Hello, It's Me

This was my Facebook post 6 years ago (thank you Timehop!)

and it's basically the summary of our relationship;

Me and Ade having unnecessary petty, small fight,

Eqah as the tiebreaker (more like silencer),

and to add up this ridiculous post, my then crush liked this post!

hahahaha

---

we're almost at the end of 2015!

and it feels so weird to be at work.

no one actually in the office.

--

oh but to highlight,

a week ago i went to KK!

and not with my parents

(with my ITB gang)

aand it was a road trip instead of flight.

AND drove my own car.

First of everything!

Although it was a really funny story,

from the day we told our parents of our plan

until the very day of the road trip.

hahaha please remember the "patuh" incident

 but it was kinda sad that one of us couldn't make it.

and it really was confusing as well because

the original people in this plan kept ditching

but new people kept turning up hahaha

thanks god the road trip really DID happen after all that fuss.

there were about 10 of us.

yes there were only 3 of us girls.

(wohoo! Master bedroom with en suite bathroom!)

the rest of them, umm...i think they were fine.

they didn't complain so it was all good hehehe.

but let me be honest though,

at first i felt kinda...boring.

hahahahaha

i think because maybe i dont really know the guys well.

like know them, know them well.

besides those two girls lah.

ok so the bunch was from their Frisbee team and degree mates.

and all they talked about is either Frisbee or their coming attachment next year.

so you see where i fit in all of this?

none.

but i got it all through.

tried to jump in their conversation here and there.

tried to make a point that i wasn't really on my phone "all the time"

tried socialising with them.

and then somehow one night,

i talked with one of the guy whom i've never met or known or talked before this.

like ever.

but yeah, we talked.

until 3 in the morning.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

p.s. eleksha, nothing really happened. it was just decent conversation. just talk.

get your shit and head together!

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

it's all in your head

Kotak Hati

Haaaiii

My weekend was such a delight that I don't want to waste my feelings. 

I am in such utter happiness and just, content :)

I mean it was not really good all the way.

I still had some moments where the dark clouds got me to just lay down and stare at the ceiling. (Seriously)

But good nonetheless.

Managed to shove the clouds away.

And yo,

#Hujan10Tahun

This weekend was definitely my

Best. Decision. Ever. 

Although it was kinda crazy considering the week before I too was in KL for one week hahahaha. 

This is the YOLO I'm not regretting.

Met some new people too hahahaa but this one is all thanks to Lukman.

But yeah youknow, whatever. 

The only thing about all this though...

The withdrawal. 

*cries a fucking ocean

But whatever. 

Not tonight.

Just not tonight.

To many moreeeee times like this ❤️

#bucketlistscratched

p.s. Noh Salleh was so so good singing live and cute and funny and everything

lost soul

something just hit me.

a sudden thought i had while i was driving back home.

and i'm not sure where is this going though.

or if i actually want to lay it out here.

i know i will probably not gonna remember what the hell i'm talking about in years to come when reading this back.

--

i'm just feeling down lately.

everything just feels like monotonous.

and everything is so tiring.

and i'm tired.

tired of thinking.

tired of feeling confused.

as much as i don't wanna think about it,

as much as i hate thinking about it,

i do still occasionally  think about it.

and it's tiring me.

i no longer have any strength to stop it.

like, fuck it! come at it.

come as you are. as a whole.

--

didn't i tell the one thing i hate the most about this fucking thing we have?

it's the mindfucking.

Revel in, Fellow Dorks!

We have been planning for this since forever

Although it was kinda incomplete

So so proud we have come this far.

Can't believe we have grown so much

(even though sometimes inda berakal)

*sheds a single sorrowful tear

Everyone with their own path but

we still have time for each other

Like we could go on not talking for months

without drifting apart

because we are lowkey like that

I don't even know/remember how we are friends bahahahaha

but we are

we just kinda are

I mean

I still remember the time when we smuggled nuggets

to the library in high school.

stashed inside pencil case!

unbelievable 

To many more successful stories and adventures fellow dorks!

