#eleksha

i never really thought this day would really come.
i mean i have imagined it.
imagined what i would say.
imagined how i would say it.

but all these times, i thought it would never come.

no matter how much i have thought about it.
half of the time i kinda believed they wont come.
because let's face it, that's just how everything works anyway.

but lo and behold,
today that day has come.

i actually saw that brengsek again.

and ironically at the same place where it all fucking began.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha ah aH..

thankfully i had Adlina with me.

we were sitting for half a day course.

and it's so funny.
like i knew we were going to be in that place
but prior to this day i never really felt any anxiety.
unlike before.
because i was so sure that he won't be there.

like what are the odds?
pfft.

but unfortunately
Adlina didn't remember how he looks like
that we ended up sitting
exactly next to his table and his group of friends
during morning coffee break.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha

but the point for this post is
to remind you,
yes - future me,
regardless how you ended up here - twitter/timehop/blog reading,
that you are fine.

Throughout what had happened today,
you were okay.
freaked out a little
(well a lot but only for a little while but that's understandable and forgiven)
but eventually you are A-okay.

So okay, maybe all thanks to Eqah.
i called her straightaway out of my panic attack
the minute that i believed i wasn't seeing things.
that that stupid guy who was looking at us
in all smug and smiling face was really him.
she kinda cooled my anxiety down
and told me to just toughen up hahah.

#bestadviceever #peptalk

What i have also realised is -

nothing.

Everything = nothing.
i felt nothing at all.

okay lah

still a little mad and i threw some curses at him too
but yknow whatever.

BUT THE THING IS
i think everything just kinda make sense now.
these things happened because maybe
Allah wants to show me that
there are people like him
and you don't wanna end up with him.

i know that sounds kinda mean.
but what i'm trying to say is
there are guys like him that will throw
sweet nothings at you
and have like zero sense
and act like a douche
and are mostly stupid

but will act they are cool

they will act as if they are noble

and doing things just because the other guys are doing it too.

because that's just how guys are.

stupid and disappointing.

and i don't want that for me.
like nauzubillah.

and because i deserve better.

and maybe things happened because
it is one of the contributing factor that
can make me return to Him.

(this is so cliche and typical it hurts. i am that girl that i always read in fb that i loathe)

but i honestly can't be grateful enough for this.

like i know things are like bad
during that time or
maybe on someone else's perspective
but i am actually glad now.

Allah still loves me that He helped me dodged that bullet :')

like imagine the horror if i actually be with him?
*shudders sheesh nauzubillah jauhpalisss

i mean who else would know me better than i am?
right?

sigh
thanks Allah, You're the best.

وَلاَ تَكِلْنِيْ اِلىَ نَفْسِيْ طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

Dan janganlah Engkau serahkan aku kepada diriku sendiri walau sekelip mata

so i will not be regretful
for whatever had happened.
that includes all the episodes i had.
the manic, depressed and crazy ones.
not to mention the events prior to all of this
and events which i called the aftermath.

because eventually everything just lead right up to

where i am now.

hashtag blessed y'alls

Day 1 of Instagram-cleansing

Hahahaha obnoxious jua title nya.

But yeah. 

Day 1 of not checking instagram. 

Funny story. 

My sister challenged me not to check ig for a month.

Actually I brought this one on myself. Where i got annoyed that i just decided not to check ig for a month. 

I meant it as a joke. 

BUT MY SISTER retorted and said as if I could do just that.

That girl. 

I swear if she's actually here right now, I'd probably choke her to death.

So one thing lead to another and here we are. 

This is to prove that I actually can do just that. *blows nail

But i think im having withdrawal already. 

Hahahhhahaah

Day 1 jua banar. 

But seriously though. 

I felt lost for a while. 

Maybe because it's part of my daily routine. 

Not doing it feels...weird. 

And empty.

Hahahahaha

Tapi come on.

I just lost one source of entertainment. 

IG explore is actually where I usually find all those crazy funny posts, memes and videos. 

Rindu ku. 

But from that same source as well 

IS actually the reason why this all has started. 

Ugh. 

My IG Explore is currently contaminated with non stop annoying faces from that malaysian drama. 

Pfft. 

People surrounding me talk about it all the time. 

Pfft. 

Even I TALK ABOUT IT AS WELL WHICH APPARENTLY OUT OF ANNOYANCE AND IT'S GETTING HARD TO KEEP MY EMOTION AND COOL IN CHECK BUT IMMA COOL DOWN.

