Tangled

When life blind-sided you

And all you could ever say is

"Shit!"

Ugh.

This is so scary!

Because i never really thought this would happen. 

To me. 

And this caught me off guard

That it's fucking pisses me off. 

I need to get it together. 

I need to be one step ahead. 

I need to be in control of things. 

But right now,

It seems like the more i try to make sense of things,

The more confused i get. 

Herrrrgh. 

Milestone

Last weekend was awesome. 

I never thought it would give me some note-to-selfs. 

So here's the thing,

I never hike in my entire life. 

Like ever. 

I would probably laugh when people are offering me to join them.

Aren't they crazy?

Me? Hiking?

Yeah I'll pass. 

But on one Saturday, everything just changed. 

Boy did i walk in for a surprise. 

My friend said we would be going for a short hike at the Anak Krakatoa. 

"Short hike"

My ass!

I was certain I have never ever felt that way when i was going up the volcano. 

So many crazy thoughts on my way up. 

"What are we doing?"

"Where are we going?"

"Is there something up there?"

"Omg. I cant do this"

"Urrgh. I didnt sign up for this!"

"Panass!"

"Oh god. Im gonna kill you Adlina"

So you see, i wasnt even dressed properly for the hike!

I was wearing a maxi dress!

But the thing is, i kept going you guysss. 

Half of the reason was i couldn't actually stop and rest for a while because the ground was too hot. 

(Volcano. Go figure!)

The point here is

That journey i took to hike up the volcano was something. 

I kept saying to myself that i couldnt do it. 

But my feet kept walking and dragging. 

My breath was unsteady. 

My heartbeat was insane. 

I felt like it was trying to get out of my chest!

But I listened to my body. 

Whenever i felt like blacking out,

I stopped and drank water. 

Took few breathes. 

And start again. 

I'm not writing this as some cheesy cliché of "trying to get fit" journey post.

But i just wanna say that i made it!

And because of the satisfaction.

Oh god. 

The satisfaction.

(Sigh of content)

There was something pure about it and just...very raw. 

No wonder people get high on it. 

Thing from bucket list - scratched! :)

Also,

This happened in Jakarta too:

#jakartailoveyou

O

I think we are all dysfunctional. 

In one way or another. 

Just because we rarely show our affections,

It doesn't really mean we don't love each other. 

This is hard because we never really did go separate ways before. 

Didn't we?

Ah rindu. 

I just want you to know that

I am so proud of you. 

So proud that you are the first among us to be the one who are going abroad. 

To chase dreams. 

To grasp opportunities. 

To have unbelievable experiences. 

Be safe always.

Du'as for you all the way. 

xx

 

dark place

there are just so much going now.
i dont know if it's because it's in the middle of the night.
or just something kinda trigger this.


i'm a control freak.
mild, i guess.
but the point is there are a lot of things that slipping through/from me.
it's freaking me out.
so much that
it's making me...



sad.


like
how you think that you are always that one person that they always look up to
but not anymore.
how you think that things would start looking up
but it hasn't.


i can't really think right now.

do you ever feel like you have so many things in your mind?
just one thing after another just pops into your mind.

i kinda have that right now.

there are so so so many things that i even feel amazed with myself how i can even handle it.

---

like do you know how hurt it feels like
when i feel like you'd rather be with someone else than me?
when i feel like you're looking up to another person than me?
when you see that person as the one that you can rely on than me?
when you treat that person as someone special to you than me?
when you feel like your life is brightened by that person than me?


like do you know how it feels like when you know you're being replaced?

---

i guess some things aren't meant to happen to everyone.
just because everyone says it will happen, it doesnt mean it will happen to you.
just because it happened to everyone, it doesnt mean it will happen to you.

to me.

heh,

---

ugh i just dont feel beautiful today/tonight.
and right now i feel guilty for all those days that i did.

i mean, it just feels like kinda...unreal.

so...phony.

like were i just delusional during those days?

hahahaha i'm crazy

---

now
this thought right here comes rarely nowadays.
close to none.
if i allow it.
because i know deep down i should bury it deeper than this self reminder.
but right now i just wanna think, ok.
and i really really really think that i wish that night didn't happen.
i dont even exactly remember how it happened.
i think those shouldn't have happened.
because if it didn't then none of this will happen.

then i would never know you.
then i would just be in a different place right now than here.
then i would never have those...whatever it was when i see you or merely the thought of you.

ugh feelings.

sooo...wasting.

but here i am,
occasionally thinking about it.
about you.
and still feel butterflies about it.
about you.

every.

single.

time.




so pathetic.

sigh.

gonna put this in a box, lock it and bury them again.
deeper than the usual this time.
and also, i always feel like if he gets married,
then all of this will be gone.

for real this time.

like gone gone.
the never see you again kinda gone.
i kinda long for that day to happen.






i think.

ughhhh.

