ruin everything

can't even say something

without being told that

i can't get over "you".

can't even say something

without being questioned whether

it has anything to do with "you".

can't even do shit

because i apparently "still haven't moved on yet"

can anyone please give me some credit?

*rolls my eyes so hard and comes back with a middle finger

zen interrupted

Forewarning: profanity

just when you started to feel in peace again,
just when you started to feel "ok, frrressh start",
just when you started to feel everything's gonna be fine,

and shit decided to throw it's first punch.

HERRRRRGGGHHHH!

i had that part of my life buried so deep that
i had amnesia when trying to recall it back
even though there are constant reminder but
i just decided to feel indifferent to it
like "fuck yeah im alright"

but the thing is,
life lovesss to pull out jokes.
life itself is a fucking joke.

like fucking seriously though?

what the fuck?
came out of nowhere and texted me "hi"
*rolls my eyes so hard i might need surgery to fix it right

i mean, fuck you.
it freaked the fucking hell out of me.
disturbed my fucking zen and
just fucking gotta be an additional pain to what i was currently feeling.
ergh!

i admit, i had a minor panic attack.
my hands were shaking and
my mind was in shambles and distorted.

it was as if my past trying to haunt me back,
after all the burial i have made.

fuck you for blindsiding me.
you should have stayed gone.
because i said bye for real.
and it was meant to see you never!
good fucking riddance.

fuck you for showing up and then what?
expect things from me?
the fuck!

and shit,
why were you fucking running around in circles?
fucking turning tables on me.

like you don't even have the fucking balls
to fucking say whatever you wanted to tell me.
without playing games.
fucking say it to my face, asshole.

like i had to give up waiting
for you to give me answers.
i mean, i would probably go crazy!
trying to level down with your stupidity.

you really are the most stupidest person
i have ever met.
E V E R !

what the actual fuck do you want?
that i would be "concerned" to
whatever you were saying?
to the "truth"?
to the current "state" you are in?

oh and not to forget that you
"honestly i miss u"
*vomits a fucking ocean

like ok...

first of all fucker,
don't get yourself fucking deluded.
we weren't exactly "a thing"
nothing serious was going on.

second of all,
do guys still expect girls to waver at sweet nothings?

that shit was such centuries ago.

fucking act like your age.
maybe there is your side of the whole fucking story.
and maybe you have your own reasons
for every stupid things that you have done.
but honestly though,
i don't care.
i just, don't fucking care.
i don't want to get myself involved anymore fuckeries.
especially from you.

like i'm telling you straight up here.
no reading between the lines.

stay gone, asshole.

lost soul

something just hit me.

a sudden thought i had while i was driving back home.

and i'm not sure where is this going though.

or if i actually want to lay it out here.

i know i will probably not gonna remember what the hell i'm talking about in years to come when reading this back.

--

i'm just feeling down lately.

everything just feels like monotonous.

and everything is so tiring.

and i'm tired.

tired of thinking.

tired of feeling confused.

as much as i don't wanna think about it,

as much as i hate thinking about it,

i do still occasionally  think about it.

and it's tiring me.

i no longer have any strength to stop it.

like, fuck it! come at it.

come as you are. as a whole.

--

didn't i tell the one thing i hate the most about this fucking thing we have?

it's the mindfucking.

You know what,

Fuck you. 

A Close Call

Thank you Your Greatness, The Almighty!

Thank you for letting yesterday happened. 

Thank you for giving me the answer I've been looking for. 

Thank you for giving me the reason. 

Thank you for the reality slap.

Thank you for showing things to me. 

Thank you. 

.

.

.

I was never really mad. 

Funnily enough, I actually felt relieved!

Happy even. 

It was like a weight lifted off of me. 

Sigh. 

Can't be thankful enough for this. 

Although, maybe,

I gotta admit,

There was some part of me 

Got mad at it. 

Like really pissed off.

But I was just too dumbfounded that

I could not decide whether to be mad

At you or

At the whole thing or

Just at your plain stupidity. 

And I resorted to just...laughing at it.

Laughing because I'm actually in this situation. 

Laughing because all of this is just too funny hahahaha. 

But slowly I understand why I got mad. 

Mad for he didn't exactly tell the truth. 

See there?

I wasn't saying he was lying. 

He just didn't tell the whole truth. 

(Because he's an idiot like that)

And I'm not trying to 

Validate for what he did

But I appreciate his honesty.

Even though it came too late. 

But it's okay, because for me

All of this can be considered as a close call. 

And I'm really really really thankful for that. 

Phew!

Glad you dodged that bullet!

And I'm really proud of myself for doing the right thaang. 

Above all that,

Thank you for thissss!

(I'm not being sarcastic or whatever. Like really)

I'm really glad you proved 

My view on this thing is right. 

*content sigh*

Lastly,

Goodbye and see you never you sorry, ugly, lame-assed fucking excuse for existence! :)

Upgrade You

What is it with the thrill of the chase?

Is it a way to show how determine you are?

Is it a way to proof that you can conquer all?

Is it a way to make you feel worth it?

Is the mind fucking really all what it's all about?