SUPER PFFT! 

Sheesh. 

It has caused lot of damage to me self. 

Rusak hati me. 

Yknow, i got so annoyed by it that I actually threw my phone away.

On several different occasions and places. 

That's how frustrated i was/am at it/him/her. 

Annoying berabisss. 

I don't even know why I don't like it/him/her. 

Inexplicable. 

Or mungkin pasal aku hater hahahaha. 

Which is also WHYYYYY IM DOING THIS. 

To cleanse my heart. 

Jaga hati. 

Because in the end, it's for me. 

Plus it's tiring to feel angry all the time. 

And kinda stupid for getting angry at something that's completely and utterly pointless. 

Lol. 

So #eleksha. 

And now, 29 days to go haha. 

Sigh.

p.s. The drama has something to do with pilot and famous hijan seller. Whatever.

you are just a bad idea.

having and keeping feelings for you

are the worst.

wedding bells

what is it with people around me lately

everything just revolves around...weddings and marriages.

my colleague friend at work is planning to have hers next year in July/August!

although it was quite fun to help her with researching and finding weddings things hahaha

and then
last weekend was Lynn and Duan Wedding day <3
i was one of the bridesmaid
and it was actually quite fun!

that's a first for me.
to actually take wedding as fun.

maybe it had to do with whom i was with.
and who i got to see.

:)

i actually turned 25

hahahaha

but really though, 25??

T W E N T Y - F I V E

the age where you should get married.

the age where everyone starts throwing you questions.

my mom got married when she was 25, so there's that.

it is also at this age where people assume you got it all figured out.

your career.

your life.

your partner.

your financial.

erk all the big adult words.

but what REALLY is to be figured out?

when actually here i am just taking the days as it comes lol.

well i stop figuring out all the (supposedly) necessary things.

try to, mind you.

because all that are in the hand of the Almighty.

yes, efforts are to be put in but leave the rest to Him.

for someone who is a control freak, i'm still learning the process and the idea of redha.

actual redha.

knowing there are things you can't handle and

letting go of what you can't handle.

accepting of whatever He had/has planned.

i decided i had enough with whatever happened in the past.

that includes everything that wont benefit me.

for example, liking people.

HAHAHAHAHA!

but seriously,

my days of having crush on/liking someone are over.

i wanna put it behind me.

pasal inda pedah y'alls

hahahah

this also means that i won't be writing the follow up on my previous post on

if i were to be blatantly and completely honest

even though i promised that i would.

pasal inda pedah y'alls

no matter how funny that post i structured it to be.

(lol perasan cali)

this year's birthday also made me realised

how i don't really care about the amount of people sending in text messages/greetings.

quality over quantity lettew.

but seriously no matter how many messages you received, 

when you didn't get the ones from who really mattered then

apakah maksud semua ini?

hahhahaha

but seriouslyyyy

messages/greetings from people who are important to you is actually important.

you'd actually feel heartbroken and sad when they don't.

menyamal lol.

but since you're 25 (!!), sikit saja lah.

which brings me to these bunch of people:

MY ITB GANG!

(except for the guy in the middle. he was the host at one of the house we went raya to lol)

we went for a very short raya trip together to Lumut yesterday.

bear in mind, none had greeted me that day.

truth to be told, i was kinda expecting for them to throw surprises.

expected them to throw one during one of the houses we went to.

but none.

they didn't even pull one when they sent me back home.

-___________-"

so i was like "oh well. it doesn't really matter anyway"

and i said bye to them and shooed them since it was already late.

didn't invite them in even if they wanted to because they said alang2.

but i said no because i don't know (more like don't like) to entertain guests hahahah.

but my mom was welcoming them in (which apparently came cause they cried help)

so it was all kind of rushing, here and there.

i was flabbergasted and when things finally settling down,

that's when i turned around and saw Karen came in with a cake!

-____________-"

sigh

these people ah.

they never failed to pull one every year for me.

it's annoying hahahaha.

but i am very grateful.

the time and effort they put into :')

so thank you Allah for lending me

all of these lovely people.

love you.

ruin everything

can't even say something

without being told that

i can't get over "you".

can't even say something

without being questioned whether

it has anything to do with "you".

can't even do shit

because i apparently "still haven't moved on yet"

can anyone please give me some credit?