---

dont you just sometimes feel like you dont know what are you going to end up like?
doesnt it scare you?
like if i were someone else, i'd be asking what happened?
and right now, the only answer is

i dont know.

:(

---

fuck it!

imma sleep it off over this whole thing.

Crossroad Demon

I have something that you want.

What everyone wants. 

The simple pleasure that brings satisfaction. 

And happiness. 

Money. 

Yep.

The fucking glory of dollar sign. 

And i just dont know what/how to feel.

I dont know what to do!

 

People just suddenly be nice to me. 

People just suddenly be saying nice things to me. 

People just suddenly be wanna with me.

People just suddenly be having twinkle on their eyes when they look at me. 

Oh!

The things you do when you want something. 

Nothing sweetens the pot by rubbing all that eh?

Sigh. 

I know that "agreeing" to this thing is

Like signing myself to the demon. 

For the whole 6 fucking years ahead!

I also know that

Though it may brings happiness,

This simple pleasure also means hardship and shits. 

Not to mention, SHORT simple pleasure.

Let's be honest here.

Do I want to do all this?

No. 

But did you really give me any choice?

Also no.

(The time when i wanted to stand for myself and stand the ground for my choice just totally totally backfired and crumbled into ashes/dust/pieces. And the only tactics you used were reverse psychology and guilt trips)

It is easier to spend than to save. 

It is easier to satisfy the craving than to hold yourself and be mindful. 

If only they know that

I actually dont have any. 

Dont have it. 

Money is just an illusion. 

The sense of fulfillment it gives,

Also a fucking illusion. 

D O  N O T  F A L L  F O R  I T. 

But how can i save everyone when i cant barely survive?

I don't trust myself. 

Let alone everyone i know.

Let alone you. 

Curve ball

Its been such a long day. 

Just when we are so immersed in the idea of immense happiness,

The Almighty One just decided to throw one curve ball.

To give a little reminder. 

About His promises.  

About death. 

I particularly dont like death. 

Or funeral. 

The emotionals stir in the air are so thick that

You cannot escape from it. 

And now,

No matter how much i try,

To redha with everything,

The loss is just so visible. 

So out there. 

And everyone feels it. 

And yes, everyone grieves differently. 

Memories are all left to serve us.

To honour everything that he had done to us. 

I just hope that no one belittles anyone's memories of him. 

Sharing memories, yes. 

But to belittle somebody else's, just plain no. 

Niyapa,

May you will be placed among those in Jannah. 

And may Allah grants you forgiveness. 

You will always be in our prayers.

And you will be missed greatly. 

Al-fatihah. 

"Will I get married before 30?"

Pre-day

I didnt feel anything at all. 

No anxiety. 

Or excitement. 

Although at one point,

I kinda felt like...sad?

For not having someone to make a big deal out of it.

Pokoknya, sorry for myself.

Pfft. 

But i shoved it all away. 

And then forgot about the whole thing. 

Midnight

Woken up by my phone's constant ring. 

Annoyed by it. 

But when I checked, saw all this balloons and cakes and party hats emojis. 

And i went "oh"

Bahahahaha!

I forgot!

And then i locked and silent it. 

Yep! Cannot trade a good night sleep with mushy messages. 

Before i went back to sleep, i smiled and said

"Happy birthday ka :)"

Sigh.

I admit, I've come so far and learnt many things, yet there are so much more to discover. 

For now, I know I dont need anyone to feel appreciated.  

I can appreciate myself.

*Self hi-five! :)

And to clarify for this post's title,

That was the question i asked to the Book of Answers to which i got:

Finish Something Else First

Now, if only i know what that 'something else' is? Hmm. 

Hello Oddball

I had the weirdest encounter this morning at work.

I was at the parking spot, getting ready to come out, 

But actually taking sweet time to collect things up, 

Listened to one final song on the radio,

When suddenly,

This pilot guy opened my car door and said "Oi!"

And had me "Aarrhh!"
(How could i not be surprised)

Then he just laughed and closed my door again.

And then he walked away.

...

