you can't handle.

accepting of whatever He had/has planned.

i decided i had enough with whatever happened in the past.

that includes everything that wont benefit me.

for example, liking people.

HAHAHAHAHA!

but seriously,

my days of having crush on/liking someone are over.

i wanna put it behind me.

pasal inda pedah y'alls

hahahah

this also means that i won't be writing the follow up on my previous post on

if i were to be blatantly and completely honest

even though i promised that i would.

pasal inda pedah y'alls

no matter how funny that post i structured it to be.

(lol perasan cali)

this year's birthday also made me realised

how i don't really care about the amount of people sending in text messages/greetings.

quality over quantity lettew.

but seriously no matter how many messages you received, 

when you didn't get the ones from who really mattered then

apakah maksud semua ini?

hahhahaha

but seriouslyyyy

messages/greetings from people who are important to you is actually important.

you'd actually feel heartbroken and sad when they don't.

menyamal lol.

but since you're 25 (!!), sikit saja lah.

which brings me to these bunch of people:

MY ITB GANG!

(except for the guy in the middle. he was the host at one of the house we went raya to lol)

we went for a very short raya trip together to Lumut yesterday.

bear in mind, none had greeted me that day.

truth to be told, i was kinda expecting for them to throw surprises.

expected them to throw one during one of the houses we went to.

but none.

they didn't even pull one when they sent me back home.

-___________-"

so i was like "oh well. it doesn't really matter anyway"

and i said bye to them and shooed them since it was already late.

didn't invite them in even if they wanted to because they said alang2.

but i said no because i don't know (more like don't like) to entertain guests hahahah.

but my mom was welcoming them in (which apparently came cause they cried help)

so it was all kind of rushing, here and there.

i was flabbergasted and when things finally settling down,

that's when i turned around and saw Karen came in with a cake!

-____________-"

sigh

these people ah.

they never failed to pull one every year for me.

it's annoying hahahaha.

but i am very grateful.

the time and effort they put into :')

so thank you Allah for lending me

all of these lovely people.

love you.

ruin everything

can't even say something

without being told that

i can't get over "you".

can't even say something

without being questioned whether

it has anything to do with "you".

can't even do shit

because i apparently "still haven't moved on yet"

can anyone please give me some credit?

*rolls my eyes so hard and comes back with a middle finger

Welp!

I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I guess none of it ever really matters.

Everything has just been nothing.

And all of this is on me.

It's my fault.

And my head.

sigh

But i feel like

we were moving two steps forward,

and then a whole eon back with you.

That's how bad this really is.

And this confuses the shit out of me.

And i hate being confused.

And i hate of not knowing what to do.

I hate of not knowing.

But you know, it's ok.

Ball is in your court, boy.

Imma wait for you to do something about it.

Imma let you get whatever is it you need to do before you do something about it.

Imma let you get however much time you need to do it.

Imma wait

But i might not wait forever for you, yknow.

walking on egg shells

you know who you are,
you know what you feel,
you know where you stand.

and that's really good for you.

but!

sometimes,
you get caught up so much on where you are standing,
that you can't actually see your surrounding.

clouded.

sometimes,
maybe you should swat that cloud.
or stop that train of thought.
or stop wherever you are going.
and stop whatever you are doing.
and actually see and listen.

not everything is a white noise.

not every little things that go against you is a negativity.

because when your sight get clouded,
you don't really know where you are going.
even though in your heart you know,
you are going the right way.

but the thing is, darling,
you might step on someone's toes.

and i know you really don't mean it.
but if you keep going with that cloud of yours,
you will keep on stepping people's toes.

you might get annoyed by their yelling or yelping,
because you don't really feel like you are bothering them.
like what's wrong with going after something good?
and moreover, doing it the right way.
and you know you are going the right way.

your right way.

do you see it now?

sometimes,
when you get so caught up on where you are standing,
caught up in your feeling,
you kinda get...self-centred.

and that's very rude.
to other people.

like what gives you the right to dismiss someone else's feeling???




p.s. this serves as a note-to-self and well, who knows maybe for you too.

zen interrupted

Forewarning: profanity

just when you started to feel in peace again,
just when you started to feel "ok, frrressh start",
just when you started to feel everything's gonna be fine,

and shit decided to throw it's first punch.

