I forgot

To mention that

I passed my final semester's exam.

I'll be graduating next year.

InsyaAllah.

I'll be having my HND certificate.

InsyaAllah.

Two and a half years - gone!

Like snap!

:)

Introversion

I wish i am loaded so i can go Euro trip right now.

I don't want to think about what will i do next.

I don't want to think where will i go after this.

I just want to wander around the world and maybe do some soul-searching.

Sometimes i feel like i need to do all that. 
Maybe some people would answer like why can't i do all that in here, in Brunei?

Because i just have to, for once, get out of here. 

I just want to get out of here.

I know i sometimes complained how i don't like to be surrounded in public places full with strangers. 

How it makes me feel claustrophobic. 

Or "claustrophobic" how you would rather say it.

But i think for me, being out there, out of here, i wont yknow, feel all that. 
Because being here, the strangers are all known. 
What i meant is that the thought of how this people know that people.
It's suffocating. 

I just want to travel.

Maybe then i know what i really want to do.

Why can't i just figure it all out earlier?
What's my goal? 
What do i want in life?

I haven't got a clue.

And that for me is scary and at the same time exhilarating.

We here are all so caught up to be the best. 
I guess, its true that our parents just want the best for us. 
But i sometimes can't help but think, what if i don't want all that? 
What if all that aren't whats best for me even if it sounds right, generally, usually?

But i guess, the prospect of wandering around aimlessly isn't that great compared to being tight down to a steady job after your graduation.

I mean hey, we all want stability in life for the future after all.

SIGH

I don't know. 
Maybe i'm just scared to take the new step. 
What if it will end bad? 
What if it doesn't work well? 

Should i continue my studies? Or should i enter the working world? 

Because there will always be a lingering thought of 'Am I really ready for this?' or 'Am I really good at this?' at the back of my mind.

And whats more of a uhh...stressful/supporting forces is that, everyone is asking me what do i do next?

Everyfuckingone

'Ke mana kau lapas ani?'

'Eh ada keraja kosong ni bla bla bla'

'Update your CV and hantar'

'Sudah kau hantar?'

'Sudah kau update?'

'Cuba jangan betabiat'

Ugh!
There are times I just wanna say :
'WOAH!  HOLD THE FUCK OUT! I ONLY STARTED MY VACATION LIKE WEEKS AGO! CAN'T I JUST HAVE SOME FREE TIME FIRST?'

And yes, i wanna shout all of that.

I know i should be thankful for all the supports cause not everyone have it like i do. 
I know, i know all that.
I do.

And for that reason also, i didnt say all that up above.

I don't know.

Maybe all of this just comes down because i'm confused.

Or maybe I've done way too many thinking and went deep here.

I don't know.

I wonder

Who even reads blogger nowadays?

Apparently you, my dear.

Apparently you.

Note to self

When you are surrounded with people,

When you are surrounded with strangers,

When you are in public places,

Just remember this:

You Were Never An Option To All of Them

It saves you a helluva effort.

Trust me.

Guess who can't sleep tonight

and start blogging rampantly

in the middle of the night

while everyone is probably having a dream by now?

But judging by the sound of the snores in here,

I'll bet all they are seeing are black screen. 

Hahahahaha!

(I even start a joke with myself)

Hello! :)

Inappropriate time to have such a good time

I know the saying

'Be careful what you wish for'

And sometimes i think that

Those things would never happened.

Because even if it does,

They are usually the bad ones.

Aren't they always?

But for now,

I wish i am numb from fellings. 

Emotions.

Or whatever they are called that usually fucked up your mind.

Guilt has rather a great power.

It got you thinkin of your conscience.

I really wish i could get rid of it sometimes.

I'd rather be cold hearted bitch than to dwell on something that clearly one-sided.

Or do they?

One-sided, i mean.

This makes no sense.

With all the way i'm doing this too even accelerated the confusion.

But i guess it reflects the way i'm thinking.

Hoping from one issue to another which its connections are rather on blurry line.

Vashappeninng?

See i did it again.

Pure bliss

Have you ever stepped into a shower 

With the perfect temperature 

And thought like you can stay in there 

forever? 

 Of course by forever,

I meant until you start choking on the water.

Or you feel like drowning.

Obviously.

Pfft!

