To The Rescue

yalls
i have decided not to do it.
i mean you kinda know that i was struggling before.
but just letting you know that im not gonna do it.

the feeling hasn't totally gone yet.
it's still here.
the idea is still kicking and lingering somewhere at the back of my mind.

but i just did myself a throwback blog reading.
and i just...
*relieved*

i read my previous post on (#eleksha)
and i just can't thank my past self.
*katip bibir

thank you for clearing up my doubts.

i still got my own back afterall.

On The Edge

a lot of things have happened since the last post below.
the main highlights that i got on top of my head right now are:

1. My month long leave for UK Vacay
2. My best friend got married

i have been meaning to write the post as they happened

but i just cant get myself to do them.

even more so now that i handle "new work scope"

i'm still doing IT in my department

but as Bapak A wrote up in his email to the LTs  (which making it all official):

i'll be doing 70% of the new work and 30% on IT

and i have been doing this "new job" ever since i got back from my leave.

like, exactly after two days coming into work.

quite big surprise smack into my face after the long "rest"

but im not really complaining though

for me this is "good stress"

i love that i am actually doing something.

i love the feeling that i'm contributing to the big picture.

i love the feeling that i'm needed.

k cukup.

--

sheesh i'm all over the place right now.

i have so many things to write up.

i need the structure!

lol as if i have been doing that in all of my post.

but really there are so many things in my head now.

but guys

i already know where this post is going.

i just need to do it so i can clear my head from it.

and i hate that i have to write it up in here.

because the main laying reason is from the same person.

ugh

like why do i give this much privilege to this useless person?

as if i haven't been moving on *rolls eyes

and everytime i need to clear things up

it just seems like im being defensive

which eventually leading up the assumption that i havent been moving on.

*rolls eyes even harder

i mean

my life is sailing on just nice yknow.

not until he came up.

again.

i know if i have moved on, i shouldn't feel bothered by it.

I KNOW.

but this is my safe space.

so i wanna talk about it.

so you see

i should feel happy.

ecstatic even.

because HE came to ME.

even from Lukman's POV, i won.

but im not gonna dwell on that.

because it's petty and childish.

just like the way he tried to slide into my life again.

hahaha but really though.

it was so funny and a little annoying too.

like, you can't tell me this isn't annoying?

SERIOUSLYYYYY

A.

FUCKING.

DOT.

after a year and a half.

annoying?

yes.

fucking hilarious?

100%

i didn't reply it fyi.

because i didn't receive the notification.

i mean even if i did, i'd probably freaked out first. 

and then rage hahaha.

only noticed it when i opened the app to text Adlina lol.

which was the day after it was sent.

and if i did reply, that'd be like totally going against everything i said.

although (uh-oh!)

there was/is a tiniest fraction of myself that wanted/wants to reply. (herrrgh!)

i mean, not just because Lukman told me a good point.

but sometimes, i do feel like doing exactly what he did to me is the only way i could actually feel satisfy or done about everything that happened. #realtalk

which is crazy.

and useless.

and pointless.

yes im doing two verbs there.

because i'm struggling right now to stay in line.

trying not to do things i might regret.

so you see,

that tiniest fucking voice inside my head is a fucking cunt.

of course she would go against the majority.

regardless the nature of the situation.

because her argument is "just curious"

or

"i wonder"

"you know you wanna do it"

a real fucking cunt.

and during times like these

i really NEED the reminder that

HE AIN'T SHIT!

stop making like he is.

like fucking seriously get it into your head girl.

but payback sounds way better (and easier) than holding yourself girl.

my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3

screwed

so ok
on second thought
on an umpteenth thought,
maybe I shouldn't wait for you.

fuck,
i shouldn't wait for anyone.

i shouldn't wait at all!

i guess
i was so blinded by the fact that
i really like you.

like really really REALLY like you!

(this is why i am so screwed but that doesn't matter now)







WELL MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO MOVE ON NOW THEN!

Welp!

I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I guess none of it ever really matters.

Everything has just been nothing.

And all of this is on me.

It's my fault.

And my head.

sigh

But i feel like

we were moving two steps forward,

and then a whole eon back with you.

That's how bad this really is.

And this confuses the shit out of me.

And i hate being confused.

And i hate of not knowing what to do.

I hate of not knowing.

But you know, it's ok.

Ball is in your court, boy.