I actually lost for words. 

After a few minutes, I just

"What...the...hell is wrong with that guy?!"

As i watched him turned and out of my sight.

Ok first of all,
I don't know why he did that?
Second, we barely talk.
Like, close to never.
And that just makes this a whole lot weird-er.

R E C K L E S S N E S S

I wish my

"Fuck it! I'm young"

would have

helped me

in reassuring

that it's actually okay

right now.

Bahahahaha!

So right now

it's more like

"Jalanin aja. Udah dipikirin"

Because this is me right now

Feelings.

So

Many

Feelings

Right

Now.

I can't even breathe properly.

Do you ever just have this warm, fuzzy, tingly feelings inside, and then you go mushy

and then it changes

to leave-me-alone-i-have-heartache-and-imma-emo-myself-to-sleep

in one second flat?

One fine Saturday

Create a goal.

Set up means to achieve it.

Those are seem easy to write.

So achieveable.

Yet it would be a lie to not face any struggles.

I learn that the hard way.

I promised myself to buy something.

As a reward.

For all the hard works i've put into.

Because i believe we all deserve something decent in the end.

You finally step out of the tunnel and see and feel the light.

I even put up more reasons to motivate me:

• As graduation gift

• As birthday gift

• As a good-job-well-done-you gift

Now, the struggles.

Hahaha what set me back up was when I went to KL sometime last year.

2 months saving - poof!

So now you know how I've been saving up since last year!

The feeling of 'should've not done that' constantly nagging though.

But meh.

I started again right after that.

More discipline this time.

Mesti. Kuat. Hati.

So on this particular day,

The time had finally came!

And I bought...

My very first, my very own iphone.

Bahahahaha!

This is a big deal to me because

All my life I have never to actually own handphones ok.

Like own, own.

It was always from a family member who got a new phone.

And because i don't mind.

When people were so busy with the latest messaging technology called whatsapp, I was still using windows phone.

When people were so busy with all screentouch smartphones, I was still using qwerty keypad Nokia phone.

(But that one got whatsapp ok)

And on this particular Saturday,

I finally showed myself...

I'm not a loser!

Hahahaha

Because I told myself every end of the month,

If I cant achieve this small thing,

I am officially a loser.

And a loser, I am not.

Now,

If only i can switch this motivation/discipline to shed some weight.

Bahahahah!

xx

How I kicked Mini SRD in the nuts

I am currently watching American Horror Story (Asylum)
Well, it's on pause now because...
I have something to share.
(Obviously)

Today has been fairly productive and fully a good day :)
So remember when i mentioned that i have to go through another assessment,
to secure a permanent position in the company?
Yeaah.
That day is today.

Oh man.
The way they deal with us apprentices,
or things generally is such pain in the ass!

They told me about the assessment just A DAY BEFORE!
Crazy right?
It was like a sniper shooting!
Out of nowhere but on target.
Imagine me, the one who was taking the bullet.
I felt my heart just dropped.
And my stomach felt funny.
I thought I was gonna be sick!

#dramaqueen

Ohh! but then they also have the decency in giving me options.

"If you are not ready then you can come the next one in Mid April"

Talk about reverse psychology huh?
Ugh!
Everything feels like a trick question.

Important Note : if you would like to keep your job, be mindful with how your mouth and mind work.

So I called up my friend,
To tell this absurd news that I have to sit the assessment tomorrow (today)!
To which she replied "Ok. Do it!"
In her mind, the faster I get it over with, the faster I'll get paid monthly.
By then, to which I replied "I don't care about the money now. I care about passing the assessment man!"

And so I resorted to my mom.
But apparently she had the same thought as my friend.
I think people weren't exactly seeing my dilemma here:
I just got shot here with the freaking news and don't they think I should have ample time to oh-i-don't-know, PREPARE?

#overboard

But I DID take the assessment today you guys.
I prepared all night.
Had help from my sister.
Revised and practiced my presentation over and over again.
And my prayers didn't stop from the moment I decided to do it until the moment I got my result.
I think I even prayed in my sleep!

When I was at the assessment centre, preparing my answers and presentation,
I suddenly freaked out because I SAW the woman who had assessed me before.
The one who I called "the bad cop"
Damn.
She was grilling me so hard that I felt so crushed.
Talk about a bad memory. *shudders

Thankfully I had a different assessor this time :)
To be honest, I thought I did so-so today with my presentation.
My presentation was about the first project I was given to.
I was actually involved in the Change and Communication team.
So that would be like information and designing and stuff.
But the assessors kept on asking me about how the system works.
I know I should know that but...I actually don't.
I had a crash course on it, just enough information to structure the website and all.