Like can we all just agree that us three scored full points in that

#relationshipgoals

#squadgoals

What's good?

Everything. 

It's kinda nice to be back to normal. 

Previously was kinda rollercoaster-ish. 

The ride which I particularly did not enjoy mostly. 

Although there were some confusing times and moments. But that's ok. 

You were confused. 

At least now you get your head straight. 

Get your feeling out of the gutter. 

It was pretty hard though. 

The recovering.

And not to mention, the withdrawal. 

(I'm referring all of these to three different things at the same time. You just gotta remember which is which, future self. I know you're reading this)

But it's ok. 

At least you are fine now. 

You got yourself out. 

Just don't play around that fire again. 

But yeah. 

So good to be back. 

So good to be at the bystander of the game again. 

Hahahahaha.

But seriously though. So good. 

Heh. 

On another note,

I'm not really sure if i even like you. 

What i do know i think you're cute. And you're tall - which is a bonus. 

What I don't know is if I actually want anything to do with you. 

Or do i even want you to do with it. 

So confusing and mengelabah. 

So ok, it'll be kinda nice if you do. Hahahaha

But then it'll cause wrath of someone. 

So i pretty much don't want you to. 

And so maybe we can just continue playing this whole game.

(Stop saying so. English apeniha?!)

It's kinda fun too.

But it's kinda nerve wrecking that it takes so much to crack you. 

Theeeen again, I probably the only one who is playing the game. 

Whatever it is, im just glad things are...

Average. 

Fressssh Start

Can we all just pretend that part of my life didn't happen?

I know it did. 

But can we just...fucking shut up about it?

Can we just ignore it?

Because I'm done talking about it.

Shush bah.

I'm all out. 

I'm done feeling guilty. 

I'm done feeling emo. 

Like please,

Me?

Emo?

Psshhfft!

You know what,

Fuck you. 

A Close Call

Thank you Your Greatness, The Almighty!

Thank you for letting yesterday happened. 

Thank you for giving me the answer I've been looking for. 

Thank you for giving me the reason. 

Thank you for the reality slap.

Thank you for showing things to me. 

Thank you. 

.

.

.

I was never really mad. 

Funnily enough, I actually felt relieved!

Happy even. 

It was like a weight lifted off of me. 

Sigh. 

Can't be thankful enough for this. 

Although, maybe,

I gotta admit,

There was some part of me 

Got mad at it. 

Like really pissed off.

But I was just too dumbfounded that

I could not decide whether to be mad

At you or

At the whole thing or

Just at your plain stupidity. 

And I resorted to just...laughing at it.

Laughing because I'm actually in this situation. 

Laughing because all of this is just too funny hahahaha. 

But slowly I understand why I got mad. 

Mad for he didn't exactly tell the truth. 

See there?

I wasn't saying he was lying. 

He just didn't tell the whole truth. 

(Because he's an idiot like that)

And I'm not trying to 

Validate for what he did

But I appreciate his honesty.

Even though it came too late. 

But it's okay, because for me

All of this can be considered as a close call. 

And I'm really really really thankful for that. 

Phew!

Glad you dodged that bullet!

And I'm really proud of myself for doing the right thaang. 

Above all that,

Thank you for thissss!

(I'm not being sarcastic or whatever. Like really)

I'm really glad you proved 

My view on this thing is right. 

*content sigh*

Lastly,

Goodbye and see you never you sorry, ugly, lame-assed fucking excuse for existence! :)

Of All People And It's You

Don't play around with idiot.

Don't let idiot plays around you.

Don't you grab idiot.

Don't let idiot grabs you.

Because obviously,

I D I O T.

But the biggest idiot in all of this would be is

you

Thinking everything would be fine.

Thinking nothing would happen.

Thinking everything is just as it was.

But it's not.

Idiot.

Uncalculated Risk

"Well if you know, then let me know

We don't have to keep running in these circles"

Are You Okay?

