train stop

ok for starter,
this isn't related from the previous post.

but yooo,
the feeling of doing what you actually want to do,
what your heart really wants to do
is so so liberating!

and somehow even though doing it
might not exactly how you actually pictured it,
the main point is,
you're doing it.

for this case though,
i'm not sure of what i'm feeling.
maybe i haven't thought this through.

or maybe i just don't exactly know
what i'm expecting from doing this.
what i'm expecting from him for doing this.

so yeah,
haven't actually thought this through.

sheesh.
everything about this one person is just...
i don't know.
i can't figure it out.
at best, i most probably ignore it.
ignore him.

you know, the usual.
ignoring my problem until it goes away by itself.
hahahahaha

so yeah,
i'm just gonna pretend this never happened.

Message Seen

sorry for the last couple (angry) posts.
never intended to be so...spiteful.
that was just pure raw emotions and
just letting it all out.

because i really needed to.

hoping for more better stories next time!

hoping for more "heart confettis" posts.

like this one here.

although,
it's kinda leaning towards to "my hati is like pacah"
but also "head in the cloud"

damn.

oh nothing new you guyss,
just seasonal crush hahahaha.
but maaaaann, this one is so hard though.
(or this too also seasonal?)

(or am i just too delusional to even talk about this?)

i like it this time.
because i said it straight up.
and i'm actually proud of it.
freaked out a little bit in the beginning.
but then i was just like "eh fuck it"

i mean,
come on you guyss.
it's just feeling.
and i want it to be known.
i just want you to know.
you don't really have to reciprocate to it.
or have a reaction about it.
just, well, i just want you to know about it.

because if you know then that's enough for me.
like really!
it's a comforting thought that i know that you know it.
and then you just do whatever you wanna do with that.

it really isn't that hard, right?
























now if only you read that message i left though...

zen interrupted

Forewarning: profanity

just when you started to feel in peace again,
just when you started to feel "ok, frrressh start",
just when you started to feel everything's gonna be fine,

and shit decided to throw it's first punch.

HERRRRRGGGHHHH!

i had that part of my life buried so deep that
i had amnesia when trying to recall it back
even though there are constant reminder but
i just decided to feel indifferent to it
like "fuck yeah im alright"

but the thing is,
life lovesss to pull out jokes.
life itself is a fucking joke.

like fucking seriously though?

what the fuck?
came out of nowhere and texted me "hi"
*rolls my eyes so hard i might need surgery to fix it right

i mean, fuck you.
it freaked the fucking hell out of me.
disturbed my fucking zen and
just fucking gotta be an additional pain to what i was currently feeling.
ergh!

i admit, i had a minor panic attack.
my hands were shaking and
my mind was in shambles and distorted.

it was as if my past trying to haunt me back,
after all the burial i have made.

fuck you for blindsiding me.
you should have stayed gone.
because i said bye for real.
and it was meant to see you never!
good fucking riddance.

fuck you for showing up and then what?
expect things from me?
the fuck!

and shit,
why were you fucking running around in circles?
fucking turning tables on me.

like you don't even have the fucking balls
to fucking say whatever you wanted to tell me.
without playing games.
fucking say it to my face, asshole.

like i had to give up waiting
for you to give me answers.
i mean, i would probably go crazy!
trying to level down with your stupidity.

you really are the most stupidest person
i have ever met.
E V E R !

what the actual fuck do you want?
that i would be "concerned" to
whatever you were saying?
to the "truth"?
to the current "state" you are in?

oh and not to forget that you
"honestly i miss u"
*vomits a fucking ocean

like ok...

first of all fucker,
don't get yourself fucking deluded.
we weren't exactly "a thing"
nothing serious was going on.

second of all,
do guys still expect girls to waver at sweet nothings?

that shit was such centuries ago.

fucking act like your age.
maybe there is your side of the whole fucking story.
and maybe you have your own reasons
for every stupid things that you have done.
but honestly though,
i don't care.
i just, don't fucking care.
i don't want to get myself involved anymore fuckeries.
especially from you.

like i'm telling you straight up here.
no reading between the lines.

stay gone, asshole.

It's Not That Deep

stop trying to find the "deeper meaning" in everything.
sometimes there aren't any.

stop doing
"what does this/that mean?"
"it must have been something"
"it must have mean something"

sometimes
things are far simple than you imagine
and it's okay



it's okay
that they don't have meaning

or logical reason behind it

sometimes
things just happen.

this will help greatly in your "goal" this year
which you forgot to mention in previous post btw, which is;

Do Not Complicate Things

Hold Your Heart

ok i'm trying to do this as fast as i can
because let's face it,
tomorrow is the day everyone getting back to reality.
time to keep our nose to the grindstone!

so far though
i don't really know what to write here.
but i got to.
need to keep that tradition alive!
hahahaha

ok time to reflect and improve.

--

i have decided what's the best thing happened to me in 2015.
i have been racking my brain, trying to remember on what.
and every single time i have come to the same thing.
so, the best thing ever happened in 2015 was

#HUJAN10TAHUN

hahahahaha

but really though

it was the best feeling i have ever felt.
the best content feeling i have ever felt.
the best enjoyable time i have ever experienced.
the worst withdrawal i have ever felt.

i still occasionally think about it
and actually miss it

*wails

i couldn't even take a proper or decent
or instagram worthy picture of that night
because it was that good.

i didn't have the time to take a perfect picture to sum it.
i just kinda let it soaked in me.
embraced all the feelingsss maaan.

god! i miss it

--

try to change myself for the better.
be more a pious muslim.
insyaAllah

i hope i can do this.
effort is all that matters.
insyaAllah.

kinda nervous for declaring this.
but at the same time, i think it's good for me.
insyaAllah.

stay istiqamah.
trying to seek seeking redha from the Almighty.

--

boys aren't really worth it.
i realised that.
after what happened
*rolls eyes so hard i might go blind

but seriously you guys.

they are not worth it.
they are not worth your time.
they are not worth your effort.
they are not worth the space in your mind.
let alone your heart!

so do yourself some favour,
do not lose yourself over someone else
who doesn't even know what to do with you.

get a grip!!

--

another goal for this year is
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY!

like really fucking serious now.
must be from now.
or else, fucking die maaan.

really really really really need to save money.
suffer a little while this year.
promise it'll be worth it.

and please know, that money will be used
for your next year UK trip ok.

so hold on!

--

i'm sorry for this short post.
but i think i hit a wall now.
i seriously don't know/have anything to write now.

but write soon!

May this year brings more kindness and good things to everyone.
More success stories!

xx