my emotional rollercoaster weekend

ha!
first post of 2017.
you know i have been meaning to this.
waaayy ever since on the 31st really.
i even have draft saved in here.
and not even halfway i stopped.
my malas just got the best of me.
yknow, the usual.

what i really know,
or really wanna do for this year is that
to say yes to more things.

because i hope by doing that
it will take me places from my own comfort place.
heh.

so the final trigger that really made me to finally do this
is what happened this weekend.

ha!

so the three of us went to KK.
me, Eqah and Lukman.
just because.
well, actually because Eqah purchased her ticket using Sky miles (free!)
and we were just tagging along.

but Lukman and I (me insisted) opted to just drive there.
big mistake.

get the picture?
I had to sit loooong hours journey, 8 hours to be specific, with Lukman.
and then another 8 hours journey back again.

unbelievable.

i lost count on how many times i have rolled my eyes throughout the journey.
throughout the 3 days!

and during the nights i had to deal with one who is loud snorer and one who currently has cough.
think i zombied couple times the next day and got cranky.
sikit.

and then we have today!
our last day in KK.
and during breakfast - Eqah out of nowhere just started "so anywayy..."
and proceeded to drop a major news.

*cries

well i actually had/have quite a mixed emotions about this.

i mean i can't really say that i didn't know about this.
like i knew what she was going to say when she said that.
i saw it coming.
because let's face it, it's inevitable.

but then i was kinda in shock too.
especially after i found out the when.
because wow it's happening.
like omg. this is real.
this is  H A P P E N N I N G.
one of us is ready for next life phase.
and i'm just...sad.

*goes to the corner and cries an ocean

i remember thinking about this one night.
like i was just thinking to myself - what am i gonna do if that happens??
and then i just got sad about it.
minutes later, i sobered up and told myself i'd deal with it when it comes.
hahahahahahahaha

and well,
it came.
hahahahaha

sigh

oh sucks.

but i need to get out from my sad clouds and bubbles and
just be happy for her.
this is about her.
and her life choices.
and i guess she is ready.

and nothing is far more important than that.

just need to figure out the rest of the feelings as i go.

#sispasrah

my bestfriend <3

#eleksha

i never really thought this day would really come.
i mean i have imagined it.
imagined what i would say.
imagined how i would say it.

but all these times, i thought it would never come.

no matter how much i have thought about it.
half of the time i kinda believed they wont come.
because let's face it, that's just how everything works anyway.

but lo and behold,
today that day has come.

i actually saw that brengsek again.

and ironically at the same place where it all fucking began.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha ah aH..

thankfully i had Adlina with me.

we were sitting for half a day course.

and it's so funny.
like i knew we were going to be in that place
but prior to this day i never really felt any anxiety.
unlike before.
because i was so sure that he won't be there.

like what are the odds?
pfft.

but unfortunately
Adlina didn't remember how he looks like
that we ended up sitting
exactly next to his table and his group of friends
during morning coffee break.
HAHAHhaHAHhaHAHA HAH Ah hA ha ha

but the point for this post is
to remind you,
yes - future me,
regardless how you ended up here - twitter/timehop/blog reading,
that you are fine.

Throughout what had happened today,
you were okay.
freaked out a little
(well a lot but only for a little while but that's understandable and forgiven)
but eventually you are A-okay.

So okay, maybe all thanks to Eqah.
i called her straightaway out of my panic attack
the minute that i believed i wasn't seeing things.
that that stupid guy who was looking at us
in all smug and smiling face was really him.
she kinda cooled my anxiety down
and told me to just toughen up hahah.

#bestadviceever #peptalk

What i have also realised is -

nothing.

Everything = nothing.
i felt nothing at all.

okay lah

still a little mad and i threw some curses at him too
but yknow whatever.

BUT THE THING IS
i think everything just kinda make sense now.
these things happened because maybe
Allah wants to show me that
there are people like him
and you don't wanna end up with him.

i know that sounds kinda mean.
but what i'm trying to say is
there are guys like him that will throw
sweet nothings at you
and have like zero sense
and act like a douche
and are mostly stupid

but will act they are cool

they will act as if they are noble

and doing things just because the other guys are doing it too.

because that's just how guys are.

stupid and disappointing.

and i don't want that for me.
like nauzubillah.

and because i deserve better.

and maybe things happened because
it is one of the contributing factor that
can make me return to Him.

(this is so cliche and typical it hurts. i am that girl that i always read in fb that i loathe)

but i honestly can't be grateful enough for this.

like i know things are like bad
during that time or
maybe on someone else's perspective
but i am actually glad now.

Allah still loves me that He helped me dodged that bullet :')

like imagine the horror if i actually be with him?
*shudders sheesh nauzubillah jauhpalisss

i mean who else would know me better than i am?
right?

sigh
thanks Allah, You're the best.

وَلاَ تَكِلْنِيْ اِلىَ نَفْسِيْ طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

Dan janganlah Engkau serahkan aku kepada diriku sendiri walau sekelip mata

so i will not be regretful
for whatever had happened.
that includes all the episodes i had.
the manic, depressed and crazy ones.
not to mention the events prior to all of this
and events which i called the aftermath.

because eventually everything just lead right up to

where i am now.

hashtag blessed y'alls