So at one point, I actually felt like giving up.
"Oh god. Not again. I dont make it"
I thought I wasn't good enough to impress them.
It was an awful feeling yknow.
And I swear I had flashes of people that I would disappoint if I fail :(

Then towards the end, I just decided to give it all out.
Just speak out what I had in my mind.
And because of that, I think, made it all right.
It was starting to look good.

When the Q & A ended,
here's what happened:

Assessor: Do you have any question?
Me: Do I pass? (at a point of not caring anymore)
Assessor: Ok, let me tell you this. Today is Friday and that would mean people wont do or cause any harm to other people. So whether you will pass or not is all up to Allah's decision.
Me: Well yeah, but you make the choice. (I'm crazy, right?)
Assessor: Yeah, that's true. But it's up to Allah. Do you think you'll pass?
Me: Oh I hope I do. I pray to Allah that I can get through! (Yep, I'm crazy)

So we have come to the real point for this long post;
I  G O T  T H R O U G H !

I passed the Mini SRD :)

And believe it or not, that to me hasn't even sunk yet.

What I can tell you is :

If you fail today, there's always tomorrow and if God permits, you'll still be around. Take it easy.
— redza minhat (@rdzaminhat) January 15, 2014

That tweet came up on my timeline, in time of my need in support and comfort.
It was after the heartbreak news, when I didn't get through that first time. Heh.

Also, pushing out your boundaries/comfort zone, sometimes help you get the job done.
In this case, it helped me got through with the assessment.

xx

P.S. I Love You

I didn't even remember the first time we met.

Only bits and pieces.

Seeing you the first time with that hair of yours. *chuckles

And then from there, you just stormed your way in.

And change everything.

Literally.

So thank you...

For the effort you've made

For taking good care of us

For every meals you've cooked

For every lessons you've taught us

For every pep talks

For getting through us with care

For every advices that you've given

For your patience throughout the whole 15 years

For changing us from a brat to a good decent person

For being funny

For the littlest things you've done

For showing us about compassion, sabar and rezeki are all from Allah

For praying so we could be blessed by Allah

For putting up with us

For showing us the real perseverance after all the ups and downs you've gone through

For keeping it together for us during worst times

.

.

.

Honestly there are a lot of things that you've done for us that a simple thank you is never enough to make up for it.

You're like a mother to us.

And that is why this parting is so so hard.

Even the thought of you not living with us anymore breaks my heart <\3

(When actually you were so excited to fly back home that you couldn't sleep -___-) 

Thank you for everything.

As much as it breaks our hearts,

What rights do we have in keeping you from going back to your own home and family?

Thank you, bibi Dewi :')

❤

grown up pants and hat

I change my blog's name!

it's a really big decision for me. *choke on tears and katip bibir

scrolling down the archive of this blog is a journey down to (embarrassing) memory lane.

"this is only a photoblog" - 17 year old me

girl, please.

but i guess this right here is my learning process.

and as years gone by, it seems my blog and i have gone into transitions.

bless your kind heart, maturity!

im sorry for you who have to deal with all my talking and shits.

so recently something just hit me.

being a grown up is hard man!

conscience is damn hard.

i guess, the time really has come.

the time to actually grow up and be adult.

ugh.

it's time to take into account of somebody else's feelings before your words, actions and feelings.

recently i was pushed into this responsibility kinda thing.

more like shit just got real thing.

maybe its because now im actually the one who is responsible to take care of family now.

its that kinda phase.

i sometimes wonder whether there is more to life than those general, socially recognised transitions of life.

yknow, the learn and get good grades in school - excel in uni - get a good high paying job - get married - have babies - have midlife crisis - be grandparents - enjoy life with your whole life-savings.

sigh

people would never take me seriously in any way.

and that's fine.

it hurts but its fine.

because i believe they are wrong.

and for that i will always look forward to that day where it finally hit them.

so for this responsibilishits, it actually kinda scary.

you tell this and that, how this is wrong and such, how that is not how you would do it...

and that's the thing!

how can you compare how you would do something with how somebody else is gonna do it?

i don't wanna kill their individuality!

heck, i can have my own "words of wisdom" shove back to my face!

can't you seeeee?

i have so many insecurities here. Damn.

im gonna be a bad mother. CRIESSS

.