*rolls my eyes so hard and comes back with a middle finger

inner conflict

it's almost half of the year

and so far this space here only showed

how manic and borderline crazy i could be

lol

i am fine. really.

i will take whatever this is as my learning process.

process of taking it in.

process of understanding it.

process of digesting it.

process of letting it go.

and i knowwww

it's gonna take time.

most probably in a long while.

and it's ok.

imma let myself take the time it needs.

so whatever episodes that i might have,

if they ever get out of hand,

i will just gonna retreat.

more happy stories next time!

.

.

.

my inner bitch:

hahahaha

whatever bullshit this is,

i dont really care.

imma just gonna have it as it goes.

the after party

waking up the next morning

feeling content.

and just heave a blissful sigh.

i love it.

but the  w i t h d r a w a l

*cries

--

the past two weeks have been tiring.

roller-coaster.

*rolls eyes

but seriously.

i know this is just like the usual.

my usual drama hahaha

but ugh.

whatever.

and i don't let myself think.

if i don't think,

then i won't remember.

then i will be fine.

so don't think.

don't even try to remember.

my emotional roller-coaster had also led me

to take a not-so-spur-of-the-moment decision.

i just feel like i had to.

nothing major - i just cut my hair short bahahaha.

cut off the weights (literally and figuratively) on my shoulders.

and this is my first time to ever have this short short hair.

never been this short in a long while

that it's so awkward to see me like this.

heh.

--

the same past two weeks,

i had been spending my weekends outside Brunei.

the first week i was in Singapore and

just last weekend i was in KL.

crazy, i know!

but so so tiring.

but at the same time so so worth it.

i mean

i am so "jet lagged" that i tried to get off from the seat belt 

in my friend's car like you got off of it in a plane.

i literally put my hands on my stomach, searching for metal flap,

instead of pushing the button on my right (passenger side)

-_________-"

lulz. Dumbass.

--

this also happened last Sunday:

SHEILA ON 7'S 20TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT!

THE reason why I was in KL.

holy shit you guys!

where do i even begin??

like, this is was in my bucket list!

even tweeted about wanting to go for their concert like 2 years ago??

just holy goodness in life and everything in it!

the opening was by Noh Salleh (um major love!)

i felt like i was the only one singing along to him.

hahaha perasan but seriously though

AND Duta you guysss!

D U T A

does he ever age at all?!

although it was *kinda* suck

because we had purchased the wrong ticket :(

should have bought the Duta zone which was closer to the stage.

but pretty happy nonetheless for being there.

at one moment,

i literally put my hands on my face

and thought "i'm actually here watching this"

the feeling when i was there

and the feeling afterwards

and the withdrawals, the everything

those are just what i am so grateful right now.

xx

screwed

so ok
on second thought
on an umpteenth thought,
maybe I shouldn't wait for you.

fuck,
i shouldn't wait for anyone.

i shouldn't wait at all!

i guess
i was so blinded by the fact that
i really like you.

like really really REALLY like you!

(this is why i am so screwed but that doesn't matter now)







WELL MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO MOVE ON NOW THEN!

Welp!

I guess it doesn't really matter now.

I guess none of it ever really matters.

Everything has just been nothing.

And all of this is on me.

It's my fault.

And my head.

sigh

But i feel like

we were moving two steps forward,

and then a whole eon back with you.

That's how bad this really is.

And this confuses the shit out of me.

And i hate being confused.

And i hate of not knowing what to do.

I hate of not knowing.

But you know, it's ok.

Ball is in your court, boy.

Imma wait for you to do something about it.

Imma let you get whatever is it you need to do before you do something about it.

Imma let you get however much time you need to do it.

Imma wait

But i might not wait forever for you, yknow.

What is it about you

What is it about you

That i find it hard to speak properly

What is it about you

That i find it hard to muster up courage

What is it about you

That makes me so confused

What is it about you

That makes my thoughts incoherent

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to figure you out

What is it about you

That nothing ever in my control anymore

What is it about you

That i just cant seem to forget

What is it about you

That i just cant get enough of 

What is it about you

That nothing makes sense anymore

I actually even consider to do things that I thought I will never do. 

But here i am constantly thinking about doing it. 

*cries

Fuck You - I Am Fine!

I mean,

I really shouldn't feel all this right?

I mean,

I hate that person. 

I do. 

But somehow,

Fucking somehow!

My mind just wont shut up and:

"Ah! What a shame."

"Ah what could have been"

"Ah sayang"

One second, i do feel like that.

*cries

But the next second I'll be like,

"The fuck! No! You are way better than this."