HERRRRRGGGHHHH!

i had that part of my life buried so deep that
i had amnesia when trying to recall it back
even though there are constant reminder but
i just decided to feel indifferent to it
like "fuck yeah im alright"

but the thing is,
life lovesss to pull out jokes.
life itself is a fucking joke.

like fucking seriously though?

what the fuck?
came out of nowhere and texted me "hi"
*rolls my eyes so hard i might need surgery to fix it right

i mean, fuck you.
it freaked the fucking hell out of me.
disturbed my fucking zen and
just fucking gotta be an additional pain to what i was currently feeling.
ergh!

i admit, i had a minor panic attack.
my hands were shaking and
my mind was in shambles and distorted.

it was as if my past trying to haunt me back,
after all the burial i have made.

fuck you for blindsiding me.
you should have stayed gone.
because i said bye for real.
and it was meant to see you never!
good fucking riddance.

fuck you for showing up and then what?
expect things from me?
the fuck!

and shit,
why were you fucking running around in circles?
fucking turning tables on me.

like you don't even have the fucking balls
to fucking say whatever you wanted to tell me.
without playing games.
fucking say it to my face, asshole.

like i had to give up waiting
for you to give me answers.
i mean, i would probably go crazy!
trying to level down with your stupidity.

you really are the most stupidest person
i have ever met.
E V E R !

what the actual fuck do you want?
that i would be "concerned" to
whatever you were saying?
to the "truth"?
to the current "state" you are in?

oh and not to forget that you
"honestly i miss u"
*vomits a fucking ocean

like ok...

first of all fucker,
don't get yourself fucking deluded.
we weren't exactly "a thing"
nothing serious was going on.

second of all,
do guys still expect girls to waver at sweet nothings?

that shit was such centuries ago.

fucking act like your age.
maybe there is your side of the whole fucking story.
and maybe you have your own reasons
for every stupid things that you have done.
but honestly though,
i don't care.
i just, don't fucking care.
i don't want to get myself involved anymore fuckeries.
especially from you.

like i'm telling you straight up here.
no reading between the lines.

stay gone, asshole.

Hello, It's Me

This was my Facebook post 6 years ago (thank you Timehop!)

and it's basically the summary of our relationship;

Me and Ade having unnecessary petty, small fight,

Eqah as the tiebreaker (more like silencer),

and to add up this ridiculous post, my then crush liked this post!

hahahaha

---

we're almost at the end of 2015!

and it feels so weird to be at work.

no one actually in the office.

--

oh but to highlight,

a week ago i went to KK!

and not with my parents

(with my ITB gang)

aand it was a road trip instead of flight.

AND drove my own car.

First of everything!

Although it was a really funny story,

from the day we told our parents of our plan

until the very day of the road trip.

hahaha please remember the "patuh" incident

 but it was kinda sad that one of us couldn't make it.

and it really was confusing as well because

the original people in this plan kept ditching

but new people kept turning up hahaha

thanks god the road trip really DID happen after all that fuss.

there were about 10 of us.

yes there were only 3 of us girls.

(wohoo! Master bedroom with en suite bathroom!)

the rest of them, umm...i think they were fine.

they didn't complain so it was all good hehehe.

but let me be honest though,

at first i felt kinda...boring.

hahahahaha

i think because maybe i dont really know the guys well.

like know them, know them well.

besides those two girls lah.

ok so the bunch was from their Frisbee team and degree mates.

and all they talked about is either Frisbee or their coming attachment next year.

so you see where i fit in all of this?

none.

but i got it all through.

tried to jump in their conversation here and there.

tried to make a point that i wasn't really on my phone "all the time"

tried socialising with them.

and then somehow one night,

i talked with one of the guy whom i've never met or known or talked before this.

like ever.

but yeah, we talked.

until 3 in the morning.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

p.s. eleksha, nothing really happened. it was just decent conversation. just talk.

get your shit and head together!

