dark place

there are just so much going now.
i dont know if it's because it's in the middle of the night.
or just something kinda trigger this.


i'm a control freak.
mild, i guess.
but the point is there are a lot of things that slipping through/from me.
it's freaking me out.
so much that
it's making me...



sad.


like
how you think that you are always that one person that they always look up to
but not anymore.
how you think that things would start looking up
but it hasn't.


i can't really think right now.

do you ever feel like you have so many things in your mind?
just one thing after another just pops into your mind.

i kinda have that right now.

there are so so so many things that i even feel amazed with myself how i can even handle it.

---

like do you know how hurt it feels like
when i feel like you'd rather be with someone else than me?
when i feel like you're looking up to another person than me?
when you see that person as the one that you can rely on than me?
when you treat that person as someone special to you than me?
when you feel like your life is brightened by that person than me?


like do you know how it feels like when you know you're being replaced?

---

i guess some things aren't meant to happen to everyone.
just because everyone says it will happen, it doesnt mean it will happen to you.
just because it happened to everyone, it doesnt mean it will happen to you.

to me.

heh,

---

ugh i just dont feel beautiful today/tonight.
and right now i feel guilty for all those days that i did.

i mean, it just feels like kinda...unreal.

so...phony.

like were i just delusional during those days?

hahahaha i'm crazy

---

now
this thought right here comes rarely nowadays.
close to none.
if i allow it.
because i know deep down i should bury it deeper than this self reminder.
but right now i just wanna think, ok.
and i really really really think that i wish that night didn't happen.
i dont even exactly remember how it happened.
i think those shouldn't have happened.
because if it didn't then none of this will happen.

then i would never know you.
then i would just be in a different place right now than here.
then i would never have those...whatever it was when i see you or merely the thought of you.

ugh feelings.

sooo...wasting.

but here i am,
occasionally thinking about it.
about you.
and still feel butterflies about it.
about you.

every.

single.

time.




so pathetic.

sigh.

gonna put this in a box, lock it and bury them again.
deeper than the usual this time.
and also, i always feel like if he gets married,
then all of this will be gone.

for real this time.

like gone gone.
the never see you again kinda gone.
i kinda long for that day to happen.






i think.

ughhhh.

---

dont you just sometimes feel like you dont know what are you going to end up like?
doesnt it scare you?
like if i were someone else, i'd be asking what happened?
and right now, the only answer is

i dont know.

:(

---

fuck it!

imma sleep it off over this whole thing.