Pfft!

I am the best thing that will never happen to him. 

All of this is his loss. 

Do not. 

Do not be like this. 

Do not succumb to this fuckery.

walking on egg shells

you know who you are,
you know what you feel,
you know where you stand.

and that's really good for you.

but!

sometimes,
you get caught up so much on where you are standing,
that you can't actually see your surrounding.

clouded.

sometimes,
maybe you should swat that cloud.
or stop that train of thought.
or stop wherever you are going.
and stop whatever you are doing.
and actually see and listen.

not everything is a white noise.

not every little things that go against you is a negativity.

because when your sight get clouded,
you don't really know where you are going.
even though in your heart you know,
you are going the right way.

but the thing is, darling,
you might step on someone's toes.

and i know you really don't mean it.
but if you keep going with that cloud of yours,
you will keep on stepping people's toes.

you might get annoyed by their yelling or yelping,
because you don't really feel like you are bothering them.
like what's wrong with going after something good?
and moreover, doing it the right way.
and you know you are going the right way.

your right way.

do you see it now?

sometimes,
when you get so caught up on where you are standing,
caught up in your feeling,
you kinda get...self-centred.

and that's very rude.
to other people.

like what gives you the right to dismiss someone else's feeling???




p.s. this serves as a note-to-self and well, who knows maybe for you too.

never ending same old sad story

i really don't get it though.
i really shouldn't be doing all this.

get a fucking grip!

like seriously,
all of this aren't really worth it.
like sheeesh,
you should know better!!!

i mean,
why am i so hell bent, wrecking my brain, figuring thing out,
just so i can see you?
like, just see you!
literally just at the sight of you.
and i am okay with that.

like asdfghjkl?!!

when in reality,
pfft,
when honestly,
i'm not even sure if you even realise i'm there.
i'm not even sure if you even have the slightest idea about this.
i'm not even sure if you even have the same feeling as i do.

eurgh.
cliche shit.
and i hate this.
like seriouslyyyyyyyy

and i really hate it
because i can't figure this out.
and i can't figure you out.
and also i can't stop thinking about it.

am i that dumb or am i just that delusional?
dumb that i can't even read your signals?
or delusional to think that there are even signals?

like ugh i give up okay!
like pshfft!

fuck all of this.
fuck you.

train stop

ok for starter,
this isn't related from the previous post.

but yooo,
the feeling of doing what you actually want to do,
what your heart really wants to do
is so so liberating!

and somehow even though doing it
might not exactly how you actually pictured it,
the main point is,
you're doing it.

for this case though,
i'm not sure of what i'm feeling.
maybe i haven't thought this through.

or maybe i just don't exactly know
what i'm expecting from doing this.
what i'm expecting from him for doing this.

so yeah,
haven't actually thought this through.

sheesh.
everything about this one person is just...
i don't know.
i can't figure it out.
at best, i most probably ignore it.
ignore him.

you know, the usual.
ignoring my problem until it goes away by itself.
hahahahaha

so yeah,
i'm just gonna pretend this never happened.

Message Seen

sorry for the last couple (angry) posts.
never intended to be so...spiteful.
that was just pure raw emotions and
just letting it all out.

because i really needed to.

hoping for more better stories next time!

hoping for more "heart confettis" posts.

like this one here.

although,
it's kinda leaning towards to "my hati is like pacah"
but also "head in the cloud"

damn.

oh nothing new you guyss,
just seasonal crush hahahaha.
but maaaaann, this one is so hard though.
(or this too also seasonal?)

(or am i just too delusional to even talk about this?)

i like it this time.
because i said it straight up.
and i'm actually proud of it.
freaked out a little bit in the beginning.
but then i was just like "eh fuck it"

i mean,
come on you guyss.
it's just feeling.
and i want it to be known.
i just want you to know.
you don't really have to reciprocate to it.
or have a reaction about it.
just, well, i just want you to know about it.

because if you know then that's enough for me.
like really!
it's a comforting thought that i know that you know it.
and then you just do whatever you wanna do with that.

it really isn't that hard, right?
























now if only you read that message i left though...

zen interrupted

Forewarning: profanity

just when you started to feel in peace again,
just when you started to feel "ok, frrressh start",
just when you started to feel everything's gonna be fine,

and shit decided to throw it's first punch.