Because settling down means all sparks are gone. 

Kan?

Is it all just a fucking game?

I don't get it. 

If it does, I'm not really interested in playing one.

Leave before you get left

Fuck you. 

I deserve someone so much better. 

Don't ever lower your standard just to compensate someone else's.

They are the one who should upgrade themselves to meet yours. 

Capiche?

Give me a fuxking break

If you're tired of speaking,

Then stop.

If you have enough,

Then stop. 

If you're tired,

Then stop. 

If you're jaded,

Then stop. 

All you have to do is stop. 

Fucking stop.

You don't fucking have to do anything. 

Just stop. 

Your hatred only gonna do so much more damage than you let on. 

Tangled

When life blind-sided you

And all you could ever say is

"Shit!"

Ugh.

This is so scary!

Because i never really thought this would happen. 

To me. 

And this caught me off guard

That it's fucking pisses me off. 

I need to get it together. 

I need to be one step ahead. 

I need to be in control of things. 

But right now,

It seems like the more i try to make sense of things,

The more confused i get. 

Herrrrgh. 

Crossroad Demon

I have something that you want.

What everyone wants. 

The simple pleasure that brings satisfaction. 

And happiness. 

Money. 

Yep.

The fucking glory of dollar sign. 

And i just dont know what/how to feel.

I dont know what to do!

 

People just suddenly be nice to me. 

People just suddenly be saying nice things to me. 

People just suddenly be wanna with me.

People just suddenly be having twinkle on their eyes when they look at me. 

Oh!

The things you do when you want something. 

Nothing sweetens the pot by rubbing all that eh?

Sigh. 

I know that "agreeing" to this thing is

Like signing myself to the demon. 

For the whole 6 fucking years ahead!

I also know that

Though it may brings happiness,

This simple pleasure also means hardship and shits. 

Not to mention, SHORT simple pleasure.

Let's be honest here.

Do I want to do all this?

No. 

But did you really give me any choice?

Also no.

(The time when i wanted to stand for myself and stand the ground for my choice just totally totally backfired and crumbled into ashes/dust/pieces. And the only tactics you used were reverse psychology and guilt trips)

It is easier to spend than to save. 

It is easier to satisfy the craving than to hold yourself and be mindful. 

If only they know that

I actually dont have any. 

Dont have it. 

Money is just an illusion. 

The sense of fulfillment it gives,

Also a fucking illusion. 

D O  N O T  F A L L  F O R  I T. 

But how can i save everyone when i cant barely survive?

I don't trust myself. 

Let alone everyone i know.

Let alone you. 

A cold heartless bitch

I'm sorry i can't really hide what i feel.
I'm sorry i can't really hide how my facial expressions reflect my feelings.

I'm sorry I've been giving you cold stare.
I'm sorry how i not acknowledge you when you are around.
I'm sorry i make it awkward.
I'm sorry for all the bad feelings you may have that I've caused.
I'm sorry for everything.

This is just me trying to do good.
I think.
I guess, i reached that part where i can't take it anymore.
I snapped.

I don't hate you.
I don't.
I just hate it that you seem to take everything away from me.
I hate that you seem to be everyone's favourite.
I hate that you seem much more important to everyone.
I hate that you seem to take my role.

Don't you get it now?
You're fucking replacing me.
And I know that you didn't mean it.
I know how that's not really what you are doing.
But I just can't help but feel that you are.

I mean, doesn't it bother you if you are being replaced by somebody else?
Doesn't it break your heart?
Doesn't it make you feel like inadequate?

Or maybe its just me.
I just can't seem to open up to things.
To people.
I can't seem to trust anyone.
To become part of something that I'm protective about.

So for now, I hope you understand why I do the things I do to you.
I don't really like you right now.
And to avoid me from snapping and hurt you and everyone else,
I rather to stay away from you.
Can't you see it?
This is my effort in taking everyone's feelings into account.
Please understand.
This may seem heartless and stupid and childish or any fucking thing that you can think of.
Because it does.
But this is the only way I know how.

So please understand.

Justifikasikan benda yang remeh

Forewarning: profanity.

So recently i got asked the same questions by a lot of people.
Considering the fact now that i've already got a job.
"Job"

And it's all the usual drill.

"Keraja kau sudah?"
"Mana kau keraja?"
"Ah? Di mana tu?"
"Eh bisai tu eh di sana!"
"Berapa tah kau kana bayar?"
"Baik sudah tu. $400 dalam seminggu. Siapa membagi?"
"Apa keraja mu tu di sana atu?"

Now.
That last part.
That's when thing gets interesting.

So when i answered them;

"umm...arah admin nya."

Most of the time,
They would try to hide their taken back face. (Notice the word 'try')
Some would just nodding their heads.
Some would look confuse.
But they will always end up asking the same thing:

"So kira macam...kerani/secretary kah?"

I dont know why,
But thats when i start to feel like...I dont know.
Mcm pissed off jua.
They said that like its a bad thing yknow.
Like most of the time i want to say back to them;

"What the fuck do you know about administrating?"

So I got defensive and start explaining MORE about my works.