Imma wait for you to do something about it.

Imma let you get whatever is it you need to do before you do something about it.

Imma let you get however much time you need to do it.

Imma wait

But i might not wait forever for you, yknow.

What is it about you

What is it about you

That i find it hard to speak properly

What is it about you

That i find it hard to muster up courage

What is it about you

That makes me so confused

What is it about you

That makes my thoughts incoherent

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to figure you out

What is it about you

That nothing ever in my control anymore

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to forget

What is it about you

That i just cant get enough of 

What is it about you

That nothing makes sense anymore

I actually even consider to do things that I thought I will never do. 

But here i am constantly thinking about doing it. 

*cries

Fuck You - I Am Fine!

I mean,

I really shouldn't feel all this right?

I mean,

I hate that person. 

I do. 

But somehow,

Fucking somehow!

My mind just wont shut up and:

"Ah! What a shame."

"Ah what could have been"

"Ah sayang"

One second, i do feel like that.

*cries

But the next second I'll be like,

"The fuck! No! You are way better than this."

Pfft!

I am the best thing that will never happen to him. 

All of this is his loss. 

Do not. 

Do not be like this. 

Do not succumb to this fuckery.

never ending same old sad story

i really don't get it though.
i really shouldn't be doing all this.

get a fucking grip!

like seriously,
all of this aren't really worth it.
like sheeesh,
you should know better!!!

i mean,
why am i so hell bent, wrecking my brain, figuring thing out,
just so i can see you?
like, just see you!
literally just at the sight of you.
and i am okay with that.

like asdfghjkl?!!

when in reality,
pfft,
when honestly,
i'm not even sure if you even realise i'm there.
i'm not even sure if you even have the slightest idea about this.
i'm not even sure if you even have the same feeling as i do.

eurgh.
cliche shit.
and i hate this.
like seriouslyyyyyyyy

and i really hate it
because i can't figure this out.
and i can't figure you out.
and also i can't stop thinking about it.

am i that dumb or am i just that delusional?
dumb that i can't even read your signals?
or delusional to think that there are even signals?

like ugh i give up okay!
like pshfft!

fuck all of this.
fuck you.

train stop

ok for starter,
this isn't related from the previous post.

but yooo,
the feeling of doing what you actually want to do,
what your heart really wants to do
is so so liberating!

and somehow even though doing it
might not exactly how you actually pictured it,
the main point is,
you're doing it.

for this case though,
i'm not sure of what i'm feeling.
maybe i haven't thought this through.

or maybe i just don't exactly know
what i'm expecting from doing this.
what i'm expecting from him for doing this.

so yeah,
haven't actually thought this through.

sheesh.
everything about this one person is just...
i don't know.
i can't figure it out.
at best, i most probably ignore it.
ignore him.

you know, the usual.
ignoring my problem until it goes away by itself.
hahahahaha

so yeah,
i'm just gonna pretend this never happened.

lost soul

something just hit me.

a sudden thought i had while i was driving back home.

and i'm not sure where is this going though.

or if i actually want to lay it out here.

i know i will probably not gonna remember what the hell i'm talking about in years to come when reading this back.

--

i'm just feeling down lately.

everything just feels like monotonous.

and everything is so tiring.

and i'm tired.

tired of thinking.

tired of feeling confused.

as much as i don't wanna think about it,

as much as i hate thinking about it,

i do still occasionally  think about it.

and it's tiring me.

i no longer have any strength to stop it.

like, fuck it! come at it.

come as you are. as a whole.

--

didn't i tell the one thing i hate the most about this fucking thing we have?

it's the mindfucking.

Forever Crush

Remember the time 

When i accept (more like embrace)

The fact that i will always have a 

Crush on him who cant be named?

Yeah. 

Still do. 

So i swore off Starbucks Beribi

Because I know he's working there. 

But as "fate" would have it

My friends brought me there today. 

I was a second too late to realise this. 

Because i was too busy being emotional, telling them stories. 

Like i couldn't be a brat telling them

No we cant be here because someone i know works here. 

(Actually I did tell them that)

I tried to be nonchalant about this. 

Telling myself he wont be working today.

It's ok. You're gonna be ok. You'll be fine. 

But as "fate" would have it,

HE INDEED WAS THERE. 

And that's how it would start. 

Just at the sight of him had me a panic attack.