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

Kotak Hati

Haaaiii

My weekend was such a delight that I don't want to waste my feelings. 

I am in such utter happiness and just, content :)

I mean it was not really good all the way.

I still had some moments where the dark clouds got me to just lay down and stare at the ceiling. (Seriously)

But good nonetheless.

Managed to shove the clouds away.

And yo,

#Hujan10Tahun

This weekend was definitely my

Best. Decision. Ever. 

Although it was kinda crazy considering the week before I too was in KL for one week hahahaha. 

This is the YOLO I'm not regretting.

Met some new people too hahahaa but this one is all thanks to Lukman.

But yeah youknow, whatever. 

The only thing about all this though...

The withdrawal. 

*cries a fucking ocean

But whatever. 

Not tonight.

Just not tonight.

To many moreeeee times like this ❤️

#bucketlistscratched

p.s. Noh Salleh was so so good singing live and cute and funny and everything

Fressssh Start

Can we all just pretend that part of my life didn't happen?

I know it did. 

But can we just...fucking shut up about it?

Can we just ignore it?

Because I'm done talking about it.

Shush bah.

I'm all out. 

I'm done feeling guilty. 

I'm done feeling emo. 

Like please,

Me?

Emo?

Psshhfft!

You know what,

Fuck you. 

A Close Call

Thank you Your Greatness, The Almighty!

Thank you for letting yesterday happened. 

Thank you for giving me the answer I've been looking for. 

Thank you for giving me the reason. 

Thank you for the reality slap.

Thank you for showing things to me. 

Thank you. 

.

.

.

I was never really mad. 

Funnily enough, I actually felt relieved!

Happy even. 

It was like a weight lifted off of me. 

Sigh. 

Can't be thankful enough for this. 

Although, maybe,

I gotta admit,

There was some part of me 

Got mad at it. 

Like really pissed off.

But I was just too dumbfounded that

I could not decide whether to be mad

At you or

At the whole thing or

Just at your plain stupidity. 

And I resorted to just...laughing at it.

Laughing because I'm actually in this situation. 

Laughing because all of this is just too funny hahahaha. 

But slowly I understand why I got mad. 

Mad for he didn't exactly tell the truth. 

See there?

I wasn't saying he was lying. 

He just didn't tell the whole truth. 

(Because he's an idiot like that)

And I'm not trying to 

Validate for what he did

But I appreciate his honesty.

Even though it came too late. 

But it's okay, because for me

All of this can be considered as a close call. 

And I'm really really really thankful for that. 

Phew!

Glad you dodged that bullet!

And I'm really proud of myself for doing the right thaang. 

Above all that,

Thank you for thissss!

(I'm not being sarcastic or whatever. Like really)

I'm really glad you proved 

My view on this thing is right. 

*content sigh*

Lastly,

Goodbye and see you never you sorry, ugly, lame-assed fucking excuse for existence! :)

Forever Crush

Remember the time 

When i accept (more like embrace)

The fact that i will always have a 

Crush on him who cant be named?

Yeah. 

Still do. 

So i swore off Starbucks Beribi

Because I know he's working there. 

But as "fate" would have it

My friends brought me there today. 

I was a second too late to realise this. 

Because i was too busy being emotional, telling them stories. 

Like i couldn't be a brat telling them

No we cant be here because someone i know works here. 

(Actually I did tell them that)

I tried to be nonchalant about this. 

Telling myself he wont be working today.

It's ok. You're gonna be ok. You'll be fine. 

But as "fate" would have it,

HE INDEED WAS THERE. 

And that's how it would start. 

Just at the sight of him had me a panic attack.

And could you imagine how I feel when I was at the counter and he was behind it? 

*cries a fucking ocean

I mean, all this might be happening because I haven't seen him in a long while. 

(Hasn't it always like this? Everytime?)