Trying to justify that my work does mean something.

Yknow, see the fucking big picture.

Just because im not wearing some big ass orange coverall and not in operation or whatever,
it doesnt mean my work isnt as fucking important or significant as the rest.

Kan?

But then i remembered my conversation with my mom.
And so i stop trying and remember instead what ive said about "trying to be the same as others"

So you see,
Why would i even bother?
Why would i even care?
Because i dont.
I dont have to compete with anybody else.
I work and i earn my fucking money from that.
Nothing else matters.

Not even society's higher fucking status.

Introversion

I wish i am loaded so i can go Euro trip right now.

I don't want to think about what will i do next.

I don't want to think where will i go after this.

I just want to wander around the world and maybe do some soul-searching.

Sometimes i feel like i need to do all that. 
Maybe some people would answer like why can't i do all that in here, in Brunei?

Because i just have to, for once, get out of here. 

I just want to get out of here.

I know i sometimes complained how i don't like to be surrounded in public places full with strangers. 

How it makes me feel claustrophobic. 

Or "claustrophobic" how you would rather say it.

But i think for me, being out there, out of here, i wont yknow, feel all that. 
Because being here, the strangers are all known. 
What i meant is that the thought of how this people know that people.
It's suffocating. 

I just want to travel.

Maybe then i know what i really want to do.

Why can't i just figure it all out earlier?
What's my goal? 
What do i want in life?

I haven't got a clue.

And that for me is scary and at the same time exhilarating.

We here are all so caught up to be the best. 
I guess, its true that our parents just want the best for us. 
But i sometimes can't help but think, what if i don't want all that? 
What if all that aren't whats best for me even if it sounds right, generally, usually?

But i guess, the prospect of wandering around aimlessly isn't that great compared to being tight down to a steady job after your graduation.

I mean hey, we all want stability in life for the future after all.

SIGH

I don't know. 
Maybe i'm just scared to take the new step. 
What if it will end bad? 
What if it doesn't work well? 

Should i continue my studies? Or should i enter the working world? 

Because there will always be a lingering thought of 'Am I really ready for this?' or 'Am I really good at this?' at the back of my mind.

And whats more of a uhh...stressful/supporting forces is that, everyone is asking me what do i do next?

Everyfuckingone

'Ke mana kau lapas ani?'

'Eh ada keraja kosong ni bla bla bla'

'Update your CV and hantar'

'Sudah kau hantar?'

'Sudah kau update?'

'Cuba jangan betabiat'

Ugh!
There are times I just wanna say :
'WOAH!  HOLD THE FUCK OUT! I ONLY STARTED MY VACATION LIKE WEEKS AGO! CAN'T I JUST HAVE SOME FREE TIME FIRST?'

And yes, i wanna shout all of that.

I know i should be thankful for all the supports cause not everyone have it like i do. 
I know, i know all that.
I do.

And for that reason also, i didnt say all that up above.

I don't know.

Maybe all of this just comes down because i'm confused.

Or maybe I've done way too many thinking and went deep here.

I don't know.

Count your blessings

The problem with people, they judge.

The problem with people, they assume.

The problem with people, they talk behind one's back.

The problem with people, they provoke.

The problem with people, they feel victimised.

The problem with people, they feel superior than the other.

The problem with all of these, I might be wrong.

In the end, all I know, the problem with all of us,
We are all fools.

you trigger the stalker in me

sorry for the last angry post

i never intend to make this to be a habit

i never intend to be so hateful

hate is a baggage

i should calm down.

but that was on impulse.

down right angry and letting it out.

so, the attachment time is getting to its end.

one month only. hoooyeaaahh!

one time, i get so excited cause i cant wait for holiday.

the other time, i feel like im gonna miss my attachment place and the people.

oh well.

lately,

i have so many scenes inside my head that i have to write it all down.

like they all keep repeating in my head that i just have to.

write it down, i mean.

whats the point in doing that?

i really dont know but at least my mind is finally shutting up.

unfortunately, for a while.

oh well.

now,

i have nothing else to say.

i do but it seems pointless.

oh well.

Celaka lah you!

I never get it why people would treat me like dirt
Sure, I don't care at all but who are we kidding right?
IT HURTS LIKE "BAIE KALI KAU ANI!"
You know what I mean?

I know karma and paying back and all that sorts
But to humiliate me as an addition?
That is just taking it to a whole new level!
That shit makes me wanna think twice why did I ever end up with an asshole like you.

So okay, I've dealt with lots of your sick jokes.
And you probably answered me like 'mcm inda biasa saja kau ani'
But that act you pulled, that's just like a turning point.
A...uhh, slap in the face!

Sigh

Maybe I sound childish but fuck you!
No one have the right to treat me like that.
Let alone you, to have the privilege to be the first!

Oh god, I hate you.
And you know what, I think I've always been.
You have unresolved issues and just go cry to your mommy!
With this look upon your face:



Yeah, retarded face!
Even a 5 year old can pull that one.
Maybe you can do it much excellently.
Because you know, only YOU can do things way better than anyone else.


Go die lah you!

you know what, NEVERMIND