To The Rescue

yalls
i have decided not to do it.
i mean you kinda know that i was struggling before.
but just letting you know that im not gonna do it.

the feeling hasn't totally gone yet.
it's still here.
the idea is still kicking and lingering somewhere at the back of my mind.

but i just did myself a throwback blog reading.
and i just...
*relieved*

i read my previous post on (#eleksha)
and i just can't thank my past self.
*katip bibir

thank you for clearing up my doubts.

i still got my own back afterall.

On The Edge

a lot of things have happened since the last post below.
the main highlights that i got on top of my head right now are:

1. My month long leave for UK Vacay
2. My best friend got married

i have been meaning to write the post as they happened

but i just cant get myself to do them.

even more so now that i handle "new work scope"

i'm still doing IT in my department

but as Bapak A wrote up in his email to the LTs  (which making it all official):

i'll be doing 70% of the new work and 30% on IT

and i have been doing this "new job" ever since i got back from my leave.

like, exactly after two days coming into work.

quite big surprise smack into my face after the long "rest"

but im not really complaining though

for me this is "good stress"

i love that i am actually doing something.

i love the feeling that i'm contributing to the big picture.

i love the feeling that i'm needed.

k cukup.

--

sheesh i'm all over the place right now.

i have so many things to write up.

i need the structure!

lol as if i have been doing that in all of my post.

but really there are so many things in my head now.

but guys

i already know where this post is going.

i just need to do it so i can clear my head from it.

and i hate that i have to write it up in here.

because the main laying reason is from the same person.

ugh

like why do i give this much privilege to this useless person?

as if i haven't been moving on *rolls eyes

and everytime i need to clear things up

it just seems like im being defensive

which eventually leading up the assumption that i havent been moving on.

*rolls eyes even harder

i mean

my life is sailing on just nice yknow.

not until he came up.

again.

i know if i have moved on, i shouldn't feel bothered by it.

I KNOW.

but this is my safe space.

so i wanna talk about it.

so you see

i should feel happy.

ecstatic even.

because HE came to ME.

even from Lukman's POV, i won.

but im not gonna dwell on that.

because it's petty and childish.

just like the way he tried to slide into my life again.

hahaha but really though.

it was so funny and a little annoying too.

like, you can't tell me this isn't annoying?

SERIOUSLYYYYY

A.

FUCKING.

DOT.

after a year and a half.

annoying?

yes.

fucking hilarious?

100%

i didn't reply it fyi.

because i didn't receive the notification.

i mean even if i did, i'd probably freaked out first. 

and then rage hahaha.

only noticed it when i opened the app to text Adlina lol.

which was the day after it was sent.

and if i did reply, that'd be like totally going against everything i said.

although (uh-oh!)

there was/is a tiniest fraction of myself that wanted/wants to reply. (herrrgh!)

i mean, not just because Lukman told me a good point.

but sometimes, i do feel like doing exactly what he did to me is the only way i could actually feel satisfy or done about everything that happened. #realtalk

which is crazy.

and useless.

and pointless.

yes im doing two verbs there.

because i'm struggling right now to stay in line.

trying not to do things i might regret.

so you see,

that tiniest fucking voice inside my head is a fucking cunt.

of course she would go against the majority.

regardless the nature of the situation.

because her argument is "just curious"

or

"i wonder"

"you know you wanna do it"

a real fucking cunt.

and during times like these

i really NEED the reminder that

HE AIN'T SHIT!

stop making like he is.

like fucking seriously get it into your head girl.

but payback sounds way better (and easier) than holding yourself girl.

Butterfly vs. Moth

As much as I claim to be an introvert,
I can't help but sometime feels invisible.
Don't get me wrong.
I still appreciate of alone time and/or being alone.

But sometimes I just can't help but feel...invisible.


Just like what happened today.


Most days I would appreciate it.
But today, it just got me thinking hard.
Because all throughout what had happened,
Along the way I just noticed/felt like most attention were only to one person.

Most days I would appreciate it.
But today, I felt...neglected.
Which was ridiculous because I don't even know those people.

And what's even sad is at one time
I felt the sudden urge to make them to notice me.
I was even slightly angry at them.
Like "Uhh HELLO? I'M HERE TOO. LOOK AT ME!"

Sigh.
Unbelievable.

But then right after that,
A sudden realisation hit me.
What am i doing?
I do not need this.
I do not need this person to see me to receive information.
This is not important.
This person is not important.

I calm myself right after and
Slowly told myself you are far better than this petty feeling.

So I ditched it.
And then I walked the whole thing through breezily.

I was there.
Even if hidden behind invisible wall.
I was there.
Even if the others didn't seemed to see me.

I know I was there.

I chuckled to myself over this.
Like I know why this happened.
Why they were giving more attention to one than the other (me).

Because it's the way that person presents themselves.
How they carry themselves.
You may not understand how they do it.
But that effortlessness comes naturally to them.

Just like how people would react to butterfly.
As oppose to moth.
Far better than the other.
Naturally.

But then a thought hit me.
From all of this,
All I ever wanted was just to be acknowledged. 
No matter who or what I am.
No matter how introverted I claim to be.
Being acknowledged is nice shit, yknow.
It gives you that sense of fulfillment.

Which is also why it's fucking sucks.

Almost 2AM Story

I was busy typing and looking at my computer screen when it happened. I actually didn't know what i was doing. Except I wanted to look as if I'm busy and that seemed to be the skill I learned to perfect as far as I'm working.

And then suddenly he came.

Just casually resting his hands on my cubicle and said hey and asked how I'm doing.

I froze for a while and then somehow remember my hair looked bad.

I tried to toss it but it just wasn't working with me well so i left it. And i looked at him and smile and said hey how can i help you.

I know he's leaving. Wait, I thought he already left. What's he doing here? Gahd he looked so handsome.

He said something and i just straight up looked at my computer again, trying to get the answer for him. The sooner i got it, the sooner he'd gone I thought. I couldn't take this; he's standing in front of me. Smiling. He's making me awkward.

I fumbled my words and my head won't stop talking. And then at the corner of my eyes i saw he shifted. He was moving. He was taking off his necklace. He was wearing tshirt and jeans as opposed to the usual i saw him.

"Here" he said and laid the necklace on my table. I stopped typing and stared at the necklace. That's a lot of pendants i thought that I couldn't even make out what it was.

And then i looked up at him - puzzled. He smiled again, widely this time, and told me it's something for you to remember me of.

I gaped.

Wait is this for real I thought . And then several other thoughts assaulted me. I couldn't accept this.

I opened my mouth, trying to tell him just that but all i ever could was just incoherent voices. Because i couldn't hide my smile. I was happy. I couldn't believe this.

And he saw that too.

"Wait, is this a dream?" I said out loud while beaming ear to ear.

Then everything froze again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And then i saw it.
.
.
.
.
.
It is. 
.
.
.
I saw myself laying in bed, dreaming. Of this whole thing. And then my subconscious even realised that i saw myself in the dream looking at me dreaming.

And I remember my smile faltered.

And I remember feeling disappointed.

Aimlessly Floating

Lol i must be crazy.

Losing all strengths and efforts to keep things alive. 

Losing all care to keep up with whatever. 

Losing all fucks to be given. 

My energy drains out easily these days.

And i just don't care anymore. 

Lol i must be crazy.

my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3