The thing you once wished so hard
now it's finally coming true.

but now you're not really sure
if this is what you really wanted.

not when everything just spiral around
and everything moves in the speed of light
yet you're still there in your place.

unable to move.

because there are so much going on
because there are so much to take in
because there are everywhere
because you don't really know to start where.

give me some peace.
give me my pace.

if you're not strong enough
then i'm not asking you to wait.

i never really want you to do anything for me.
never really want you to put any effort on me.
never really want you to bet on me.

because if things go south,
do not hold it against me.

if things go south,
should i be sorry?
should you?

if things go south,
and we never really did have anything,
then i'm sure we'll be fine.

right?

.

.

.

shit.

why do i feel like
i don't want you to give up the fight?
don't give up on me yet.

cause when i do find my pace
and i finally crack some space
i want you to be the one who sees and fills it.

is this slowly and surely?

.

.

.

but this is only in my head
cause i'm still afraid.

i'm not sure i'm ready for forever.

yet.

and i'm not sure you can keep up anymore.

cause now every time i look back,
you aren't looking back.

Another Heartbreak

We lost a mother figure today.

Thank you for everything. 

You have been such a good support to us. 

In everything and mostly, academically.

I remember the way you taught me English during my O Level Exam.

Thank your for your wisdom and kind words. 

Your prensence was such a delight. 

And I really really really admire for who you were. 

The way you were. 

The way you raised your children. 

The way you were with people. 

I'll miss you greatly, Buangah. 

Al-Fatihah.

Upgrade You

What is it with the thrill of the chase?

Is it a way to show how determine you are?

Is it a way to proof that you can conquer all?

Is it a way to make you feel worth it?

Is the mind fucking really all what it's all about?

Because settling down means all sparks are gone. 

Kan?

Is it all just a fucking game?

I don't get it. 

If it does, I'm not really interested in playing one.

Leave before you get left

Fuck you. 

I deserve someone so much better. 

Don't ever lower your standard just to compensate someone else's.

They are the one who should upgrade themselves to meet yours. 

Capiche?

Give me a fuxking break

If you're tired of speaking,

Then stop.

If you have enough,

Then stop. 

If you're tired,

Then stop. 

If you're jaded,

Then stop. 

All you have to do is stop. 

Fucking stop.

You don't fucking have to do anything. 

Just stop. 

Your hatred only gonna do so much more damage than you let on. 

Happy Hour

So ok

Im just gonna do this quick

Cause it's already waaay past my bedtime

(Yes, i have a bedtime)

I dont know what i got myself into.

But i just logged into my fb out of boredom.

And yooo this shit is not cray.

hahahhahaa

Probably the best idea eveerrr.

I mean, 

Stuff we posted there?

When we were like, what?

Early 20s.

The era where i would called it as

"The time when everyone had been a poklen once"

Seriously.

Don't fight me on this.

But thank god we grew out of it

Just as quick!

Phew. 

Ahhh

We were so cool back then

(still are)

Only then,

It was as if the life was...easier?

I dont know.

But im pretty sure, teenage hormones and angst were raging at the time.

We knew so little

Yet act like as if we have already known so much.

kids

hahahahhahahah

But above all,

It's a treasure choke-full with stupid/funny/bad/good times and/or memories.

And here is my favourite of all (i could find) :

2010

And I am so glad that we are still together :

                        

                          2015

Thankful even! <3


This shit is emotional. hahahaha

Fak.


#hormonesss
#thattimeofthemonth

Forever Crush

Remember the time 

When i accept (more like embrace)

The fact that i will always have a 

Crush on him who cant be named?

Yeah. 

Still do. 

So i swore off Starbucks Beribi

Because I know he's working there. 

But as "fate" would have it

My friends brought me there today. 

I was a second too late to realise this. 

Because i was too busy being emotional, telling them stories. 

Like i couldn't be a brat telling them

No we cant be here because someone i know works here. 

(Actually I did tell them that)

I tried to be nonchalant about this. 

Telling myself he wont be working today.

It's ok. You're gonna be ok. You'll be fine. 