And could you imagine how I feel when I was at the counter and he was behind it? 

*cries a fucking ocean

I mean, all this might be happening because I haven't seen him in a long while. 

(Hasn't it always like this? Everytime?)

It was everything.

I...

My heart. 

Ugh, my heart couldn't contain itself. 

Flabbergasted. 

Hyperventilating. 

It was #jiwakacau at its best. 

It was almost as if like i was in high school. 

OMG YOU GUYSSSS. 

I know this is nothing new. 

But how long has this been going on?

Since high fucking school?!

Crazy!

But ugh. That guy. 

Why was he acting all that? 

I mean,

I get it,

You like the attention. 

But fuck it,

Have mercy 

It's all in my head.

In the end, it's all in my head.

Pondering ponds

I seriously took a lot of time thinking, contemplating, pondering on what to write.

About this.

About me on this.

About what I feel about this.

About that book.

I cannot read, concentrate on another book until I figure it out.

"It demands to be felt"

It surprised me.

It surprised me many times.

I thought everyone would get better as the story develops.

I thought everyone would survive.

But nooooo.

And thats what suprised me.

And it kills me.

This the same like Heart-Shaped Bruise.

Or the Devotion of Suspect X.

The story surprised me.

It really was a page turner that when I came to the climax,

I was...shocked.

Literally jaw-dropped.

But this one.

This one is special because, it has the privilage to be the first to make me cry.

First book I ever read that made me cry.

Excuse me while I bawl my eyes out kinda cry.

So yeaah.

I mean, I thought I want to take things slowly because I want to savour them.

Apprehend each words I read.

Understand each sentence I read.

Understand the emotion they convey.

But nooooo.

I just cant stop myself from turning the pages.

You know that feeling you get when you downloaded full season of a tv show,

That you can watch the entire season in one night

Cause you cant wait to know what will happen next

And you keep telling yourself "one last episode before bedtime, one last episode"

But nooooo.

It never really was "one last episode"

I mean I spent half of my day finishing this book!

From the moment I woke up, I grabbed and started reading it.

I dont even care if my puasa is makruh.

Thats how good this book is!

Seriously.

I need to take a breath.

Things got pretty escalated up there. (Hah!)

Sigh.

Maybe thats the thing with books yknow.

You never really know whats going to happen until you actually read it.

I mean, you think you got it all figured out but boom!

You dont.

You think you know what will happen next but boom!

You dont.

And i love that.

Maybe thats why i love thriller/psychological/crime-solving books.

Or books in general.

They surprise you.

A cold heartless bitch

I'm sorry i can't really hide what i feel.
I'm sorry i can't really hide how my facial expressions reflect my feelings.

I'm sorry I've been giving you cold stare.
I'm sorry how i not acknowledge you when you are around.
I'm sorry i make it awkward.
I'm sorry for all the bad feelings you may have that I've caused.
I'm sorry for everything.

This is just me trying to do good.
I think.
I guess, i reached that part where i can't take it anymore.
I snapped.

I don't hate you.
I don't.
I just hate it that you seem to take everything away from me.
I hate that you seem to be everyone's favourite.
I hate that you seem much more important to everyone.
I hate that you seem to take my role.

Don't you get it now?
You're fucking replacing me.
And I know that you didn't mean it.
I know how that's not really what you are doing.
But I just can't help but feel that you are.

I mean, doesn't it bother you if you are being replaced by somebody else?
Doesn't it break your heart?
Doesn't it make you feel like inadequate?

Or maybe its just me.
I just can't seem to open up to things.
To people.
I can't seem to trust anyone.
To become part of something that I'm protective about.

So for now, I hope you understand why I do the things I do to you.
I don't really like you right now.
And to avoid me from snapping and hurt you and everyone else,
I rather to stay away from you.
Can't you see it?
This is my effort in taking everyone's feelings into account.
Please understand.
This may seem heartless and stupid and childish or any fucking thing that you can think of.
Because it does.
But this is the only way I know how.

So please understand.

Lack of Faith and Everything Else

There will come a time
where I believe we will all be facing failures.

There will come a time
where I believe we will all be standing on a crossroad,
confused and bewildered.

I once believed failure only comes in the form of education.
But now, it all has changed for
I've never felt so like a failure as much as I am now.

I thought things will get easy once you have overcame the hurdles.
Because thats what all they said, right?

