On The Edge

a lot of things have happened since the last post below.
the main highlights that i got on top of my head right now are:

1. My month long leave for UK Vacay
2. My best friend got married

i have been meaning to write the post as they happened

but i just cant get myself to do them.

even more so now that i handle "new work scope"

i'm still doing IT in my department

but as Bapak A wrote up in his email to the LTs  (which making it all official):

i'll be doing 70% of the new work and 30% on IT

and i have been doing this "new job" ever since i got back from my leave.

like, exactly after two days coming into work.

quite big surprise smack into my face after the long "rest"

but im not really complaining though

for me this is "good stress"

i love that i am actually doing something.

i love the feeling that i'm contributing to the big picture.

i love the feeling that i'm needed.

k cukup.

--

sheesh i'm all over the place right now.

i have so many things to write up.

i need the structure!

lol as if i have been doing that in all of my post.

but really there are so many things in my head now.

but guys

i already know where this post is going.

i just need to do it so i can clear my head from it.

and i hate that i have to write it up in here.

because the main laying reason is from the same person.

ugh

like why do i give this much privilege to this useless person?

as if i haven't been moving on *rolls eyes

and everytime i need to clear things up

it just seems like im being defensive

which eventually leading up the assumption that i havent been moving on.

*rolls eyes even harder

i mean

my life is sailing on just nice yknow.

not until he came up.

again.

i know if i have moved on, i shouldn't feel bothered by it.

I KNOW.

but this is my safe space.

so i wanna talk about it.

so you see

i should feel happy.

ecstatic even.

because HE came to ME.

even from Lukman's POV, i won.

but im not gonna dwell on that.

because it's petty and childish.

just like the way he tried to slide into my life again.

hahaha but really though.

it was so funny and a little annoying too.

like, you can't tell me this isn't annoying?

SERIOUSLYYYYY

A.

FUCKING.

DOT.

after a year and a half.

annoying?

yes.

fucking hilarious?

100%

i didn't reply it fyi.

because i didn't receive the notification.

i mean even if i did, i'd probably freaked out first. 

and then rage hahaha.

only noticed it when i opened the app to text Adlina lol.

which was the day after it was sent.

and if i did reply, that'd be like totally going against everything i said.

although (uh-oh!)

there was/is a tiniest fraction of myself that wanted/wants to reply. (herrrgh!)

i mean, not just because Lukman told me a good point.

but sometimes, i do feel like doing exactly what he did to me is the only way i could actually feel satisfy or done about everything that happened. #realtalk

which is crazy.

and useless.

and pointless.

yes im doing two verbs there.

because i'm struggling right now to stay in line.

trying not to do things i might regret.

so you see,

that tiniest fucking voice inside my head is a fucking cunt.

of course she would go against the majority.

regardless the nature of the situation.

because her argument is "just curious"

or

"i wonder"

"you know you wanna do it"

a real fucking cunt.

and during times like these

i really NEED the reminder that

HE AIN'T SHIT!

stop making like he is.

like fucking seriously get it into your head girl.

but payback sounds way better (and easier) than holding yourself girl.