.





.





that escalated very fast.

my point in here is i hope i do fine with this.

mind you, im still adjusting to wearing this grown up pants and hat.

x.

Withdrawal Syndrome

Weekends are killing me man.

I just cannot stop thinking about going out on holidays.

Mind you but im on withdrawal syndrome.

We went to KK last weekend.

It was the first after like 8 years or so.

Damn.

We went on road trip.

So most of the time we were all in tourist mode.

I mean, our foreheads most probably looked like a fucking billboard with 'TOURIST' written across it.

But honestly, the trip was still a pain in the ass.

Even with all the renovation to be hassle-free.

Thank god for my pills!

(Quick note: we were all having flu but who cares?)

We went to Sapi Island for some sun and beaches and wind and fish aaaand pigs.

Kidding.

But no seriously though.

There were pigs coming out of nowhere.

The pig and its...babies were eating somebody's kfc.

Having a picnic also lah, oink oink.

Heh.

Note to self:

Whenever you are on holiday and encounter something that you have never done before, DO IT!

Why?

Because why not loh!

Trust me, it will most probably be worth it.

Dude.

We went parasailing and snorkeling.

It was Ahmaazing!

(Except when you accidentally swallowed the sea water. Blekk!)

And snorkeling...it was like looking at an aquarium!

Only now you got to touch the fish!

And the coral reefs!

We also had a crash course on swimming by this guy we just met who I am now still not sure whether he's a lifeguard/tourist guide or just plain stranger.

Or all of the above. (Hahaha!)

But anyway, i am proud to tell i could swim myself onshore that day.

Without life jacket nor snorkel gear.

:8)

You know when you go to Nando's, the workers will greet you enthusiastically?

Yeah that.

We went to Nando's at 1Borneo after pulau.

So we were all curious on what they were actually saying.

And we came up with something like

"Welcome to Nando's!"

"Ibuuuuu"

I know. Ridiculous.

But we were all joining them shouting 'ibu' whenever new customers arrived.

So fun. 

Guess who ended up SO curious to find out?

Me.

Guess who ended up to confront the workers?

NOT me.

Hahahaha i asked my sister to do so.

.

.

.

I dont know what to write anymore.

Thank god for my pills.

Im dozing off now.

x

discipline and determination for 2014

[One Republic - If I Lose Myself]

Remember when I said I want to set up a tradition of writing up something every new year's eve?
Yeah, still no.

Things to be thankful for in 2013:

• little bundle of joys was born on 30th March :)

• received 3 months worth of allowance from ITB, supposedly for graduation. The cause which made me broke down and bawled my eyes out.

• got a job offer as an apprentice in Anduki after 5 months of being an unpaid driver which had made me an anti-social and official kermit and after went through several interviews, depression and emotional breakdown episodes.

• what the fuck did i buy for my very first paycheck?

• finally found closure on something that had been going on at least 4 years. It's all in my head after all.

• lesson learnt: DO NOT GET HUNG UP ON THINGS/PEOPLE!

• bumped into another wall when i didn't pass the assessment (Mini SRD) Actually, i only needed 0.5 to pass it. (I KNOW!)

• after some (more) emotional breakdown, i finally let go and accept things. Weeks later, after some confusing emails and several assumptions later, I apparently am given another/second "chance" So yeah, another assessment to kill and score.

• understand that as you go further, you'll meet some people who are worth your time and some worth your fist. It's so much like high school, only now you cannot act so juvenile.

• went to KL for the very first time! With best friend to visit another best friends. Because doing things on impulse is exhilarating. and fun.

• I WAS ACTUALLY SCRATCHING SOME THINGS OFF OF MY BUCKET LIST!

• "Fuck it! I'm young!" (as bold as this may sound, it actually helps. use and apply to any other (appropriate) circumstances)

• realised some of my school mates are now either married/engaged/have kids. And here i am and be like "I'm perfectly happy where I am now"

• also, i already asked my mom to be a matchmaker. I literally hand over the job to "search good-guy-good-husband material for me" to my mom. hahahahahaha but seriously.

I think that's pretty much it.

or maybe i'm just so malas to think now.

mind you, it's now almost 4:00 AM.

so for this new year of 2014,

i am looking forward to what i can do/achieve more.

also lastly,

for every questions i have now

that cannot be answered by logics or common sense 

are now only come to one answer.

I just have to focus and discipline myself more towards that.

bye for now :)

x