'Pass this exam and your life will be fine'
'Overcome this and you'll go far. Trust me'

But the truth is, it never gets easy.
The more things you have gone through, the more tougher it gets.
Well, they never actually, literally said it was 'easy'.
I guess, I should've read between the lines.

But what if, this is it, for me?
What if, this is all I ever can do?
Aren't we supposed to know our very own strength and capabilities?
I feel like I don't have the strength to continue anymore.
I need a new...directions.
But then why don't I believe everything I just said? said the head.
What if all of this is just because I'm too afraid?
Of things.
Of uncertainty.

Don't you just feel at loss thinking if I choose this now, what will ever happen to me if i choose the other one?

At crossroads.
Where the choice you'd make will change the course of your life.

"Do you even have an original thought?"

Accidentally bared myself

Accidentally showed myself

Accidentally made myself vulnerable

I dont...

I dont like that.

In fact, i hate it.

Never again.

Introversion

I wish i am loaded so i can go Euro trip right now.

I don't want to think about what will i do next.

I don't want to think where will i go after this.

I just want to wander around the world and maybe do some soul-searching.

Sometimes i feel like i need to do all that. 
Maybe some people would answer like why can't i do all that in here, in Brunei?

Because i just have to, for once, get out of here. 

I just want to get out of here.

I know i sometimes complained how i don't like to be surrounded in public places full with strangers. 

How it makes me feel claustrophobic. 

Or "claustrophobic" how you would rather say it.

But i think for me, being out there, out of here, i wont yknow, feel all that. 
Because being here, the strangers are all known. 
What i meant is that the thought of how this people know that people.
It's suffocating. 

I just want to travel.

Maybe then i know what i really want to do.

Why can't i just figure it all out earlier?
What's my goal? 
What do i want in life?

I haven't got a clue.

And that for me is scary and at the same time exhilarating.

We here are all so caught up to be the best. 
I guess, its true that our parents just want the best for us. 
But i sometimes can't help but think, what if i don't want all that? 
What if all that aren't whats best for me even if it sounds right, generally, usually?

But i guess, the prospect of wandering around aimlessly isn't that great compared to being tight down to a steady job after your graduation.

I mean hey, we all want stability in life for the future after all.

SIGH

I don't know. 
Maybe i'm just scared to take the new step. 
What if it will end bad? 
What if it doesn't work well? 

Should i continue my studies? Or should i enter the working world? 

Because there will always be a lingering thought of 'Am I really ready for this?' or 'Am I really good at this?' at the back of my mind.

And whats more of a uhh...stressful/supporting forces is that, everyone is asking me what do i do next?

Everyfuckingone

'Ke mana kau lapas ani?'

'Eh ada keraja kosong ni bla bla bla'

'Update your CV and hantar'

'Sudah kau hantar?'

'Sudah kau update?'

'Cuba jangan betabiat'

Ugh!
There are times I just wanna say :
'WOAH!  HOLD THE FUCK OUT! I ONLY STARTED MY VACATION LIKE WEEKS AGO! CAN'T I JUST HAVE SOME FREE TIME FIRST?'

And yes, i wanna shout all of that.

I know i should be thankful for all the supports cause not everyone have it like i do. 
I know, i know all that.
I do.

And for that reason also, i didnt say all that up above.

I don't know.

Maybe all of this just comes down because i'm confused.

Or maybe I've done way too many thinking and went deep here.

I don't know.

Young Leonardo DiCaprio

why is it that,

when you don't know why you are sad,

it gets even sadder?

and then

when you don't know,

you start figuring it out

and then

all of the self-doubts, self-pities, pathetic stories

are all coming at full speed

by then

you already feel the depression lingers,

just around the corner.

sigh

Damn you, Titanic!

p.s. Did you know that Leonardo was 23 years old when he was in that movie?

wishing things to happen but

too scared to let it happen

(this is me right now)

like a never-ending nightmare

[30 Seconds to Mars- Closer To The Edge]

I somehow miss si Haziqah Azari.
which then makes me to miss Gyrah and then si Lukman.
and Ade.
but i just miss talking to him lah cause i see his face everyday masih at itb!

i miss the good old times!


but i gotta push this feeling to the side cause i got many assignments and works piling up
and the due date is getting nearer.
(you're getting faster each day,universe!)

and it gets interesting too;

IT KEEPS SHOWING UP!