#eleksha

i never really thought this day would really come.
i mean i have imagined it.
imagined what i would say.
imagined how i would say it.

but all these times, i thought it would never come.

no matter how much i have thought about it.
half of the time i kinda believed they wont come.
because let's face it, that's just how everything works anyway.

but lo and behold,
today that day has come.

i actually saw that brengsek again.

and ironically at the same place where it all fucking began.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha ah aH..

thankfully i had Adlina with me.

we were sitting for half a day course.

and it's so funny.
like i knew we were going to be in that place
but prior to this day i never really felt any anxiety.
unlike before.
because i was so sure that he won't be there.

like what are the odds?
pfft.

but unfortunately
Adlina didn't remember how he looks like
that we ended up sitting
exactly next to his table and his group of friends
during morning coffee break.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha

but the point for this post is
to remind you,
yes - future me,
regardless how you ended up here - twitter/timehop/blog reading,
that you are fine.

Throughout what had happened today,
you were okay.
freaked out a little
(well a lot but only for a little while but that's understandable and forgiven)
but eventually you are A-okay.

So okay, maybe all thanks to Eqah.
i called her straightaway out of my panic attack
the minute that i believed i wasn't seeing things.
that that stupid guy who was looking at us
in all smug and smiling face was really him.
she kinda cooled my anxiety down
and told me to just toughen up hahah.

#bestadviceever #peptalk

What i have also realised is -

nothing.

Everything = nothing.
i felt nothing at all.

okay lah

still a little mad and i threw some curses at him too
but yknow whatever.

BUT THE THING IS
i think everything just kinda make sense now.
these things happened because maybe
Allah wants to show me that
there are people like him
and you don't wanna end up with him.

i know that sounds kinda mean.
but what i'm trying to say is
there are guys like him that will throw
sweet nothings at you
and have like zero sense
and act like a douche
and are mostly stupid

but will act they are cool

they will act as if they are noble

and doing things just because the other guys are doing it too.

because that's just how guys are.

stupid and disappointing.

and i don't want that for me.
like nauzubillah.

and because i deserve better.

and maybe things happened because
it is one of the contributing factor that
can make me return to Him.

(this is so cliche and typical it hurts. i am that girl that i always read in fb that i loathe)

but i honestly can't be grateful enough for this.

like i know things are like bad
during that time or
maybe on someone else's perspective
but i am actually glad now.

Allah still loves me that He helped me dodged that bullet :')

like imagine the horror if i actually be with him?
*shudders sheesh nauzubillah jauhpalisss

i mean who else would know me better than i am?
right?

sigh
thanks Allah, You're the best.

وَلاَ تَكِلْنِيْ اِلىَ نَفْسِيْ طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

Dan janganlah Engkau serahkan aku kepada diriku sendiri walau sekelip mata

so i will not be regretful
for whatever had happened.
that includes all the episodes i had.
the manic, depressed and crazy ones.
not to mention the events prior to all of this
and events which i called the aftermath.

because eventually everything just lead right up to

where i am now.

hashtag blessed y'alls

Day 1 of Instagram-cleansing

Hahahaha obnoxious jua title nya.

But yeah. 

Day 1 of not checking instagram. 

Funny story. 

My sister challenged me not to check ig for a month.

Actually I brought this one on myself. Where i got annoyed that i just decided not to check ig for a month. 

I meant it as a joke. 

BUT MY SISTER retorted and said as if I could do just that.

That girl. 

I swear if she's actually here right now, I'd probably choke her to death.

So one thing lead to another and here we are. 

This is to prove that I actually can do just that. *blows nail

But i think im having withdrawal already. 

Hahahhhahaah

Day 1 jua banar. 

But seriously though. 

I felt lost for a while. 

Maybe because it's part of my daily routine. 

Not doing it feels...weird. 

And empty.

Hahahahaha

Tapi come on.

I just lost one source of entertainment. 

IG explore is actually where I usually find all those crazy funny posts, memes and videos. 

Rindu ku. 

But from that same source as well 

IS actually the reason why this all has started. 

Ugh. 

My IG Explore is currently contaminated with non stop annoying faces from that malaysian drama. 

Pfft. 

People surrounding me talk about it all the time. 

Pfft. 

Even I TALK ABOUT IT AS WELL WHICH APPARENTLY OUT OF ANNOYANCE AND IT'S GETTING HARD TO KEEP MY EMOTION AND COOL IN CHECK BUT IMMA COOL DOWN.

SUPER PFFT! 

Sheesh. 

It has caused lot of damage to me self. 

Rusak hati me. 

Yknow, i got so annoyed by it that I actually threw my phone away.

On several different occasions and places. 

That's how frustrated i was/am at it/him/her. 

Annoying berabisss. 

I don't even know why I don't like it/him/her. 

Inexplicable. 

Or mungkin pasal aku hater hahahaha. 

Which is also WHYYYYY IM DOING THIS. 

To cleanse my heart. 

Jaga hati. 

Because in the end, it's for me. 

Plus it's tiring to feel angry all the time. 

And kinda stupid for getting angry at something that's completely and utterly pointless. 

Lol. 

So #eleksha. 

And now, 29 days to go haha. 

Sigh.

p.s. The drama has something to do with pilot and famous hijan seller. Whatever.

you are just a bad idea.

having and keeping feelings for you

are the worst.