Young Leonardo DiCaprio

why is it that,

when you don't know why you are sad,

it gets even sadder?

and then

when you don't know,

you start figuring it out

and then

all of the self-doubts, self-pities, pathetic stories

are all coming at full speed

by then

you already feel the depression lingers,

just around the corner.

sigh

Damn you, Titanic!

p.s. Did you know that Leonardo was 23 years old when he was in that movie?

Here Comes The Sun

Hello!

so today we had our one-day-only exam.

yep, you got that right.

one day only.

and now, hellooooo long vacation!

Heard some rumors that we would be having our graduation in September!

9 fucking long of vacation!

MUAHAHAHAHA!

Here's a picture of our happy faces:

ok anywaaaay,

so right now i got nothing to do.

 I promised to continue my Breaking Bad

but promises, promises.

And here I am writing this while browsing through Yuna's tumblr.

Eugh!

It's not enough that she is talented, has a REALLY good voice, has good sense of fashion, has some good life now, 

I can't believe she is SO GOOD in photography too!

I wonder what it's like to be Yuna right now?

Fifty Shades of...

what's the best thing about being a grown up?

no one stops you from knowing things.

so yeah, 

i've read all the three trilogy of Fifty Shades (shocks!)

please, keep an open mind.

the books were fine!

the only awful part is that the author keeps on using the same words.

over and over again.

other than that,

it's fine, i guess.

the light moments potrayed were funny and

i especially liked the conversations the characters were having via emails.

  

i mean,

i might even have a slightest crush on Christian Grey.

Despite, "the fifty shades of fuckedupness"

Déjà vu

[Frank Ocean - Bad Religion]

 

After reading the two characters in a book

 (well, actually its 3 books) 

and their journey 

and in the end, both ended up happy, 

i feel happy too. 

 Oh, the beautiful thing in reading!

Sometimes i even caught myself grinning to myself.

And then at one time, i even felt anxious.

All of those i can find in reading books.

Only the the thing is,

Life isn't a book narrated by author.

But nevermind, i let myself have this joy for a while.

Tough Love

I guess it's asking too much

Will it hurt to just simply ask?

I mean, it would've been NICE to ask yknow. YKNOW!

So ok, I may not always be available but at least have the fucking courtesy to ask! 
At least I feel better or maybe later have a little bit of guilty for not be able to join!

SIGH!

I guess its kinda tiring to ask me when all of you know what my answer would be.

I guess you guys are jaded. 

I realised that. 

But hey, I guess I also kinda realised that you just give up on me. 
I guess Im not worth fighting for anymore.
Or I never was and never will as it seems.

I guess we are all jaded with everything.

I guess we are all stop fighting




p.s Selamat Hari Raya 2012/1433

high pitched voice in my head

stupid blogger has new facelift and stuff.

but here's a new post :

sitting in that room, i feel suffocated.

the room has no windows and it was like sitting with a bunch of 'teen moms' or '16 and pregnant'

it was like listening to a bunch of mothers comparing their lives, kids and husbands. and all of them are having mid-life crisis.

not menopause. just mid-life crisis.

and the boys are boys but with no standard at all. extremely childish, to make it worse.

and there i was, stuck and not be able to do anything. only to have the voices in my head.

or maybe it's just me and my agoraphobia.






no, im sure its them.

people won't mind

the idea of ranting outrageously to numbers of strangers

makes me happy.

and i find this kinda happiness in twitter

yes.

cause they kinda like reading through their timeline

and come across mine and like

"who cares?"

and for that, i would say

"exactly!"

to point out the point i'm trying to point out

do you know what irony is?

oh before that,

i just wanna point out that the point that i'm trying to make in the previous post has error.

back to my initial point.

something hits me sometime around today.

i just remember how i lost my "passion" in knowing things.

you know, my curiosity isn't so ballistic or wild like it used to.

i remember how i always find it amusing in littlest things.

but now?

it may goes like 'meh' 'huh' 'hmm' 'right' 'ada ku kisah?' and not necessarily in that order.

i remember how i planned that i would take Psychology or Philosophy for my course in Uni,

just because i took Sociology in A Level and pure interest in them.

I even wrote how "im interested of how the mind works"

and that, people, is expectation.

when in reality...

I am now taking course of Information System.

I am an IT student, for heavens sake!

I am now learning of how the computer works.

what's inside them and what not.

that's how irony works.

very funny

i can't say i blame myself.

or the universe, for that matter.

i just wanna point out the point i'm trying to make here is

life works in a mysterious ways