But as "fate" would have it,

HE INDEED WAS THERE. 

And that's how it would start. 

Just at the sight of him had me a panic attack.

And could you imagine how I feel when I was at the counter and he was behind it? 

*cries a fucking ocean

I mean, all this might be happening because I haven't seen him in a long while. 

(Hasn't it always like this? Everytime?)

It was everything.

I...

My heart. 

Ugh, my heart couldn't contain itself. 

Flabbergasted. 

Hyperventilating. 

It was #jiwakacau at its best. 

It was almost as if like i was in high school. 

OMG YOU GUYSSSS. 

I know this is nothing new. 

But how long has this been going on?

Since high fucking school?!

Crazy!

But ugh. That guy. 

Why was he acting all that? 

I mean,

I get it,

You like the attention. 

But fuck it,

Have mercy 

i dont know what i'm doing

Get the fak of me

I think we just constantly be on crossroads.

For me, I try to be nonchalant about it. 

Just be "whatever this road may take me"

But the thing is, before we are on any road at all, we have to decide on which road to take on. 

The choices. 

I have been on many crossroads that it should have been easier for me now. 

But then I realised, each crossroad bears different situation. 

However for now i just...

I'm just so confused. 

And i hate it. 

(Control freak. Go figure!)

It's like the more I spend time thinking on which road im gonna take, the longer it is for me to actually be moving on.

So this basically means I'm stuck. 

Herrrgh.

I can't stand it. 

Also the cause for all of thisss. 

Hisssshh. 

Goddamnit. 

I'm not even really sure if I'm ready. 

I can't even use "fuck it!" on this. 

Because i think so far ahead.

Also because this scares me so much. 

Try to love myself first

The tradition stands still. 

Of not writing anything on New Year's Eve. 

Hahaha.

And now i got a tad bit too late.

I mean, on 2nd Jan?

Hold on, what time is it? Oh well. 

Ok. How am i gonna do this?

--

Always remember the One for He has given you so much. Always pray for strength. To repent. To be grateful. To be on His rightful path. 

--

Remember your own inner strength. It is far more powerful than you could imagine. 

--

You are so much more than everyone has so far discovered. Do not lose yourself. Everyone may forget that. And that's okay as long as you do not.

--

Be true to yourself. This is far more harder than it may sounds. People always say this. But apparently be yourself isn't actually BE yourself. Some people can't handle it. Nevertheless, be you but easy on the swearing and the cold truths. 

--

It's time to actually embrace yourself fully. I know it's hard. But that's what you gotta do. Don't fight your demon. Face it. If you don't like something, then be brave enough to face it. Or change it. Your rule. For yourself. 

--

Give yourself a break. Do not go overdrive with your thoughts. 

--

Remember that thought you locked in a box and buried? Yeah well, be proud because now you have decided to dig them up and embrace it. Just gotta deal with the fact that you will forever have a crush on him. And that's ok. So now you dont have to feel sorry if you act like a fool whenever he's around :)

--

Time is a strange thing. And the universe works strangely. Remember that you once convinced that one thing won't happen to you? Yeah, it happened. (To have someone to like you. Be interested in you. Yeah, YOU) And you freaked out. 

--

I am still a work in progress.

--

You already have a goal for this year. Save up money for the vacation in December!

--

Be kind. To yourself. And to others. 

--

Be sincere. 

--

Finding someone who's worth breaking the wall is hard. Because a) you have trust issues. And b) you just don't bother of actually finding one

--

People will always, always, always see you second/third. Fuck it, the last one. (Or rather none at all) and you're ok with that and continue living with it. In fact, make use of it. 

--

Start whatever you have in mind.

    • sports (hahaha but seriously though)

    • diet (HAHAHA but seriously though)

    • your own business

--

You're ok. 

You're ok being you.

In fact, you're fucking amazing!

Here's to another year. 

To another achievement. 

To another adventure. 

To another found new happiness. 

To another breakthrough strengths. 

Peace and love. 

xx