HERRRRRGGGHHHH!

i had that part of my life buried so deep that
i had amnesia when trying to recall it back
even though there are constant reminder but
i just decided to feel indifferent to it
like "fuck yeah im alright"

but the thing is,
life lovesss to pull out jokes.
life itself is a fucking joke.

like fucking seriously though?

what the fuck?
came out of nowhere and texted me "hi"
*rolls my eyes so hard i might need surgery to fix it right

i mean, fuck you.
it freaked the fucking hell out of me.
disturbed my fucking zen and
just fucking gotta be an additional pain to what i was currently feeling.
ergh!

i admit, i had a minor panic attack.
my hands were shaking and
my mind was in shambles and distorted.

it was as if my past trying to haunt me back,
after all the burial i have made.

fuck you for blindsiding me.
you should have stayed gone.
because i said bye for real.
and it was meant to see you never!
good fucking riddance.

fuck you for showing up and then what?
expect things from me?
the fuck!

and shit,
why were you fucking running around in circles?
fucking turning tables on me.

like you don't even have the fucking balls
to fucking say whatever you wanted to tell me.
without playing games.
fucking say it to my face, asshole.

like i had to give up waiting
for you to give me answers.
i mean, i would probably go crazy!
trying to level down with your stupidity.

you really are the most stupidest person
i have ever met.
E V E R !

what the actual fuck do you want?
that i would be "concerned" to
whatever you were saying?
to the "truth"?
to the current "state" you are in?

oh and not to forget that you
"honestly i miss u"
*vomits a fucking ocean

like ok...

first of all fucker,
don't get yourself fucking deluded.
we weren't exactly "a thing"
nothing serious was going on.

second of all,
do guys still expect girls to waver at sweet nothings?

that shit was such centuries ago.

fucking act like your age.
maybe there is your side of the whole fucking story.
and maybe you have your own reasons
for every stupid things that you have done.
but honestly though,
i don't care.
i just, don't fucking care.
i don't want to get myself involved anymore fuckeries.
especially from you.

like i'm telling you straight up here.
no reading between the lines.

stay gone, asshole.

It's Not That Deep

stop trying to find the "deeper meaning" in everything.
sometimes there aren't any.

stop doing
"what does this/that mean?"
"it must have been something"
"it must have mean something"

sometimes
things are far simple than you imagine
and it's okay



it's okay
that they don't have meaning

or logical reason behind it

sometimes
things just happen.

this will help greatly in your "goal" this year
which you forgot to mention in previous post btw, which is;

Do Not Complicate Things

Hold Your Heart

ok i'm trying to do this as fast as i can
because let's face it,
tomorrow is the day everyone getting back to reality.
time to keep our nose to the grindstone!

so far though
i don't really know what to write here.
but i got to.
need to keep that tradition alive!
hahahaha

ok time to reflect and improve.

--

i have decided what's the best thing happened to me in 2015.
i have been racking my brain, trying to remember on what.
and every single time i have come to the same thing.
so, the best thing ever happened in 2015 was

#HUJAN10TAHUN

hahahahaha

but really though

it was the best feeling i have ever felt.
the best content feeling i have ever felt.
the best enjoyable time i have ever experienced.
the worst withdrawal i have ever felt.

i still occasionally think about it
and actually miss it

*wails

i couldn't even take a proper or decent
or instagram worthy picture of that night
because it was that good.

i didn't have the time to take a perfect picture to sum it.
i just kinda let it soaked in me.
embraced all the feelingsss maaan.

god! i miss it

--

try to change myself for the better.
be more a pious muslim.
insyaAllah

i hope i can do this.
effort is all that matters.
insyaAllah.

kinda nervous for declaring this.
but at the same time, i think it's good for me.
insyaAllah.

stay istiqamah.
trying to seek seeking redha from the Almighty.

--

boys aren't really worth it.
i realised that.
after what happened
*rolls eyes so hard i might go blind

but seriously you guys.

they are not worth it.
they are not worth your time.
they are not worth your effort.
they are not worth the space in your mind.
let alone your heart!

so do yourself some favour,
do not lose yourself over someone else
who doesn't even know what to do with you.

get a grip!!

--

another goal for this year is
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY!

like really fucking serious now.
must be from now.
or else, fucking die maaan.

really really really really need to save money.
suffer a little while this year.
promise it'll be worth it.

and please know, that money will be used
for your next year UK trip ok.

so hold on!

--

i'm sorry for this short post.
but i think i hit a wall now.
i seriously don't know/have anything to write now.

but write soon!

May this year brings more kindness and good things to everyone.
More success stories!

xx