It was everything.

I...

My heart. 

Ugh, my heart couldn't contain itself. 

Flabbergasted. 

Hyperventilating. 

It was #jiwakacau at its best. 

It was almost as if like i was in high school. 

OMG YOU GUYSSSS. 

I know this is nothing new. 

But how long has this been going on?

Since high fucking school?!

Crazy!

But ugh. That guy. 

Why was he acting all that? 

I mean,

I get it,

You like the attention. 

But fuck it,

Have mercy 

Get the fak of me

I think we just constantly be on crossroads.

For me, I try to be nonchalant about it. 

Just be "whatever this road may take me"

But the thing is, before we are on any road at all, we have to decide on which road to take on. 

The choices. 

I have been on many crossroads that it should have been easier for me now. 

But then I realised, each crossroad bears different situation. 

However for now i just...

I'm just so confused. 

And i hate it. 

(Control freak. Go figure!)

It's like the more I spend time thinking on which road im gonna take, the longer it is for me to actually be moving on.

So this basically means I'm stuck. 

Herrrgh.

I can't stand it. 

Also the cause for all of thisss. 

Hisssshh. 

Goddamnit. 

I'm not even really sure if I'm ready. 

I can't even use "fuck it!" on this. 

Because i think so far ahead.

Also because this scares me so much. 

Try to love myself first

The tradition stands still. 

Of not writing anything on New Year's Eve. 

Hahaha.

And now i got a tad bit too late.

I mean, on 2nd Jan?

Hold on, what time is it? Oh well. 

Ok. How am i gonna do this?

--

Always remember the One for He has given you so much. Always pray for strength. To repent. To be grateful. To be on His rightful path. 

--

Remember your own inner strength. It is far more powerful than you could imagine. 

--

You are so much more than everyone has so far discovered. Do not lose yourself. Everyone may forget that. And that's okay as long as you do not.

--

Be true to yourself. This is far more harder than it may sounds. People always say this. But apparently be yourself isn't actually BE yourself. Some people can't handle it. Nevertheless, be you but easy on the swearing and the cold truths. 

--

It's time to actually embrace yourself fully. I know it's hard. But that's what you gotta do. Don't fight your demon. Face it. If you don't like something, then be brave enough to face it. Or change it. Your rule. For yourself. 

--

Give yourself a break. Do not go overdrive with your thoughts. 

--

Remember that thought you locked in a box and buried? Yeah well, be proud because now you have decided to dig them up and embrace it. Just gotta deal with the fact that you will forever have a crush on him. And that's ok. So now you dont have to feel sorry if you act like a fool whenever he's around :)

--

Time is a strange thing. And the universe works strangely. Remember that you once convinced that one thing won't happen to you? Yeah, it happened. (To have someone to like you. Be interested in you. Yeah, YOU) And you freaked out. 

--

I am still a work in progress.

--

You already have a goal for this year. Save up money for the vacation in December!

--

Be kind. To yourself. And to others. 

--

Be sincere. 

--

Finding someone who's worth breaking the wall is hard. Because a) you have trust issues. And b) you just don't bother of actually finding one

--

People will always, always, always see you second/third. Fuck it, the last one. (Or rather none at all) and you're ok with that and continue living with it. In fact, make use of it. 

--

Start whatever you have in mind.

    • sports (hahaha but seriously though)

    • diet (HAHAHA but seriously though)

    • your own business

--

You're ok. 

You're ok being you.

In fact, you're fucking amazing!

Here's to another year. 

To another achievement. 

To another adventure. 

To another found new happiness. 

To another breakthrough strengths. 

Peace and love. 

xx

Tangled

When life blind-sided you

And all you could ever say is

"Shit!"

Ugh.

This is so scary!

Because i never really thought this would happen. 

To me. 

And this caught me off guard

That it's fucking pisses me off. 

I need to get it together. 

I need to be one step ahead. 

I need to be in control of things. 

But right now,

It seems like the more i try to make sense of things,

The more confused i get. 

Herrrrgh.